The Drill Sergeant

So, apparently this is my new nickname given by my husband. He says it in good humor, referring to my over-the-top scheduling ways. In all seriousness, this is something I am struggling with. I read lots of books while pregnant and I had planned to keep the boys on a schedule, but not be too rigid. But I am starting to question the "not too rigid" part. I basically follow this routine every day: they wake up at 6:30am, eat, play for 1 hour (or as long as they can tolerate), take a nap and then we start over 3 hours later with the same feed-play-nap routine (based on the book Baby Wise). For the most part, it has worked well. The boys nap in their cribs and know when we go into their room and it's dark it means sleepy time. There are a few challenges with this. 1) it creates 4 naps a day which I have to work around; and 2) they are so used to their schedule and routine that when I want to take them somewhere, they aren't quite sure what's going on. I want to be able to go visit friends 2 hours away, go to restaurants, do some of the things that I enjoyed, but it always seems like too much trouble and I feel like I'm messing them up, so I tend to kind of be a "homebody." I have tried to go places and have them sleep in their pack n' play. Most of the time it has been a huge failure (partially because I think one pack n' play is too small for them and it's such close quarters among two noisy sleepers), but mostly they look around like, "where the heck am I?" On Christmas Eve, one of my guys decided to go into a 45 minute scream fest. I have not seen him do that since he was like 2 months old. I still don't really know what caused it. I think the combination of being somewhere weird, overstimulation (a thousand gifts/decorations), tired (it was the witching hour afterall). Bottom line is that I was seriously ready to pack my bags and leave. He was miserable, I was miserable and I'm pretty sure no one wanted to listen to that screaming during Christmas Eve dinner. So what I am getting at is that for the 90% of the time when we are home, having a structured schedule/routine works well. It's the 10% I am struggling with when I actually want to go out in the world. I kind of feel like the only way to make them more "adaptable" is to get them out more, but there is a part of me that thinks it's just not worth the headache and that pretty soon they will only be having 2-3 naps a day and can tolerate staying up longer, so just wait it out and it will get easier as they get older. What do you think? Does it get easier? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Quick Update

I am so terribly delinquent in posting. Here is a quick update in bullet form:

• Babies are almost 5 months old. They weigh about 13 lbs each and are still pretty small for their age (about the 5th percentile). I hope they aren't little runts forever!


• I am still at home, but planning to go back to work 2 days/week at the end of January. I have mixed feelings about it, but ultimately I think it will be good for me and for the babies.


• I am still pumping up a storm. I have enough milk for the babies, who are eating 5-6 oz. 5 times a day. I am freezing about 16 oz. extra a day.


• My Mom is still here helping out, but goes home on the weekends.


• Things with hubby aren't perfect, but MUCH better than before. Thanks to everyone for their tips and advice. It was so helpful and so nice to feel not alone in my experiences.


• Sleep Training was the best thing I ever did. Hearing them cry for the few days it took was hard, but getting rest has been PRICELESS.


• One of my babies has eczema...it's been our first real challenge. I am trying various creams, oils, etc. and it seems to be improving a little bit, but still working on it after about a month.


• My guys are SO different from one another, both in looks and personalities. One is independent, the other wants to be held and cuddled. One is loud and talkative, the other not so much.

Hmmm, that's all I can think of at the moment. Everyone says how life will never be the same. Boy are they right! It's been a wild ride so far, but I can't even imagine life without my little guys now.

One Year Ago

What a difference a year makes! The last month or so has been surreal watching the "anniversary" dates on the calendar...the date of our embryo transfer, the date of our positive beta and now Christmas Eve is approaching and it is the date we drove to our RE's office and saw our babies' heartbeats on the monitor for the first time. It was so quiet and calm that day, very few people on the roads that morning, the doctor's office/hospital so still and quiet. All was calm and we saw two little blinking lights on the ultrasound monitor. Our two little shining stars. It also happens to be the day I first puked after church service that night! LOL! The dates bring back the flurry of emotions...how terrified I was, how I wanted to be hopeful, but could barely let myself, how I wanted to adore the Christmas cards we received with these picture perfect families but I still resented them, how I desperately wanted more than 2 stockings hanging from our mantle. The list goes on. The feelings overwhelming. And when I look at my two little guys sitting here, almost 5 months old, it is completely surreal. I just never believed this day would come.

Life after Babies

For years, I had images of our perfect little family. Once I was pregnant I knew we were close to achieving that. Now that the babies are here, I'm not sure how realistic I was being. Someday we may get there and be this picture perfect family of four with a mom and dad that love each other like crazy and these healthy, well behaved, well adjusted kids.... the whole 9 yards. For now that picture perfect family is just a dream.

I know I should be posting about how everything is just roses and how I am so in love with my little miracles (which I totally am and for the record completely exceed my expectations for their portion of our picture perfect family), but I want to take just a minute to say THIS IS FREAKING HARD.

I am tired. Physically and emotionally. This job is 24 x 7 and I am awake for about 20 of those 24 hours! The moments when both babies are crying and I only have one set of arms. I have had a few days where I just cry while they are crying. I long for a shower that lasts more than 2 minutes. I want to exercise to get rid of this untoned belly, but that time (and energy) doesn't exist. I want a hot cup of REAL CAFFEINATED coffee, and to drink it while it's hot! Those are some small things. The bigger thing is me and my husband.

We have been through a lot together and always had an amazing relationship, infertility and all; but these past few months have been rough. I basically don't see him through the week. He gets home from work at 6ish, we scramble around trying to eat ourselves and feed the boys and put them to bed and then I am in bed by 8pm. Then I pass him in the morning, as I am stumbling around getting bottles ready, looking like a complete zombie from being up all night and he is rested, fresh, in his suit, going to work with coffee in hand. There is a part of me that is jealous he gets to go out in the world and do whatever the hell he wants. There is a part of me that feels trapped here in my house, trapped to a breast pump 4 hours a day. I don't feel like he understands my life and I don't understand his. We don't have time to talk about it - or time to talk period.

Additionally, my Mom has been staying with us since the boys were born. I am so thankful for her help and the sleep I am able to get because she is here (and that hubby sleeps all night because she is here). Not that I should complain one bit, but I think it somewhat adds to the dysfunction of my husband and I to have someone else in the house all the time. She goes to see my dad on weekends, and that is my small little insight of what it is like as a family of 4. Those days we feel more like a normal couple, but he still has a million projects to do - cut the grass, fix things around the house, visit his grandmother, etc. I want him to just help me and hang out with the boys. I can tell he is totally in "provider" mode and feels like he has to make the money, fix things, even grocery shop and clean sometimes and while I totally appreciate all he is doing, I just want my husband back and not to feel so alone in this process.

I am guessing that much of my feelings have to do with sleep deprivation and hopefully as the boys get older, this mama will get some more sleep. I just hope that my picture perfect family is still in the cards and more importantly that we can be a great mom and dad to these boys. I just want to feel well again...not like this zombie woman who stumbles around the house all day and resents her husband for going out into the world. I feel guilty even posting this because I know there are so many people that LONG for these problems. I did too. I just needed to get this off my chest and since the primary purpose of this blog is for me to remember, that's what I am doing.

3 months

Where does the time go?? Everyone has Halloween decorations and fall mums...heck it's even SNOWING here tonight...and I feel like it should still be July. I now fully understand what people say when they say the beginning was just a blur!

My little guys are doing great. They were 3 months old this week and are weighing about 11.5 lbs. They are smiling, cooing, holding objects and keeping this mama very tired. We are doing better in the sleep department, but still have a ways to go. I am going to do a whole separate post on sleep training.

I am still pumping and feeding breastmilk (about 4 oz every 3 hours)...and freezing a ton extra. I have filled boxes in my father in law's deep freezer. It's kind of insane what your body can do when it actually works RIGHT....something I haven't been used to for a very long time!!

I recently sent my RE that "Thank you" note....the one with pictures of my little miracles to be posted on his wall. I dreamed of sending that picture and note for so long. In fact, I thought about sending him a thank you note my entire pregnancy, but I was never fully convinced that I was in fact going to have real, live babies. I felt like it would jinx me so I never did. It felt amazing to put that picture and note in the mail. I often wondered how the staff at my RE clinic were able to live in infertility hell day in and day out. A few years was more than enough for me! But then I thought about getting those pictures and reading those success stories....every one has to start by saying "I don't know how to thank you for giving me the baby of my dreams." Talk about fulfilling work and making a difference! Wow! So I guess those successes must be the fuel that keeps them going.

The Perfect Storm

The last few weeks have been the "perfect storm" literally and figuratively! We had an earthquake, moved houses...during a hurricane, I was sick with a fever, my computer crashed, and the boys were going through a growth spurt and wanted to eat every 1.5 hours! It has been a wild ride and we are still recovering, so apologies for not posting for so long.

The good news is that the boys are doing great. They are getting so big. At their 5 week check up they were up to 8 lbs each. That's pretty good considering they were just under 5 lbs when they were born.


Some things we are working on...

Breastfeeding - I don't know why, but we never got good at this. Matthew can latch well and seems to drink, but putters out after about 10 min. I think he hasn't gotten enough, so offer him a bottle and then will practically drink a whole bottle, which makes me feel so discouraged. Ryan and I have had a hard time latching. It takes 10-20 attempts, usually we finally get it, but he is so frustrated and I feel awful. So the end result is that I am primarily pumping and bottle feeding milk to them. I do try to nurse them once a day just to leave that door open and I really need to get my act together and go see a lactation consultant. My goal was to tandem breastfeed (seemed to be the most efficient way of doing things), but I can even get one to nurse a complete feeding. I have also had major issues with plugged ducts. I had heard of them, as well as mastitis, but I never imagined I would get them like every other day. I was spending an hour soaking in a bath every day and massaging my boobs, and then I got good at finding them. This is probably TMI, but basically I can eventually see a little white spot on my nipple and I have to squeeze it, almost like popping a pimple. Out comes a little white hardened milk, just about the size of the grain of sand and usually Niagara Falls erupts behind it because the milk was so backed up! It is pretty comical to see milk just spray out of my boobs and me try and catch it in a bottle!

So that's the boob story...

Sleep - that has been another challenge. When the boys came home from the hospital they were eating every 3 hours. Then a growth spurt hit and they wanted to eat every 1.5 - 2.5 hours. By the time you feed, change, pump, wash bottles, prep new bottles, it's time to start all over again. After a few weeks of that I finally decided about 4-5 days ago I was done with that and we are working on stretching out feedings and feeding more at each one. Now we are back to 2-3 hrs during the day and about 3 hours at night, although last night we got our first 4.5 hour stretch (pure bliss!!) We have always tried to keep them on the same schedule because otherwise you feed non-stop, but while we have been working on stretching feedings, I have let each one go as long as they can to try and encourage the right behavior and not feed just because their brother is hungry.


A couple of random thoughts...

• I am shocked that the boys seem oblivious of each other. Everything I read said they wanted to be together (same crib, etc.) from the beginning. These guys don't seem to even realize their brother is in the world. Kind of makes me sad, but I am guessing that may change soon.
  
  
• Pacifiers - I have been so undecided on this. I really don't want a 4year old who can't do without his binky. Also given our breastfeeding challenges I was worried about nipple confusion. BUT we seem to have hit a cranky phase where eating, burping, farting doesn't seem to do the trick. My mom busted out the pacifiers and tried one out and SILENCE. It was like magic. I think I am going to try to use for "emergencies" or at least when nothing else is working.
  
  
• I always thought kids either liked vibrating chairs or swings...these kids don't seem to be a fan of either! Matthew pretty much only sleeps on his stomach, which of course is not recommended because of SIDS.
  
  
• LOVE my City Mini Double stroller!
  
  
• I think I am going to need a boob job after nursing. My boobs are huge and heavy and my Target nursing bras aren't cutting it.
  
  
• When will my belly button return to normal and the stupid linea negra go away? I have about 8 lbs to pre-pregnancy weight, but I am more concerned with how strange my belly looks than the weight.
  
  
• When will the bleeding stop?? It tapered off about 3 weeks ago, then started up again around 5.5 weeks and tapered off and now it seems back again. My doctor doesn't seem bothered by it, but I am a little concerned everything isn't clearing out properly especially considering the issues with my placenta delivery.
  
  
• Being up and in the kitchen every 3 hours is not a good thing. I eat constantly. Not good for losing weight, not good on my teeth since I basically eat immediately after brushing.
  
  
• It is amazing how little sleep you can actually function on. I was always one of those people that needed my sleep. Now I get about 4-5 hours split into 2 - 2.5 hour increments and somehow manage.
  



• One of the things I was most unprepared for was how little I was going to see my husband. He is either working, farming, moving us, unpacking boxes, grocery shopping, or watching the kids while I sleep. We spend so little time together it makes me sad.



• I absolutely love having twins, but part of me feels like things are so mechanical. I just want to sit and enjoy each child and spend quality time and I feel like I have to hurry through everything to get it all done. Hoping that will get better with time.



• After going through pregnancy, delivery, breastfeeding and being one of those infertile people that felt like I had to experience that - I can now say I really think you can love a child that is not your flesh and blood just as much. So much of it is about once they are here - not just the pregnancy and birth story - and that seems to be the focus. Probably because we can't see any further. But after being on the other side of the mountain, each little child is precious no matter how they got here.



• I feel so so so incredibly blessed to finally be a mommy and cannot wait to see how these little guys will grow and develop. I dream of playing ball, riding bikes, going to the zoo. Cannot. wait! But for now I am enjoying tiny fingers and toes and all the grunts and farts! : )
  
  
  
  

Body recovery update

I am still very "weirded out" (for lack of a better word) by my belly. I just expected loose skin instead of this small baby bump with an outtie belly button. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled not to have the loose skin, but my belly just feels so mis-shapen. Here is a recent pic. I have 15 lbs left to lose as of 2 weeks postpartum. I have a feeling those extra lbs are staying with me for a while because my boobs are ginormous and feel like they weigh 15 lbs a piece!!!

My tailbone has been so sore and according to Dr. Google, apparently you can bruise or even break your tailbone during childbirth. Who knew?!!

I am hoping to bounce back a little more. My bleeding has pretty much stopped, hemorrhoids are in check and pooping going ok. The swelling in my legs is SO much better. I still have a little in my ankles and feet, but I have knees and calves again. Hallelujah!! LOL! So while many things are much improved, for some reason, I feel 100 years old. It just hurts to go from sitting to standing and I feel like I move at a snail's pace. I think it has to do with the blood loss and it's just going to take time. I am just used to being so active and fast paced that it feels strange when my body just aches and is telling me to slow down.

So that's the update for now!

Week 2

The boys are getting bigger and stronger. They already do tummy time and can pick their heads up and turn them. I call Matthew our little break dancer because he does this superman move where he rolls forward on his chest and his legs are up in the air. They are eating about 2 oz. every 3 hours. Breastfeeding has gotten better, but it is still hit or miss. It seems like all the stars have to properly align - they have to be hungry, awake, alert, but not too fussy and then we can feed. Otherwise we spend 10 min. trying to get latched and finally just give up and I have Mom or hubby give them a bottle. The bottle feels like it is undermining my cause because they get milk so easily, but they obviously need to eat. It's just hard. I know they are drinking breastmilk from the bottle, which is the most important thing to me, but I just wish breastfeeding was easier so we could eliminate some steps of this long feeding process and that it wasn't so frustrating for me and babies.

Honestly, that has been my biggest and pretty much my only struggle so far. Otherwise they are such good babies. Their funny little faces when the sleep and their sprays of pee during changing time keep me laughing and I can't get enough of kissing their soft baby skin.

We went to the pediatrician yesterday for their 2 week check up. Both boys had gained almost a pound and they now weigh 5 lbs 12 oz. and 5 lbs 7 oz. Theyhave almost graduated from preemie outfits and diapers!! The pediatrician was really pleased with their weight gain. The worst part of the visit...the doctor heard a heart murmur on Matthew. She said she didn't think anything was structurally wrong and that most murmurs resolve themselves by 6 mos. but she wants us to see a pediatric cardiologist just to be on the safe side. She said not to worry (yeah right). I did some reading online and it does sound to be fairly common and many murmurs are totally benign. Just praying that is the case here.

Week 1

We came home on Friday, August 1st. It was so strange to walk in my house after being gone for 5 days unexpectedly. I found my bathing suit and towel randomly hanging on the door knob (because I had gone swimming the morning of my doctor's appointment when I was sent to the hospital). Just things not as tidied as I would have had them. Plus - moving boxes everywhere. We didn't quite finish the new house before our little guys arrived. But, it's just fine. The little guys don't have a fab nursery, but they are staying with us downstairs anyway and the swings, bouncy seats and pack n' play seem to be doing the trick for now. Poor hubby has had to spend time going to the new house to finish up projects. I will be SO glad when the house is ready!

My Mom is here and has been AMAZING! I have no idea what I would do without her.

Our first big outing was to the pediatrician on Sunday, August 3rd. I think they have you come as a test - to see if you can get your act together, feed, change, get the little ones in the car seat properly and get to an appointment on time. Not an easy task! The boys got a great report and are maintaining their birth weights. No jaundice or temperature issues (which were a little borderline when we were discharged from the hospital).

We are on a 3 hour schedule. Whichever little guy is more awake, I start breastfeeding him and we let the other one sleep. I work on breastfeeding for about 10 min. If I can get them to latch, we stay nursing. If not, and if the little guy is upset, I turn him over to hubby or my Mom to get a bottle of pumped milk. It is hard to strike the balance between helping them learn to breastfeed and not letting them spend too much energy if it isn’t working (they need to keep their weight). I have found that I have to get them naked and good and awake for them to nurse properly. Cutting out either of those things = a not so good nursing session. So basically, I nurse one, hand them over for a bottle to finish them up and then I work with the other little one. Mom or hubby bottle feeds one, burps him and then puts him down in a swing and takes the other one to feed him a bottle. At the end, we get everyone changed, dressed and swaddled up in a blanket. We were changing them at the start of the feeding to wake them up and while it did wake them up, we end up with more poop and pee during the feeding, so twice as much work in changing. So we changed up the order.

I'm starting to find that the days all kind of run together. Getting outside is huge! It makes you feel human again. But, it is so stinking HOT and HUMID! UGH!

I am so in love with every little thing on these guys - the tiny fingers and toes, the little grunts, yawns, hiccups, burps and farts - all adorable. I can't stop myself from kissing them and cuddling them.

Random Thoughts from Labor & Delivery

We came home 9 days ago and everything is going great. The little guys are happy babies and eating more and more. I will post more soon. Just wanted to capture some random thoughts from labor and delivery....

• I was shocked at how fast things move. One minute I thought I was going home, 5 min. later my water was broken!


• Epidurals are amazing! Seriously, contraction pain totally went away. BUT – while the epidural helped with contraction pain in belly, I felt EVERYTHING down low. I didn’t think that was how it was supposed to be. According to my doctor, that is a "good" epidural so you can push effectively.


• Pushing a baby out is the hardest thing I have ever done. It was like running a marathon times 10 (except that I've never run a marathon)! PS – it is not a good idea to push using your face because you end up looking like you got stung by 1000 bees and you get broken blood vessels in your eyes. Not pretty!


• The mesh underwear in the hospital….best underwear ever!


• Pads in the hospital – yuck! Let’s just say you feel like you are wearing a diaper.


• Lansinoh nipple cream is my best friend.


• Getting a catheter without an epidural – not so pleasant.


• The swelling in feet (or in my case, ankles, calves, knees and thighs)…that gets worse before it gets better.


• Take the stool softener the hospital gives you. It makes SUCH a difference!


• Along that line, hemorrhoids suck : (


• My boobs are EN.OR.MOUS!


• Holy night sweats! In the few hours that I do sleep, I wake up drenched! I guess that is my body’s way of getting rid of the extra fluid.


• At one week, I have lost half of my pregnancy weight (27 lbs). I am so fortunate to not have any stretch marks. My belly is still very strange looking. I expected to have loose skin. Instead it looks like I still have a little baby bump and my outtie belly button is still there. Just not what I expected.


• The fluid that is in my legs is leaving the way it came. It started in my feet, then my ankles, then my calves, then my knees and finally my thighs. Now, the fluid is gone from my thighs and knees, but still in my calves, ankles and feet.


• Breastfeeding is challenging – seems like it is one step forward and two steps back. I was planning to tandem feed from the beginning. Just getting one to latch is hard enough. I can't imagine trying to do both at the same time yet.


• My milk supply seems to be doing well. I am making (pumping) more than double what the little guys are drinking (they drink about 40 cc’s per feeding) and I am making between 140 – 200 cc’s now that my milk is in.


• I thought your milk coming in would be a big event. I heard things about waking up to monster boobs. That kind of happened, but for me it was more of a gradual process. I kept making more and more each day, so it was kind of a gradual process.


• It is amazing what adrenaline can do and how little sleep you can function on when you are totally in love.

The Twins have Arrived!

Surprise! Our 2 little miracles have arrived!!

Lots more details forthcoming, but the quick story….

Went to the doctor on Monday afternoon for a regular appointment and was sent directly to the hospital because the preeclampsia stuff was getting worse and they wanted more testing. Once there, at looking at the lab results, the nurses told me, “You aren’t going home….not without those babies.”

More surprises…you know how I mentioned I felt like the babies had dropped, well, we did an ultrasound and Baby B had flipped and was now vertex (head down) like Baby A. He had been breech the whole pregnancy and I was so thrilled with this change.

SO…..long and short of it was Tues. AM they broke my water, started pitocin, I got an epidural at lunchtime, at 6pm they wheeled me in the Operating Room. I pushed for 40 min. with each baby and vaginally delivered my two little miracles who I am completely in love with…


"Baby A" Matthew

4 lbs 14 oz.

18.5 inches long


&

"Baby B" Ryan

4 lbs. 11 oz.

17.75 inches long


My little guys both got 9 out of 10 on APGAR and are perfect little angels!

I had severe bleeding afterwards. Apparently on average a placenta detaches in about 3 min. Both of mine took 23 minutes and had to be manually separated. The pain was INSANE!! I guess I thought I was “done” after delivering Ryan, but the next 45 min seemed just as painful as pushing those babies out. The result of the great blood loss and the preeclampsia was that I was seriously sick after delivery. I was shaking uncontrollably, bundled in a million warm blankets, and felt like I was dying. I really felt like I was not on earth. It was pretty scary. I was so sad because I wanted so badly to hold and nurse the babies, but there was absolutely no way.

Wednesday morning, I was making a little improvement, but the doctors were talking about giving me a blood transfusion (which I have held off on since I seem to be improving). Meanwhile, both babies were doing great. Matthew was having a little trouble keeping his temperature up, so he had to be put in an isolette (basically a warmer) for a day.

I started trying to breastfeed and pump on Wednesday as I started to improve and while it has been a slow start, I have gotten both boys to successfully feed a few times. I want to take my lactation consultant home with me!!

The insane hormones have also set in. Let’s just say that I was standing in the nursery rocking my boys at 3am this morning, balling my eyes out and repeating, “I can’t believe they are mine.”
I was officially discharged yesterday and expect the boys to be discharged today so we may be going home!

More to come, but wanted to share the awesome news!

Fertility Article in WSJ

I was shocked to see an article on fertility previewed on the front page of the Wall Street Journal.

This woman's face says it all. The pain in her eyes, her mouth, her soul stripped of hope. I know I spent years feeling this way and I know many of you have too (or still are).

Sending love and hugs to my fellow infertiles and cheers to more public awareness about infertility.

Lightening?

I have read about "lightening" at the end of pregnancy. I'm not sure if that's what has happened this weekend, but the babies have definitely made a change. I can't say they feel lighter though, if that's what that term is supposed to mean! They seem much lower and all of a sudden I feel lots of movement on my left side, when the last few months I have mostly been feeling movement on my right side. Along with the dropping, I have started getting some serious lower back pain. I was driving to Lowe's to pick up some supplies for my hubby yesterday (who has been working his tail off to get our new house ready) and I was seriously beginning to wonder if I was going into labor between the back pain and the cramps I was feeling. Thankfully, the cramping stopped, but it has kind come and gone the last day or so. The other thing I've been noticing is that my Braxton Hicks contractions are actually waking me up in the night. They still aren't painful, but I find myself waking up feeling uncomfortable and find my stomach is hard as a rock. And the boob leakage at night seems to be getting worse!

I was joking with my husband that it's amazing how pain is relative. I used to notice the pain in my feet and ankles. Now, I mostly pay attention to the pain in my knees/legs (where the fluid is the worst) and the upper right abdominal pain (thinking my liver). I ask myself, "do my feet not hurt anymore?" or "is my hand not numb from carpal tunnel?" and I find that those things ARE still there....I just happen to notice the things that hurt the worst! Honestly, I am in pretty bad shape. There are very few things that don't hurt at this point.

With these latest symptoms, I basically feel like a ticking time bomb. Part of me wants the babies to stay put and grow and get strong. We need another week or so to get the new house ready. Plus, I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, but I have secretly been hoping these babies are born on July 31st. My mother-in-law passed away from cancer at the young age of 55. Hubby and I miss her dearly and are so incredibly sad that our boys will never know her. Anyway, her birthday was July 31st....what an amazing thing that would be. On the flip side, part of me (my poor body) is so ready to deliver these babies and rid myself of all the fluid and weight and pain. Speaking of weight, I think I have gained about 55 lbs now. 55 lbs you guys!!!!!!!! I weighed less than 110 lbs at the beginning of this!!! I digress. Obviously these babies will come when they are ready (or if I make it past 38 weeks).

The anticipation is getting exciting! I have started wondering what these little guys will look like, what their personalities will be. I worry about breastfeeding and sleep deprivation and being a good mom and not a complete stress case. My heart swells watching my hubby practice taking the stroller for spins around the garage. But mostly, I just pray that my boys are healthy. I can still hardly believe that this is happening. I am two weeks or less from having a family, which is something I wasn't sure I would ever have.

Belly Pics

I am super late, but I finally updated some belly pics.
I need to take another one soon. It might be my last one!

36 week appointment

I had a quick appointment today to check blood pressure, urine (for protein) and do my Group B Strep test. My blood pressure was about the same as it was on Monday - still slightly elevated, but not to dangerous levels. There was some protein in my urine, but again not to dangerous levels. So, they said come back on Monday to continue to be monitored for preeclampsia signs. I am a little nervous about some of the other side effects they mentioned - headaches, blurred vision, upper right quadrant pain....I have had all of these things, but they seem to come and go. The upper right quadrant pain is the most interesting - I always assumed that was the baby that made my ribs feel bruised and tender, but apparently that may be my liver, which is enlarged! EEK!

They did my Group B Strep test and then asked if I wanted to have my cervix checked...said it was totally optional. I asked how much it was going to hurt and the doctor said, "it's gonna be pretty uncomfortable." I quickly said, "no thanks." I was kind of curious, but I figured if they aren't going to check me at every appointment, what is the point in knowing (because I won't be able to see progress)? Even if I was slightly dilated, I could stay that way for weeks. I am slightly rationalizing my decision though. Honestly, I kind of wimped out. I can't believe after all the IVF stuff I've been through and the fact that I am about to give birth that I wussed out on a cervix check. GEEZ!!! I have really gotten "soft!"

The craziest part of the appointment was when the doctor asked if I had thought any more about delivery. I told him that if the babies stayed positioned as-is, that I would probably do a c-section. He said, "Ok, well let's get you scheduled for about 38 weeks." I told him I needed to check with hubby and then when I was checking out at the front desk, I checked to see who was on call that week, so maybe I could pick a doctor I liked (I go to a group practice). It just seemed so surreal to actually be thinking about scheduling the birth of these babies. I can't believe the time has come!! I am just praying these little guys are healthy and strong. They certainly fought hard to get here, so I'm hoping they continue to be fiesty little guys!

Still Plodding Along

I went to the doctor yesterday. I am still plodding along, which is great news at this point. My blood pressure was about the same as last week and the urine test came back ok. They want me to start going in twice a week for monitoring just to be sure the preeclampsia signs don't get worse.

The babies are staying right on that 10th percentile line. Baby A was 4 lb 15 oz. and Baby B was 5 lb. 2 oz. Baby A is head down and Baby B is breech. They are in the same position they were 2 1/2 weeks ago, so most likely that's how they are going to stay. I have a pretty big decision to make if I was to try a vaginal delivery. I feel like kind of a quitter, but I think if the babies stay in their current positions that I might opt for a c-section. I just feel like the worst case scenario is to do 1 vaginally and 1 c-section and it just feels like that is the path I am headed down. After A delivers, they would have to try and turn Baby B, or a few doctors in the practice will do a breech extraction where they reach in your uterus and pull Baby B out by the feet, but they said they do not do them often and there are risks, namely head entrapment, which sounds super scary to me. And all of these options require time. If Baby B is stressed, they have to deliver ASAP. So, it just seems there are so many scenarios where Baby B gets delivered by c-section. Maybe I am crazy, but I just don't want to be in labor all day, vaginally deliver A and then end up with a c-section after all. Am I "giving up" too easy? Any thoughts???

Peeing in a Cup at 8.5 mos. pregnant

Every time I go to the doctor's office, they have me pee in a cup. That obviously seems like a simple task, but when you are are 8 1/2 months pregnant, this all of a sudden becomes very difficult because you can't see what you are doing!! The last few times I've managed to get a few drips of pee on my hand - yuck! I think they should make those cups bigger or invent some kind of better system when your belly takes over!

So, another funny pee related story. I had to collect my pee for 24 hours for this preeclampsia test. I was literally carrying around this jug of pee...awesome! I had to laugh at the instructions when they say to discard your first morning pee and then begin collecting for 24 hours after that. What does "first morning pee" to a pregnant woman really mean??? Is that anything past midnight or is that more like a normal person so like 7am?? Because I have probably peed 4 times between midnight and 7am!!

Anyway, just had to laugh at these little things.

Pre-E monitoring

I have a scheduled doctor's appt. on Monday, but decided to call my doctor's office today because the swelling in my legs has gotten ridiculous. It has worked it's way from my feet to now all the way up to my thighs. I literally have no ankles and knees. It is totally disgusting. I was hoping I would go in and they would say everything was just fine and I was being my normal worry-wart self, but I wasn't quite that lucky.

They took my blood pressure and it was up. Not to any crazy levels, but definitely up for me and borderline high for the general population. There was no protein in my urine, but they made me take this jug and collect my urine for the next 24 hours and then I have to do some bloodwork.

The did a fetal non stress test where they hooked me up to all these monitors. They said the babies were good and that I was definitely having contractions. The doctor said, "Well good, maybe you'll go into labor on your own" to which I quickly responded, "Well, NOT YET!!!" He said, "You know, you ARE at 35 weeks." I said, "Yeah, but Dr. B (another doctor in the practice) was just telling me she delivered twins this weekend on their due date - 40 weeks." He said, "That's nice, but it's not normal. Most twins come at 36-37 weeks so you better get ready." I don't know why, but I was not ready to hear this!! I obviously knew in my mind that 36-37 weeks was totally in the realm of possibilities and heck - it would even be awesome to make it that far. I guess I have just been so fixated on baking these babies longer. I just want so badly for them to grow big and strong and be healthy when they arrive. Plus my own little selfish reason regarding the move and if they could just wait 2 weeks, we could have all the house stuff wrapped up and they could be in our new house!

Anyway, I have my fingers crossed for my appointment on Monday - that babies have grown, that the urine test and lab work come back ok.

As a sidenote, I do wonder if something is going on because I have become insanely uncomfortable lately. The swelling and then I can hardly stand to lay down because Baby A is up under my ribs and they feel bruised. I started sleeping on the couch because it's more comfy for me to have the back to rest against and less disturbing to my hubby. Another bizarre thing....earlier this week when I was in bed with hubby, he was kind of resting his head on my chest. When we got up, we noticed this wet spot on my t-shirt. He was joking that he must have drooled on me. Well, the next morning, I had a matching "drool" spot on the other side. I am thinking nipple leakage! YIPES!!! The babies kicks have gotten super strong and when Baby A decides to get the hiccups or punch down there, I literally have this reflex to hold it in (like an arm is going to fly out or something!!)

New House, No Cribs and 34 weeks - OH MY!!

I tend to be an organized person...really I am, but you wouldn't know it lately. I am 34 weeks with twins and I literally don't know where I am going to be living when these babies arrive!

We ended up buying that house we were looking at (I can't remember if I already mentioned that). The previous owners moved out at the end of June and we were having this debate of whether we should try and move before the babies come or not. There is a lot of work to be done - new carpet, hard wood, new countertops, appliances, fixtures, painting, etc. etc. and it would be 10 times easier to do the work before our furniture was there (not to mention the dust and paint fumes that I don't really want to be around). My husband had convinced me it just wasn't going to happen, so I finally came to peace that we wouldn't move until the fall. Well, his friend that does house remodeling came to look at the house and said, "we can knock this out in a month no problem." So, with hope in sight, we decided to get back on the "fast track" and try and get things done before the babies arrive. So, I am seriously up to my eyeballs picking out carpet, tile, paint colors and the like. Most women like this stuff....I apparently am not like most women because it just stresses me out! There are SOOO many choices and while I am great at researching and analyzing the pros and cons of all the products, I am terrible at making a decision. I have such a hard time visualizing how something will really look and I am scared I won't like it! Luckily, that's where hubby comes in....the decision maker!

To make matters worse, our cribs are STILL not in. Supposedly they will be here in the next week or two. I'm not holding my breath!

I have everything we don't use every day packed up in the old house. The "nursery" in the old house is basically a room with all the baby stuff (which is fairly organized), but I just haven't gotten to do the proper nesting. I always envisioned I would have this perfect nursery just waiting for the babies and instead I have no cribs, there is no point in decorating the old house when we are moving and the new house isn't ready. EEK! The good news is that everyone tells me that as long as you have the basics (milk, diapers, etc) and the impromptu bassinet or pack n' play if need be, the babies won't even know the difference! I sure hope so because this momma is a mess!!!

On a more positive note, I am glad we are picking out all this stuff for the new house now because I can't imagine trying to choose lighting fixtures with 2 newborns! So even if we don't get to move before they arrive, hopefully the selections will be done and it's just a matter of waiting out the construction. The moving won't be fun, but we'll manage!

Off to meet with a prospective pediatrician!

Little Guys

I am 33 weeks today. I went to the doctor yesterday for an ultrasound and growth check and our little guys are measuring a little small. They both weigh right about 4 lbs, but are measuring more like 30 weeks than 33 weeks. The last few appointments they seem to be falling behind. Last time, it was just their arms and legs showing a little short; now it seems they are smaller overall. They are both around the 10th percentile. The doctor doesn't seem concerned (YET). He mentioned that I am petite (5' 2"), have two babies and the fact that they are both the same size is good and probably means nothing is wrong. However, if they dip to the 5th percentile, he would start to wonder what is going on. I go back in 2.5 weeks for another check. I don't know why, but I am really bummed out about this and I can tell I am already starting to blame myself. Is my body not working properly? I feel so disappointed because I have gained over 40 lbs and feel enormous; yet I still have babies that are "behind." In the back of my mind, I wonder if it has something to do with IVF/ICSI and if they are going to have long term growth problems. Why do I immediately fear the worst?

I am trying my best to look at the bright side. I am carrying 8 lbs of baby at 33 weeks and hopefully 4 lbs is enough that they would be ok if anything happened early. The doctor isn't overly concerned, so I shouldn't be either, right?? Easier said than done.

I am on a mission to lots of healthy food and extra protein. I don't know if it will help, but I have to do everything I can to get these babies big and strong and healthy.

Baby Shower/ Birth Classes

All is well over here...I keep thinking I'll do a better job about blogging and there never seems to be enough time. I don't know how you guys with little ones do it!

I am hanging in there. The 3rd trimester is kind of kicking my butt. My energy seems to be zapped, my feet hurt and are so swollen. Keeping them up doesn't seem to be helping any longer (so embarrassing and ugly in the summertime!), and my stupid carpal tunnel is still making life difficult. I can't stay in any position for too long because something starts hurting. If I sit in a chair, I feel bruised ribs and a back ache. If I stand up, it helps in the tummy and back area, but my feet hurt within minutes. I know it sounds like I am complaining and maybe I am a teeny bit, but mostly I just want to REMEMBER. I want to remember how everything felt because more than likely I will never get to experience this again. So I am taking it all in...every ache and pain included!!

This past weekend we had my baby shower that my girlfriends threw for me. They traveled from so far to be there. It was awesome!! So great to be back together and see each other (most are college friends) and it was totally a "pinch me" moment as I got ready for the shower and thought to myself, "this is my baby shower." I just never felt like this time would come. I have to admit I still have little thoughts that creep into my mind like, "What happens if something goes terribly wrong and I lose the babies. What will I do with all this baby stuff?" Do I return the gifts to people?" Of course the "stuff" isn't the important part, but I guess the point is the little bit of fear is still there - and I am almost 31 weeks!! To top it all off, there was a storm toward the end of the shower and afterwards a gorgeous double rainbow outside. I remember pleading with God for a sign when I was going through all the infertility treatments and now one came...and it was an amazing one... making me feel like my twins are what was meant to be.

In other news, we started our birth classes this month. They are pretty much every Monday and Thursday. The last one on Monday was pretty good, but the two before that were fairly lame. One thing that has been interesting is to look around the room and see the various types of people in the class. You have a woman that teared up as she introduced herself and her friend that was there to support her because she had to kick her husband out recently. I can't even fathom embarking upon this journey into parenthood alone. Then there was the 15 year old couple, whose parents had to drive them to class because they didn't have a driver's license. To make matters worse, the guy was a total thug - hat on sideways, pants under his butt, attitude - the whole nine yards. My heart ached for every infertile couple as they seemed to be the epitome of the "oops" scenario we could only dream of. There were married and unmarried couples. After looking around the room, it made me realize that everyone in that room had a story of how they got there. I know during the infertility struggles I felt so alone - that there was no one that understood. Maybe no one in that room did experience infertility and loss like I did, but I know for at least a few of them, they are going through their own struggles and it kind of reminded me that we aren't always as alone as we think.

No News is Good News!

I am breathing a major sigh of relief. I did my glucose test last week and they told me "no news is good news" and I didn't get a call this week, so I am taking that as a good sign. I have been fearing the worst with respect to gestational diabetes and preeclampsia because I know I am at high risk and I have heard so many stories of such healthy women developing the condition. After infertility, I guess I just feel like if it could happen, it will happen to me! That's my luck! But, maybe I squeaked by on this one!!

I am at 29 weeks and up about 30-couple lbs. Babies were about 2 lbs 7 oz. at 28 weeks. Baby A was head down and Baby B was breech. I am hoping that Baby B decides to flip. I really am hoping for a vaginal delivery, but I am really fearing delivering Baby A vaginally and then having to do a c-section with Baby B. I just don't think I want to have BOTH types of healing. I guess we'll see what happens these next few weeks until they get "stuck" in their birth positions and then decide from there.

In other news, we bought a house! EEK! It's been on and off during the negotiations (the sellers had some serious financial problems) and we finally closed this week. We have a lot of work we want to do to the house, and we have been back and forth trying to decide if we should rush everything and get in before the babies arrive (which would be ideal), but we finally decided there is no way we can get all the work done in time...so we'll stay put for now and move this fall. So, now that I finally have clarity on where we'll be, I feel like I can start getting my baby things organized a little better. Except one small detail....I called to check the status of our nursery furniture and it is not expected to arrive for another 4-6 weeks!! YIPES! I guess that is what bassinets are for?!!

Carpal Tunnel

I wrote about some weird body changes recently and I have one more to add to the list! I think I am one of those lucky girls that gets carpal tunnel syndrome during pregnancy. I'm not 100% sure that is what it is, but the symptoms I am having kind of seem like it. I started noticing that my wrists (on the inside of my hand) seemed really stiff when I woke up in the morning and that I was having trouble grasping small things, like my toothbrush or my razor in the shower. After the early morning, things seemed to improve. I figured maybe it was swelling, kind of like my feet. But this past week, things seem to have gotten worse. The tip of my middle finger and sometimes my pointer finger and/or ring finger is numb...just tingling and uncomfortable. According to Dr. Google, that sounds a lot like carpal tunnel. Luckily I don't have trouble typing (other than it feeling weird to type with numb fingertips), but I am having serious trouble writing with a pen. Thank goodness I did most of my thank you notes from my shower right away!!

3rd Trimester

Is it possible that tomorrow marks the beginning of the 3rd Trimester?! Where does the time go?!! I feel like I spent the entire first trimester and most of the second worrying. I finally started settling in and enjoying pregnancy once I started feeling the babies move. Now, I am in the final stretch. It's hard to believe. I am trying to savor this time - taking pics, writing in a pregnancy journal, and being a very bad and delinquent blogger. I want to take it all in because more than likely, I will never experience this ever again.

But....I am so stinking excited to meet these little guys in my belly!! I can't wait to see what they look like and know their little personalities. I am also slightly terrified. I want to be a good Mom, an awesome Mom really. I just don't know what I am doing! I have been reading books galore. My Mom kind of laughs at me because she just "played it by ear" and I'm sure I will too when the babies arrive, but I also feel like I need to have some tools in my back pocket for sleep, feeding, etc. in case it doesn't go well naturally.

I head to the doctor tomorrow for my GD screening. I am nervous about that, especially considering the results from my fellow twin blog friends. I also get my rhogam shot tomorrow. My doctor hasn't been doing any checks of my cervix (aside from a general measurement on the regular abdominal ultrasounds), which apparently look fine. I keep asking them if they need to check further and they seem to look at me like I have 3 heads. Last time the doctor asked, "Why? Are you having contractions?" My response - no, not that I know of. But, from everything I have read from other twin pregnancies, it seems like others are being monitored much more closely for preterm labor signs. I hope my doctors aren't missing anything. Do you all think I should ask for more detailed checks??

I had one baby shower 2 weekends ago that was lovely (minus the downpour of rain in the middle of the shower that soaked everyone and everything!!) I have another one coming up in a few weeks. It's so amazing having all this baby gear in the house. Definitely makes it feel more real!

That's about it from here. Getting excited to meet these little guys!!!

Weird Body Changes

I didn't know my feet were capable of hurting like this! I was a gymnast in my younger years and spent most of my life barefoot. I had tough feet - I could walk on rocks or over pretty much anything and my feet never hurt. But, holy smokes - pregnancy is kicking my butt! I guess it's the weight, the water retention, I dunno.... but my heels are killing me! So, they started hurting about a week ago and then the swelling started a few days ago. My poor feet look like little sausages in my flats. I am going to try my best to stay off my feet.

I started this post on 5/13 and am happy to report that the foot situation has improved. Some days they hurt (mostly my heels), and some day they are more swollen than others (mostly my right foot), but for the most part, if I prop my feet up at work, I do a pretty good job of keeping things under control.

Other bizarre body changes....

• The area just to one side of my belly button felt bruised for a while and then felt numb (like it was asleep), but that has recently gotten better too.


• Bloody nose - I don't have full on bloody noses, but I am always congested in the morning and if I blow my nose, there is always a little blood (which is weird for me).


• Zit headquarters - my poor back and chest. I have no idea why I decided to break out on my back and chest like I have. I guess I should be glad it's not my face, but summertime tanktops are not gonna be pretty!


• Linea Negra - So, my lovely line showed up about a month ago, but now it seems like it is showing ABOVE my belly button too. Huh?!!


• General discomfort - I can't sit (or sleep) in one position for too long without getting uncomfortable. My back usually starts to hurt or if I am sleeping, one of my arm starts to fall asleep (because I am laying on it). Poor hubby....I usually push off of him in order to help me roll over. I kind of feel like a beached whale!!

I just wanted to note all these crazy changes before I forget. I really can't complain about any of it. I think I've had it pretty easy thus far and my overwhelming emotion is still GRATEFUL!

Capitol Hill Visit

I participated in RESOLVE's Advocacy Day on Capitol Hill and IT.WAS.AWESOME!!!

It was amazing to be in a room full of people (fellow infertiles) and without saying anything, we understood one another.

It was so incredibly empowering to walk through the Senate Buildings and see the signs of offices for people like John Kerry and John McCain. I felt tremendous American pride just being able to be an average citizen, enter these government buildings, and meet with the government officials that represent me. They usually feel like such distant figures on CNN, so to see everything in person was so moving!

I met with one of the Senator's from my state and the Representative from my district. Actually, mostly we met with staff people, but I actually got to meet with my Representative, which was AWESOME! Even more incredible was the fact that he was fully up to speed on the issues. A couple from his district had just been in to see him the week before and shared their story, so it was great that I could follow up and reinforce all the points.

In case you haven't heard, a bill has recently been introduced in the Senate to give individuals a tax credit for infertility treatment. Check out the details here and if you haven't already done so, contact you senator to ask them to co-sponsor the bill. While it would be awesome to have insurance coverage for treatment, and a few states have programs, we are far from a comprehensive solution, so even this small short-term step would provide some financial support.

I always wondered if I would shut the infertility chapter of my life if I ever was "Resolved" but I can't do it. It has forever changed who I am. I don't "speak out" on many things, but I feel like I have to do something about this...for everyone still fighting the fight. ANYTHING to make this process just a little easier.

The Numbers in my Infertility Journey

While I was at it, I decided to summarize some other key numbers in my infertility journey:

• 4 fresh IVF cycles


• 3 frozen cycles


• 74 eggs retrieved


• 57 fertilized eggs


• 10 embryos transferred


• 3 pregnancies


• 2 miscarriages


• 2 embryos left in freezer


• 3 years of my life


• 42 thousand dollars

but the best part and what makes it all worth it....

• 2 babies in my belly

PS - At some point, I am determined to figure out how many needles I have been stuck with and how many ultrasound cams up my crotch!

Advocacy Day & Infertility Costs

I am getting ready to participate in RES.OLVE's Advocacy Day in Washington DC next week, which I am really excited about. I always knew I wanted to do more to help with infertility awareness, but I was always so broken and battered in my own journey, that I didn't feel like I had the strength to do it...or maybe I wanted to appear that I had my shit together. I finally feel like I am at the place where I am ready to give back. I was debating about participating (taking time off work, battling the DC traffic, dealing with politics, which I generally dislike), but I read the words in the email that was sent that said, "If you don't do it, who will?" and it just spoke to me. I just think it is so important that people/legislators understand the truth about infertility and that we do everything we can to provide financial assistance for treatment. This process has been so difficult for us, and I am determined to do whatever I can to make it just a little less difficult for those who walk in this path after us.

I thought it would be a good idea to pull together the numbers on what I have spent on infertility treatment to date. Here are the mind-boggling numbers:


Doctor’s Visits $ 2,415
Prescription Drugs $ 7,584
Anesthesiologist $ 1,600
IVF $22,000
Lab Work $ 1,703
PGD $ 7,400
$42,702

OUCH!

Names

We are about 90% settled on the babies first names. Middle names are still TBD.
It is cracking me up how people love to give their opinions on good names. My 2 favorite suggestions (insert sarcasm) have been:
Ike and Issac (from my half joking father)
and
Billy and Bobby (from my husband's country livin' Grandma)

I am kind of torn about sharing names ahead of time. I would rather not discuss at all, but people will say, "What names are you thinking of? Just as an example...." I try and avoid it and they keep pushing, so I throw out a few names to humor them. It's amazing people's reaction...how they grimace or say, "No...."and then share some story about why that is a bad name and then make some horrible suggestion instead. Part of me (well, most of me) wants to wait until the babies are born because then no one can protest and the decision is ours. But our families are so darn nosy. What do you all think?

Decisions, Decisions....

I feel like I am in research overload...albeit about good things...but I am one of those people that research extensively, has to have all the facts and then makes the best decision I can. I generally can see both sides of every story and consequently live in the "gray" area, so decisions can be difficult for me. Some of the things I am currently wrestling with are as trivial as which stroller or car seat to choose....others are much harder like whether or not to circumcise or to bank the babies cord blood. Circumcision seemed like an easy decision...my husband is circumcised, I assumed it was the standard, but after talking to one of my friends with 2 sons and learning more about it, it seems there is little medical reason to do so. Another example...I am a pretty structured person, so I always assumed I would be a Mom that had a schedule. However, the more I learn about twins, especially preemies, the goal is to gain weight, so that means feeding as soon as baby is hungry (not on a structured schedule). Point is, even the things that seemed like easy decisions have gotten complex. I have so many friends that have babies with food allergies (some of them very severe) and I worry about autism. I want to breastfeed, but I know it will be difficult with two babies. I am probably too much of a perfectionist. I just want to do everything possible to keep these babies healthy and safe.

21.5 weeks - More than Half Way!

It is hard to believe I am more than half way through this pregnancy. I feel like I am just starting to enjoy it. The constant kicks and nudges from these babies has been amazing. I went to the doctor last week for an ultrasound and detailed check of the hearts and everything looked great. I still have no idea how the doctor knows if they are looking at Baby A or Baby B! Baby B did in fact flip after the last ultrasound so Baby A is head down and Baby B is feet down. We witnessed Baby A kicking his brother in the head. Nice! I had a bit of a scary moment during the ultrasound. I was there for what felt like for.ever and while I think I could look at them all day, I started sweating and feeling naseous during the exam. I tried to wait it out and kept thinking it would soon be over, and finally started squirming a little to try and get comfortable. The doctor asked if I was ok. I told him I wasn't feeling well and he said that is really common if you are on your back too long because it compresses a major blood vessel..so I was able to roll on my side and they finished the ultrasound in that position, which was MUCH better. They told me at the appointment that both babies were measuring right on track, but after looking at the detailed print out after I left, I see that one baby is measuring about 3 days behind my due date and the other about 6 days behind. I know I probably shouldn't worry because that's not very far off, but I just hope they don't continue to fall further and further behind. I guess I always thought multiples were smaller because they were born early, but maybe they are slower to grow too?? Any of you multiple mommies out there know? I have already gained 20 lbs, which seems like a ton to me! I had a girls weekend and one of my friends who is due a day apart from me is barely showing. I know I have 2 in there, but talk about feeling like a cow! That being said, I still love my belly. I dreamed of having this belly for so long so I am just trying to savor this time. Now the humongo boobs I could do without. LOL! I had finally been starting to sleep better the last week or so, but I broke that trend last night. I wake up in the middle of the night, get up to pee and then start thinking about a million things. I usually lay there for about an hour and then a lot of times, I just go ahead and get up and start paying bills, filing papers, doing laundry, watering plants (all the things that need to be done, but I haven't had time). I sometimes look at the clock that stares back 4:30am at me and wonder what the heck I am doing, but I hate just laying there and not being able to sleep. Of course, I then get tired right about 6:30am when I need to get ready for work. Lovely! Things are still crazy busy at work, we are still trying to figure out car situation, house situation (we might be moving), hiring someone for our business to help fill in for me...feels like so many major decisions in our life right now. I had been handling it well, but finally broke down in tears last week. And once the floodgates opened, I couldn't get them stopped. I wasn't even sure why I was crying but I couldn't stop. Luckily my hubby was awesome and made me feel better - he is always my rock pulling me through the rough spots. Overall, I am doing great though and enjoying the 2nd trimester!

Movement!

Sorry for being a horrible blogger lately. I have been thinking about how much I needed to do an update, but have been having trouble finding the time. I spent about 2 out of the last 3 weeks in paranoia again. I kept wondering why I wasn't feeling the babies move. Everyone was congratulating us, talking showers and I kept wondering if this was all going to fall apart. And then I felt them. It has been the most amazing and reassuring thing ever. It's like little fish swimming around. Ever since I felt them for the first time, I have felt them every day since. It's usually when I am working at my computer or watching TV on the couch at night. I keep telling my husband to feel my stomach, but they will never move for him. One more week until my next OB appt. I am so anxious to go back and see these little guys and make sure everything is going ok. It's hard to believe I am almost 20 weeks! I have been feeling great....almost too good. No food aversions anymore, not that tired, no pain other than the occasional twinge here or there. We are narrowing down our crib selection and pretty much finished one of our registries. 2 showers are on the calendar and I have been reading books galore. We're interviewing candidates to fill in for me at work and looking into part-time day care (holy wait lists!!) I feel like there is so much preparation that I need to do, but yet I can still hardly believe this is even happening. I'm wondering when reality is going to set in!

First Trip to Babies.R.us

In one word...overwhelming. I had a friend go with me to BRU this past weekend and help me with what you definitely need (or need 25 of!!) and what is a waste. There are so many gizmos, gadgets and different choices that my head was spinning before we left the first stop...bottles. Different sizes, drop ins or not, ones for colicky babies, ones that go with your breast pump, different nipple shapes and sizes and flows. And then you have the dishwasher rack, the drying rack, the cleaning brushes for all these pieces and parts. Who knew this could be so complicated?! It was fun and exciting, but it was also overwhelming. The other thing I've found from asking around...there are some products that everyone seem to agree on, but in general people have very different opinions about what worked for them. The baby's preferences seem to drive a lot of it and since we don't know these little guys yet, that makes it tough. I'm hoping now that I have a baseline understanding about a lot of it that things will become easier!

A few other things worth mentioning....I am WEAK! I went to climb over a small retaining wall in a parking lot to get to the restaurant where we ate and lunch and I thought my legs were going to give out on me. I am used to being fairly in-shape. I don't know if it was my lack of good work outs, the extra 10 lbs or my change in center of gravity, but regardless I felt pretty pathetic!

Friends have been talking about showers and picking dates. It all kind of scares me. I keep thinking, "I hope I am still pregnant by then." I don't live in daily fear and panic anymore (thank goodness!) but it still feels a little surreal to me.

Started looking at day care options....ugh. My Mom says she is going to help, and hubby and I have our own business so I will have a flexible schedule. I am hoping between me and my Mom that we can cover it, but I am thinking I may need some help 1-2 days a week or when Mom needs a break. Finding part-time for 2 babies isn't going to be so easy. So we'll see...

I am swamped at work, but wanted to take a quick minute to capture everything going on so I can remember this special time!

We have Penises!

17 weeks today! WOO HOO! We had our ultrasound on Monday. I have been so busy at work with little time to write. Everything is great though! I think I am still in shock when the doctors say everything looks normal. I guess I just haven't felt "normal" for so long!!

Heart rates were good, both babies were right on track in terms of growth, we could measure their little femurs and other bones, and confirmed they are making pee! We also confirmed that both babies are BOYS!!! We knew because of PGD, but I just wanted to see with my own eyes. It was so funny...during the ultrasound, one of the little guys put up a hand and pushed the other one. The other one raised an arm to try and block the push. My husband said, "Oh great! They are already fighting!" Too funny! It is amazing they are so teeny tiny and yet are already doing all these amazing things.

We shared the sex of the babies with our families and close friends. Everyone seems so disappointed we don't have at least one girl. As my husband said, "Just be thankful we have ANY babies, people!!" Amen to that!! It's funny how people want to get picky all of a sudden. Oh and they are already weighing in on names. People crack me up how they push their opinions on you.

Definitely the question we are asked most is if twins run in our family. I have been saying that my husband's family does have twins (because they do)....but it's not on the blood side. We'll let that minor detail slide by though!

My belly has definitely popped in the last week and I bought my first pair of maternity pants last weekend and have worn them every day since! HA HA! I am waiting for a box of clothes a friend is sending, which I am hoping will come soon because I don't think I can go back now that I have experienced the stretchy waistbands! : )

Another accomplishment of the week is that I had dinner with a group of "Mom's of Multiples." That was a lot of fun and I think those ladies will be a great resource. It was funny...I casually mentioned that we had problems in the past and did IVF to a couple of people and I got these blank stares. I don't think there was anyone there that had twins as a result of IVF. It quickly put me back in line that multiples does not equal infertility....and not that I thought it did, I guess I just figured that some of them may be IVF babies too. So while I have great Momma resources, they will never know that side of the journey.

I checked out a bunch of books from the library and have a cart full of books on Amazon that I need to order.

We are getting there. This is just now becoming real. A belly and 10 lbs gained helps remind me of that! I really feel great though and just continue to feel so incredibly grateful. I just didn't know if I would ever be a Mom and it's just so hard to believe this is really happening!!

Reflections at 15 weeks

This stretch between doctor's appointments is killing me! The word is out about our pregnancy and I have no reassurance everything is going ok. My belly does seem to be growing and I've gained about 5 lbs so that is my only bit of reassurance. Things at work are really busy right now, so that helps the time to go by somewhat, but it still feels like it is taking for.ever. In fact things are pretty darn stressful at work. I am really trying to make myself relax, because I know that's what's best for the babies (and me), but it's been hard lately. I am waking up almost every night at 3am. Some of that is because I am falling asleep too early. I try and stay up until at least 10pm, but usually I end up falling asleep on the couch around 9pm. I never understood how people can fall asleep sitting up...and I am totally one of those people now. My husband says I drive him nuts with my bobble head so he usually tells me to lay down. ha ha! He has been such a sweetie lately...getting me water or rubbing my feet and helping with dishes and laundry...things that I usually take care of. I think I am getting spoiled!

As a sidenote, I called my RE's office yesterday to pay my ultrasound bill from my 6 week appt (they must be behind in billing!) I can tell when they hear my voice that they are scared out of their mind that something is wrong. So they always hesitantly say, "Oh, hi. Is everything ok?" I quickly say, "Everything is fine. I was just calling to pay my bill" and I can almost hear the sigh of relief on the other end of the phone. I think they don't want me back as bad as I don't want to be back there. I basically camped out in their office for 2 years straight. I literally was 1 step away from being amongst a handful of patients that got their money back for shared risk program. The thought makes me shudder...and yet it also makes me have tremendous hope for so many of you still fighting the fight. I know I've said this before, but I really and truly felt I was going to be one of those few people that ART didn't work for. Even my doctors were amazed I kept coming back. I am just so glad that I did.

I got an email from someone this week that said, "Congrats, MOM!" Mom. That word felt so strange. They were really talking to me??? I just can hardly believe this is happening. I feel beyond blessed. Blessed feels like the wrong word because I truly don't believe that God picks who He wants this to work for and that someone else may not be deserving. I think a lot of it was luck, but regardless, words cannot express how incredibly grateful I feel for this chance to finally be a Mom. Praying that these little babies are growing big and strong!

14 weeks

There hasn't been a whole heck of a lot to report. I have been feeling well minus the stupid dull headaches that seem to appear every day. I am trying to drink more (which I struggle with) and hoping that will help.

The belly seems to be growing some. Still fairly soft, but pooched out quite a bit that even my pants reserved for "fat days" are getting snug.

I splurged on a new bra. My normal bras with underwires were cutting in my boobs and leaving awesome red marks that started to make me concerned that I'd never produce any milk (that was sarcastic in case you couldn't tell...ok, at least half sarcastic. The paranoia never seems to end).

I hung out with a friend this weekend and took a trip to Babies R' Us to get some things for her kids. While we were there, I was asking her questions about car seats, strollers, etc. I feel like I want to look for that stuff because I am still feeling pretty clueless about the choices out there and I've already talked about how I analyze everything a million ways before buying something. But, I found that it felt weird. Other women were there with their big pregnant bellies and couples were registering...they looked like they belonged there. I felt totally out of place.

Another moment like that was in the maternity store. We don't have any real maternity stores nearby, so while I was visiting my friend, I popped in the mall to their maternity store. I am trying to figure out if I should just buy bigger sizes in regular clothes or buy maternity clothes. I was kind of thinking it would be good to buy things that are stretchy and could grow with me so I am not constantly outgrowing and having to buy new stuff. So, anyway, I ventured to the maternity store to just check out what was there. Again, I was surrounded by adorable pregnant bellies. I pulled a couple of things off the rack and the lady in the store said, "Did you want to try those on or are these a gift?" Awesome.

I feel like I am in this weird in-between stage right now where I am pregnant and feel like I should be doing things to prepare, but it's not obvious to the outside world yet, so I feel intimidated and out of place. I am guessing that some of this is in my own head and I shouldn't be so insecure. I am also wondering if I am being too much of a crazy planning lady and should let the stuff go until later, but I started doing the math and it freaked me out. They say to allow for 14 weeks for your crib to come in. I am hoping that the babies don't come until full-term, but for reality sake, I feel like I better have them by about 30-32 weeks just in case. So, we are talking that I need to order at like 16-18 weeks. That's 2-4 weeks from now! I barely even feel like this is really happening, nevermind ordering cribs in a few weeks. EEK!

Hoping things will start to feel more comfortable and natural before long.

Inconceivable

My hubby was out of town, so I decided to watch a chick flick last night, "Letters from Juliet." Highly predictable, but a love story that tugged at my heartstrings nonetheless. I spent the last 30-45 min. of the movie in tears. When the movie ended, and I flipped back to the TV, I found the most amazing TV special was on. It was a story about 2 couples who went to the same IVF clinic and after an embryo mix-up, one woman was pregnant with the other couple's baby. The couple gave the ultimate gift and delivered that baby and turned it over to biological birth parents, no strings attached. So I spent the next hour crying through every moment. I cannot even fathom what both couples have been through and how life altering that experience will forever be. It is an amazing story. Here's the website to the book that is coming out:

http://inconceivablebook.com/

Being on the Other Side

I am pregnant.
I dreamed of this for years and finally it looks like things might work out this time.
And I feel guilty.

Two of my favorite bloggers recently got BFN's and my heart is just breaking for them.

Why was I chosen?
Is it pure luck?
Is it like Vegas and I lost so many times that odds finally had to be me in my favor?
Yeah, I went through hell and back and felt it surely must be "my time" but it is for these amazing ladies and for so many other people, so I can't make sense of it.

It breaks my heart to read of others failed cycles.
I seriously feel like it could have just as easily been me.
I really thought that I was one of those people that this just wasn't going to work out for.

I want to provide support, but yet I know that my name can't come across the screen without the thought of, "She's pregnant. She can't understand."
I did the same thing.

I just wish I could articulate to everyone still in the trenches how much my heart goes out to you.
I know you don't feel this, but I am one of you.
I always will be.
And I pray your time is just around the corner.

Another "Coming Out" story

I decided to tell my hubby's aunt that we are pregnant.

Let me set the background here.....
I had previously told her about our complications and had a long heart-to-heart when we found out about hubby's chromosome issue to see if we could figure out where in the family it came from (which we never did BTW). Anyway, so she knows about the chromosome issue, she knows we were doing IVF and PGD, but she wasn't really in the loop on the timing of any cycles.

So, I said to her the other night, "I wanted to tell you that we are finally pregnant." She squealed with excitement (yay for a good reaction!) and then we start chatting a bit and she says, "You know, I was talking to my friend, Sue, about the trouble you guys were having. Awesome - I'm glad Sue now knows our business. Sue's daughter in law also had trouble getting pregnant and they said it was because she was too thin. You know, that might be your problem."
Me (with mouth on floor): "Well, that is what my OB/GYN told me about 3 years ago, that maybe I should put on some weight. I tried that and then I was just fat and still not pregnant. ha ha! (trying to make a joke while wondering WTH she is thinking)
So we manage to get past that and then she says, "So, do twins run in your family?"
And that was the point I realized she has absolutely no clue what is going on.
Ay yi yi!!!

Telling the Fam...and the bomb that was dropped on us

My husband decided to share our news with his family. Everything was great and I was really feeling the love with the first few people he told on Friday. My hubs was hanging out with his brother today and when we got home I asked him if he told his brother. He said yeah and then proceeded to tell me that his brother's response was, "You might not be the only one." Apparently his wife is pregnant. I feel like the most horrible person on the planet, but I am actually pissed and annoyed about this. They have been married for two months and she's already pregnant. Their relationship is bizarre at best, the marriage was questionable, and now she's already knocked up. When we found out about my husband's chromosome issue, I wondered if his brother would have problems if he ever had kids. Apparently not. Hubs said, "why would you wish that on them?" And I wouldn't. I don't. I wouldn't wish our experience on my worst enemy. Something just pisses me off that we have been married for 6 years, trying to have kids for over 3 and they get knocked up in less than 2 months. They never really tried to be there for us or understand what we were going through and some small piece of me maybe wishes it would have taken a few tries, to just experience wanting something and it not coming that easy....so that maybe they could understand in some small way.

I know this sounds so incredibly childish, but I am also pissed because I feel like this is my time. I have patiently watched and waited through so many pregnancies and I felt like it was finally my time. And now I have to share it. They live close by, we see them all the time, and it is going to be in my face the entire time. I feel so deflated, like the wind was taken out of my sail. I shouldn't let their situation impact ours. That is stupid. I should focus on US, and OUR babies, so why am I having a hard time doing that?

This could be way worse. We could have had another failed cycle and she could be pregnant and then how pissed would I be?? Holy smokes - I can't even fathom the rage, tears and irreparable damage that would have caused. I recognize she is still fairly early in her pregnancy and something could go wrong, at which point I will feel like complete crap for feeling what I am, but odds are that everything will be just fine. Hopefully I can get my head out of my ass and try and be happy for them.

12 weeks

We had our nuchal u/s and everything went just fine. It was so amazing seeing the babies again....squirming around, their little hearts beating, hands moving...just amazing! I almost feel like it's not my belly that I'm seeing on the screen. It must be someone else we are looking at!

I have to share a funny part of the story that I know you guys will appreciate....I went in the U/S room and there was a gown there waiting on the table, like usual. The nurse took my blood pressure, etc. and then said the doctor will be in momentarily. I looked at the gown and said, "So should I change before he comes back? Just bottoms or everything?" She said, "Oh, the ultrasound will be on your stomach so you don't have to undress." This is a new one! Going to the doctor and leaving my pants on! I haven't done that in about 4 years!! Actually I have to say that the transvaginal ultrasound seem to produce a much clearer image. The ones this time seem grainy compared to my 10 week transvaginal ultrasound.

I was a little frustrated because the doctor thought it was somewhat a moot point to check for all the things caused by chromosomal abnormalities given we did PGD and know the chromosomes already. I wanted the extra reassurance that the PGD results were accurate and I specifically asked during my last appointment if they felt it would be worthwhile and they said, "yes." He did go through the motions of everything and plugged my bloodwork in the computer, etc. but he didn't even really review the results with us....just handed us the paperwork and said "everything looks fine, but we already knew that." I felt like it was a little bit of a "rubber stamp" on what the PGD results had already told us. Of course, I'm glad they didn't find any glaring differences, but I almost wished they didn't even know about the PGD because maybe they would have been more thorough or something. I don't know. My hubby seems to think they were still very thorough, so maybe it was just me. They did check the babies' heart, brain, and facial structures and all of that looked good too, which is great. Apparently they can detect about half of birth defects by this point and they'll get to about 85% at the 20 week echo check.

I was hoping to feel a little more relieved than I do. I mean, so far, so good; but I can totally see why some people say that you never totally feel good until you have the baby in your arms. I still feel nervous about "coming out" and my next appointment isn't for another month, so I won't have any new info between now and 16 weeks. If something happens later on, I just don't think I could handle someone asking how the babies are and having to explain some horrific situation or just breaking down in tears (which is what I would probably do). I guess I need to get some "big girl pants" and just suck it up. Maybe a growing belly will help me to feel more pregnant and force me to talk! : ) I'm definitely feeling thicker, but still just basically feel fat. I can't wait to actually look and feel pregnant!!

Blog Award

Recently I was the recipient of a blog award from As Fast As My Baby Can and The Road Less Traveled

I am feeling the love! Thanks, ladies!!!

The rules for accepting the award were slightly different for each award I received, so I am taking a combo of the two:

1. Thank and link back to the person/people who gave you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 7 other bloggers.
4. Contact those bloggers to tell them about the award.

7 things about myself that you might not know:

1. I had a goldfish that lived 13 years (and I am not kidding)! My parents had to take over care for the fish when I went to college!
2. I did competitive gymnastics as a child. I can still do a round-off backhandspring back tuck (for any gymnasts out there that would know what that means), but I am guessing that is quickly going to come to an end with 2 buns in the oven!
3. I am obsessed with ice cream. Love, love, love it!
4. I used to be allergic to fruit, but seem to have outgrown the allergy. Thank goodness because I love fruit too! Ok, I apparently have food on the brain! : )
5. I am a pretty big cheapskate. I love finding deals and recently started "couponing."
6. I wasn't raised with any religion. I have always wanted to find God, and infertility has brought me closer to knowing Him than ever before in my life.
7. I am a sucker for animals. I love dogs and cats. I am totally the person that catches a spider and takes it outside rather than killing it.
   

Hope you found something out about me that you didn't know!

Now, the 7 bloggers that I get to award...

1. More Room In My Heart
2. Such a Good Egg
3. When you Gotta Glow
4. Venting Vagina
5. You Wouldn't Even Make an Omelette with Stale Eggs
6. MISSION: Fertile Soul
7. You Call Me Bitch Like It's a Bad Thing

Thank you to everyone for your amazing and insightful thoughts that you take the time to share and for taking the time to read and share on my blog! Hugs!!

3 Cheers for the end of meds!

I graduated yesterday. No more progesterone up the crotch. No more estradiol. No more baby aspirin. HOORAY! Too bad I would trade those damn-vitamin-horse-pills-that-make-me-gag for the teeny tiny estradiol or baby aspirin any day! Unfortunately, that's not how things work. There is a small part of me that sees those things, particularly the progesterone, as a security blanket and it feels a bit weird to stop, but everything I have heard and read is that the babies don't need it anymore, so I am generally ok with it.

I spent time this weekend checking out baby items online - cribs, carseats, strollers, nursery set ups. I am a total research fanatic and overanalyze everything and with the abundance of stuff we are going to need, I feel like I want to get started, particularly because a) I am clueless; and b) I feel like twins have their nuances and I can't just ask friends (they have singletons). I can feel myself getting all into it and yet there is this subtle reminder in the back of my head warning me to be careful and maybe I shouldn't be doing this yet. The deeper I go, the more it's going to hurt if things fall apart. The ongoing catch 22.

The other thing I am spending oodles of time on is analyzing my belly. I must pull up my shirt about 3 times a day and ask my hubby if my belly looks bigger. I know I am going to be eating my words at some point, but right now, I CANNOT WAIT to have a cute little baby bump! And, please just let me dream for a minute that it will not include my ass getting huge and all kinds of other expansions...just my little basketball belly please! : ) In all seriousness, it is really weird...my belly looks fairly small in the morning and then by the end of the day, it's all full. It as if everything I ate is just sitting there on top and then by morning it is digested. Very weird. I am definitely in my pants reserved for when I feel fat, but no sign of needing maternity clothes anytime soon.

The big event of this week is the nuchal U/S. I am mostly excited, but still a little nervous. I think this is going to be the last big appointment for a while, and we'll be at 12 weeks, so I'm feeling like if everything is ok, we should be ready to "come out" about our pregnancy. But then why don't I feel ready? We need to tell my husband's family (still haven't done that...whoops!) and I'll probably tell a few close friends, but I'm not sure I am going to tell anyone beyond that. Is that weird??