For years, I had images of our perfect little family. Once I was pregnant I knew we were close to achieving that. Now that the babies are here, I'm not sure how realistic I was being. Someday we may get there and be this picture perfect family of four with a mom and dad that love each other like crazy and these healthy, well behaved, well adjusted kids.... the whole 9 yards. For now that picture perfect family is just a dream.
I know I should be posting about how everything is just roses and how I am so in love with my little miracles (which I totally am and for the record completely exceed my expectations for their portion of our picture perfect family), but I want to take just a minute to say THIS IS FREAKING HARD.
I am tired. Physically and emotionally. This job is 24 x 7 and I am awake for about 20 of those 24 hours! The moments when both babies are crying and I only have one set of arms. I have had a few days where I just cry while they are crying. I long for a shower that lasts more than 2 minutes. I want to exercise to get rid of this untoned belly, but that time (and energy) doesn't exist. I want a hot cup of REAL CAFFEINATED coffee, and to drink it while it's hot! Those are some small things. The bigger thing is me and my husband.
We have been through a lot together and always had an amazing relationship, infertility and all; but these past few months have been rough. I basically don't see him through the week. He gets home from work at 6ish, we scramble around trying to eat ourselves and feed the boys and put them to bed and then I am in bed by 8pm. Then I pass him in the morning, as I am stumbling around getting bottles ready, looking like a complete zombie from being up all night and he is rested, fresh, in his suit, going to work with coffee in hand. There is a part of me that is jealous he gets to go out in the world and do whatever the hell he wants. There is a part of me that feels trapped here in my house, trapped to a breast pump 4 hours a day. I don't feel like he understands my life and I don't understand his. We don't have time to talk about it - or time to talk period.
Additionally, my Mom has been staying with us since the boys were born. I am so thankful for her help and the sleep I am able to get because she is here (and that hubby sleeps all night because she is here). Not that I should complain one bit, but I think it somewhat adds to the dysfunction of my husband and I to have someone else in the house all the time. She goes to see my dad on weekends, and that is my small little insight of what it is like as a family of 4. Those days we feel more like a normal couple, but he still has a million projects to do - cut the grass, fix things around the house, visit his grandmother, etc. I want him to just help me and hang out with the boys. I can tell he is totally in "provider" mode and feels like he has to make the money, fix things, even grocery shop and clean sometimes and while I totally appreciate all he is doing, I just want my husband back and not to feel so alone in this process.
I am guessing that much of my feelings have to do with sleep deprivation and hopefully as the boys get older, this mama will get some more sleep. I just hope that my picture perfect family is still in the cards and more importantly that we can be a great mom and dad to these boys. I just want to feel well again...not like this zombie woman who stumbles around the house all day and resents her husband for going out into the world. I feel guilty even posting this because I know there are so many people that LONG for these problems. I did too. I just needed to get this off my chest and since the primary purpose of this blog is for me to remember, that's what I am doing.
The first few months are SO hard...and I didn't have twins. I did, though, have a hard labor which resulted in a harder than usual recovery (couldn't stand/walk for more than 10 minutes the first month without LOTS of pain) and a kid that wouldn't sleep/breastfeed. Most of my friends babies were sleeping through the night or at least a large portion of it at 6-8 weeks, whereas my little guy was still up every 2-3 hours until he 3 months, when he finally slept for a 6 hour stretch (7pm-1am). The sleep deprivation is BRUTAL. And, your life taking care of twins all day combined with the sleep deprivation is way harder than going into work. Your life has totally changed. The thing is...you have to concentrate on what you can fix. You have decided that he's going to work, so there are certain things that can't change. Is there anything about the night feedings that can change? You shouldn't be doing them 100% of the time by yourself. If you want him around more on the weekend, then you need to have set hours that you expect him to be THERE and in the moment with you guys (i.e., from 12-4 on Sundays is family time). Also, maybe you two just need 15 minutes a night just to sit on the couch together, have your mom take care of the babies and TALK to each other about your day. Or, he needs to call you once a day and spend 15 minutes talking to you, listening to you, and you need to hear what is going on in his head. Anyway, that's my unsolicited $0.02. Oh, and try and find an hour each day to get out of the house and exercise. Your core will come back. Mine was mushy for months and I started running 4 weeks post-partum. I feel like it wasn't really the "same" or at least "similar" to what it was pre-baby until I was 9 months post-partum and that's the honest truth. And, I only had a singleton. ALL THIS BEING SAID, feel free to think "you have no F'ING clue what my life is like with twins." 'Cause I don't! I just know how hard it was with one and am extrapolating to two! Also, all my friends with kids say the first 1.5 year is really hard, but then it gets better. I hope that is true for you, too!! (Runningmama from More Room in My Heart)
ReplyDeleteGood for you for acknowledging how truly hard this is! This IS your space for that; we totally understand that you treasure your AMAZINGLY CUTE baby boys.
ReplyDeleteLike Runningmama, as a mom to a singleton, I can only try to imagine what it's like. But I've got five things to offer that you can cheerfully ignore.
1. I hope you know that just because you're exhausted doesn't mean you're doing it wrong.
2. That said, it does seem like a couple minor changes to your DH's routine, like R-mama said, could go a long way.
3. If you feel like "pumping sucks, but I want to keep doing it" then, obviously, keep doing it. But if you feel like, "pumping sucks and I'm counting the days until I can quit." Then think about ditching it. You've loaded up your boys with three months of antibodies. If high-quality formula means a happier mama, that might be a worthy trade-off.
4. Are you in touch with other moms of twins (and more)? I imagine there's all sorts of wisdom to be had there.
5. Do you happen to live in or near western New York? Because if so, I'm coming over with a casserole, and I'm going to rake your leaves while your DH is working, and then I'm going to hold a baby and chat with your Mom while you go for a nice autumn walk/run and THEN take an hour-long shower.
I could have written this post EXACTLY after the birth of my twins. Especially the watching my husband all clean and dressed for work walking out the door part. OMG was I jealous of him at that moment. The difference being that I breastfed my babies instead of pumping, and that my mom wasn't around to help as much as I would have liked.
ReplyDeleteThese are some of the survival tools that helped me: Set up one night a week where hubby (and grandma if you want, but I strongly recommend he go solo) watches the babies and you are free to do whatever...you....want. The important thing is that it is scheduled (so you can look forward to it and plan) and that your husband is solely responsible and not allowed to disrupt your time under pain of death. You would be so surprised at how much just taking a bath and watching your favorite show with a glass of wine can make you feel human again. Another big one is get out with those babies! sunshine and the vitamin D that goes with it are important to lift your mood. Pushing them in a stroller calms them, and gives you some exercise. And three, I don't care if hubby has to go to work, he should be up some of the time with those babies and let you rest. My husband and I worked out a schedule where I was 'on' from 10 pm until 2, and he was on from 2 until 6. He got to sleep in on Saturdays, and I got Sundays. (we actually still split the weekend this way, being able to sleep in on Sunday while he is up w the kids is the highlight of my week). The guaranteed 4 hrs of sleep every night kept me from running for the hills. And I'm only half joking about that, btw, there was some Zoloft in there, too.
The important thing is, that no matter how much you wanted them, no matter how hard you worked to have them, multiples are hard. The first months are a blur, and the first year is a trial. My husband says he wouldn't wish twins on his worst enemy. It doesn't mean you're not thankful, it doesn't mean you wouldn't take on the world for them, it just means you're human...and very tired.
First, thank you very much for writing this. I think people need to share more how hard parenting really is. Secondly, I'm so happy I get to follow in your foot steps in the twin club. Believe me, I will be looking to you for guidance :) big hugs.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine you have much time to blog. I just wanted to write and say I hope things have gotten at least A LITTLE less nutty in the last couple weeks and that you've had more times to relax and just enjoy your amazingly cute little guys with your DH. :-)
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