First OB visit

I went over to the OB/GYN office yesterday to do all the paperwork and bloodwork, etc. My next appt. isn't until Jan. 27, which is just a physical (pap, etc.) and they will listen for fetal hearttones. Apparently if they feel the need for an ultrasound (i.e., can't find heartbeat, etc), they will schedule a subsequent appt. I'm pretty sure I will demand that they check it right then and there if that happens. Then the big nuchal translucency ultrasound is scheduled for Feb. 3rd. I am kind of disappointed that I have to wait so long to go back. I was also just really disappointed in the nurses and staff. It's hard because I really like all of the doctor's I've seen (it's relatively new to me since I moved here not long ago) and the practice comes highly recommended, but the staff just suck. They just treat you like a number and seem so clueless and disinterested about my particular situation and my history. I guess I should be thankful I am finally "normal" and being treated like everyone else, but I feel like screaming, "Do you understand what is at stake here?!! Do you have any idea what I have been through to get to this point?!!"

I have to be honest. I am pretty terrified of my next appointment and whether or not these babies will have heartbeats. I want to believe this is it. I really do. I just can't seem to escape my past and know nothing other than failure, so it's hard for me to imagine this turning out any other way. I go a day or two and do pretty well mentally and then I have a night like last night where I wonder why I'm not more tired, why I don't feel more sick, especially when I am pregnant with multiples. I try to remind myself to live for today - and today I am pregnant. I try to remember that we used PGD this time and hopefully the miscarriages were caused by the translocation the last time and we have dealt with it this time. And then I wonder if there is something else that we don't know about. There is just something so incredibly infuriating in thinking you are living a lie. That is what I felt the last time. I dutifully did my damn progesterone and other meds for WEEKS and those babies weren't alive and my body didn't tell me. It betrayed me. Something about it is just so WRONG. I just can hardly stand to think if that happens again.

I don't want to dwell on the negative and I feel like I've done that a lot, so I am sorry for that. I just want to be honest about what I am feeling and fortunately or unforunately I tend to write more when I am nervous. I am SO SO grateful to have these problems. Really, I am. I just have to get past this next milestone and hear those heartbeats again. I really feel like once I am in unchartered territory, my past will stop haunting me. Hold me to that, k?

Details from the 6w Ultrasound and General Update

Wow - that title couldn't get any more boring! Sorry I'm not feeling very creative. I wanted to capture some additional details about my ultrasound on Friday, mostly so I won't forget. I'm guessing I won't, but you never know...
Anyway, I arrived fairly nervous. My symptoms had subsided most of that week, but the nausea did return somewhat on Thurs. evening and then off and on Fri. morning until my appointment. Regardless, I was fairly unsettled. When we started the ultrasound, my doctor confirmed that black circle (the gestational sac) on the screen was "my pregnancy." He zoomed in and studied it a bit, looking for a heartbeat. As he did, I thought to myself, "Huh, there is only one afterall." I suspected twins with my high HcG levels, especially since they were similar with my last twin pregnancy. He said, "There. See that." referring to the heartbeat. Honestly, I could barely see it. I was trying, but it was ever so faint. Then he moved around a bit more and that's when second black circle entered in. Sure enough, it was twins!! This one actually looked larger and while I didn't see the "flashing" of the heartbeat, I saw the little circle going around and around. I somehow remember the heartbeat more distinct the last time I was pregnant, but if my doc was satisfied, then I guess we are good. It seems so ironic that every time I get pregnant it is twins. It seems it is either feast or famine with us!!

My doctor and the staff could not have been more awesome. I think the entire office was celebrating. My doctor even called the head of the IVF center to tell him the good news and he said that totally made his Christmas. I really think they were as excited as we were, maybe more!! My doctor said they had a center wide meeting earlier that week and he told everyone that I was coming in on Christmas Eve and he said their faces turned white! LOL! I guess everyone loves to cheer for an underdog. I have definitely been a "special" patient of theirs. I get the impression that they don't see many chromosomal issues like our and don't do PGD all that often. It was all too similar with the last time when I left the office with my pregnancy magazines, hugs all around. I was excited, so thrilled for the opportunity, but with a heaviness knowing I have been in this spot before and it didn't work out. So, I am just PRAYING to get past the place I was last time. I feel like once I get to unchartered territory that maybe I will be able to breathe.

So one more thing to share because the timing was just so eerie. We went to church on Christmas Eve at 11pm. Service was over and we got home right about midnight. I had been feeling fine, but when I walked through the door this wave of nausea hit me. I went straight to the bathroom and thought surely I was going to lose it. My mouth was watering like crazy and I was just spitting repeatedly in the toilet. Finally, after a few minutes, it subsided. I never did throw up. It was just so strange because it was literally right at midnight, the start of Christmas Day. I just wonder if God heard my prayer to let me know this was going to be ok and that was my sign.

On the symptom front...I have had off and on nausea. I am starting to wonder if it is actually just indigestion. I have all this pressure up in my diaphragm. My husband tries to hold me in bed at night and I won't let him touch me because I feel claustrophobic, like someone is standing on my chest. I think that feeling makes me feel sick to my stomach. After a break last week from the boobs symptoms, the soreness has come back, this time on the bottom and sides toward my armpits. I keep wondering if I am getting my baby bump but I really think it is just bloating. It seems worse at night than in the morning and if I have to pee (have a full bladder), I feel like my belly is totally popped out, but it seems to come and go so I think it's just bloating.

I called my OB's office to see when they wanted me to come in. I have an appt. on Thurs. AM, but it's just to go over insurance stuff, get my lab slip for bloodwork and schedule my next appointments. No ultrasounds : ( I guess I'll find out when my next ultrasound will be on Thurs. I am kind of paranoid going back to my OB/GYN office. We had just moved when I was pregnant the last time and I have only been to that OB/GYN twice...the first time to be told that the twins didn't have heartbeats and the second time was my miscarriage follow up. Needless to say, it WAS NOT a good experience and I have pretty bad memories of that place. I know it is silly to even consider switching, but I did. It's a team practice, so I never became close with the doctors anyway. However, when I initially did my research, they seemed to be the best around, so I think I will suck it up and go back. It's not their fault and actually they handled this situation very professionally.

Well, that's about it for now. I guess this post is long enough!!

Christmas Miracles

This morning we saw heartbeats x 2! I am so incredibly thankful for this opportunity. Still nervous as heck. Symptoms still coming and going, but I am going to try and take this one day at a time. One foot in front of the other.

Tick Tock 'til Friday

We had a nice little getaway with my husband's family this past weekend, a trip we take almost every year around the holidays. We shopped, ate, and relaxed, which was all fabulous except for the eating part. Apparently the queasiness decided to make its debut at the end of last week. It wasn't unbearable; I just had no interest in food whatsoever. The hot, crowded seafood restaurant on Sat. night didn't go too well though. I basically just pushed food around my plate for an hour and could not get anything down. While I can't say I was thrilled to feel icky, it did provide some reassurance that something was going on. Aside from that, the only other symptoms I have experienced have been sore breasts, some bloating and a serious case of the burps. I was settling in a little bit until today when my nausea decided to disappear. Not that I am particularly sad to see it go, but of course my paranoid brain says, "why do I feel ok all of sudden?" "Something's wrong." So I have basically declared myself a basket case until Friday and we get some more information. Counting down the days... tick tock, tick tock.

Feeling Nervous

I don't know why, but I am so uneasy. Scratch that - I DO know why given my history. I just hate it. I am so freaking nervous. I did great...for about a day. I allowed myself to dream of having a huge belly next summer at the beach and that this would be THE LAST childless Christmas. But, then the fear just keeps creeping back in. I wish I had done the second beta even though my doctor's office told me I didn't need to so I had some reassurance. I want to pee on a stick and make sure it gets darker, but I am almost too scared of it going terribly wrong that I would rather be ignorant. Isn't that ridiculous?? I hate this gray crap that I am still seeing. It can't possibly be good. Yesterday, I thought I was starting to have some weird food reactions because I wanted nothing to do with sweets and I am a huge sweets girl, but today, cookie monster is back! Yesterday, I thought I had noticed a change in my boobs (surely they are bigger) and this morning, nope - pretty normal. I am just scared to death to put my heart out there and have it be ripped out again. I just don't think I can handle it. I had a friend tell me that for the first trimester she basically wouldn't admit or say the words she was pregnant. She just said, "Apparently I have HCG in my blood." I can seriously see why she did that. I am terrified I am going to go to the U/S next week and be told something is terribly wrong. I always thought your body would let you know if something was wrong, until I had a missed miscarriage and I didn't know a damn thing until I walked through those doors, happily gazed up at the screen to see my two babies and then hear the worst words I think I ever heard..."Neither one has a heartbeat. I am so sorry." This is just another reason that IF completely SUCKS...it robs you of the joy you should be allowed to experience during this special time. Am I incredibly grateful for the chance? Absolutely. But I also scared out of my damn mind.

Someone Pinch Me

I basically didn't sleep at all last night. I woke up at 1:30am and reminded myself of what had happened and my mind just spun and spun and so I tossed and turned for the next 5 hours...and hubby about killed me!!

A couple of things:
· I forgot to mention this yesterday, but my doctor's office said I didn't even need to do the second beta tomorrow because my numbers were already so high. I have never heard of this. Have you??
· I am still confused about gray matter I am seeing. I asked the nurse about this and she said it is just coming from my vagina. Huh?? First, that's kinda gross. Second, what is causing it? I guess the progesterone, but doesn't that seem strange?
· The Christmas Eve ultrasound. Yesterday that sounded wonderful. Now I am starting to wonder if that was a good idea. What if it's bad news? Do I really want to ruin this Christmas (and probably every one thereafter)?
· What is a healthy mindset? I am thinking "cautiously optimistic." I am ranging from basically being in complete denial and feeling like they really must have mixed my blood up with someone else's to seeing my dreams within reach again but so scared to grab them only to have them ripped away.

I can really say that I was pretty low on hope and was somewhat just going through the motions. I think it was my defense mechanism kicking in. I have just been hurt too many times. This new news has definitely brought hope back into my life in a hurry, but it also scares the crap out of me. I am immensely grateful for this chance and am just PRAYING this is “it.” Thank you all for your support. It means so much.

Complete Shock

I am in complete shock right now. I literally feel like I am dreaming and someone is going to wake me up.

My doctor's office just called and my beta was 2400.

I really don't know what I said. I think I said, "You can't be serious?" I was seriously positive that this didn't work. I just can't even believe this is real.

Ultrasound is schedule for Christmas Eve morning.

HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just Waiting for Bad News...

I dutifully did my progesterone suppositories and went for my scheduled beta this morning even though I know in my heart this didn't work. The only thing that has me confused is that I don't have my period, which is weird for me.

After going through 5 transfers, being pregnant twice, and not being pregnant many more times, you'd think I would have complete clarity on whether or not a cycle worked. In fact, I feel like I really know my body well. However, this 2ww definitely confused me. I knew in my heart from about 8dpt that I wasn't pregnant. I didn't have any of the symptoms I've had in the past; however, every other BFN cycle, I got my period before my scheduled beta. This time, nothing. Not even one tiny bit of spotting. I was doing 2 Cr.i.none suppositories per day and maybe that level of progesterone was just higher than in the past so it held off AF. What was also completely strange (TMI WARNING) is that on Saturday, I found some bits of gray matter that had come out on the suppository stick, which I have come to know from my miscarriages to be fetal matter. I tried to act like I didn't see it. I tried to convince myself that maybe that wasn't it because after all, I wasn't bleeding. But deep down, I know what I saw.

So, it's now 3pm and I finally broke down and called my RE's office. Usually they call by noon. I held off on any pills or suppositories today because I feel like they were a waste, but it's late, so if by some crazy chance I am wrong, I need to know! They said they haven't seen the lab report and would make some calls and get back to me. So I wait.

3 cheers for Hubby!

My husband's aunt has a holiday party every other year. She has about 40 people for a sit down meal with about 20 courses....ok 5, but it feels like 20! It's mostly their friends and then some family, so most of the people are in their 50's-70's. So bear with me as I paint this picture. We are all called into one room and stand in a circle. My aunt then instructs everyone to go around and introduce themselves and share something they have done that year. We start around the room and hear about wonderful trips to faraway destinations from the other guests and then almost every.single.one proceeds to say how they are completely in love with their [insert number] of wonderful grandchildren who bring such joy to their lives, yadda, yadda, yadda. So as I am thinking back through the year and realize we have been NO WHERE (which is odd for us because we love to travel) and I realize it's because we never know our F'ing schedule because of stupid infertility treatments. So WTH am I gonna say?? I finally come up with my line. So we go around 3/4 of the room before it's our turn. My husband is first and guess what he says???? He said, "Well, we've spent the entire year trying to make some grandkids with no success." I was somewhat in shock, but somewhat elated. I want people to know that this shit doesn't always come easy. And then the comments came. One lovely lady yells out, "Oh, just stop trying and then it will happen." And then from the other side of the room a gentleman yells, "I can come over and help you with that!!" Bursts of laughter. It was kinda funny, I guess. I was proud though....proud of my husband for saying what we REALLY did this year, and hopefully after some of the wine wears off, maybe that little bit of information will stick with those folks in case one day one of their grandchildren have problems too.

Nada

There's absolutely nothing going on over here in terms of pregnancy symptoms. I would say with about 99% certainty that this FET didn't work. It's to the point that I wish AF would just show up so I could drink (A LOT) at the Christmas party we are supposed to attend tomorrow night.

2 Little Stockings

I love Christmastime for many reasons: the music, snuggling up in a blanket by the fire, sipping on yummy hot chocolate, reflecting on things and people I am thankful for, wrapping presents, and lots of other things. However, there are so many days that those bits of joy are overshadowed by gloom thanks to stupid infertility.

I actually think something is wrong with me because I have come to despise Christmas cards. I mean, who hates Christmas cards??? I think my middle name is Scrooge. Everyone sends these cute little cards with pictures of their perfect family and every year I am left to figure out what the heck to send. I have a friend that doesn't have kids and she puts pics of her and her husband, usually pictures from trips they took that year. I considered doing that, but to me, it just paints the perfect picture of what is NOT there - a child. Granted, I doubt anyone else would see it that way, but I do and I hate it.

I hate the fact that year after year we have our same two cheapo stockings. I had in my mind that I would order up some nice stockings from Pottery Barn when we have a child and can all have pretty matching ones with our names on them. Yeah - not happening.

I absolutely love shopping for little outfits and toys for nieces, nephews, and children of my friends, and I constantly find myself keeping that special outfit because it's so stinking cute and I want my OWN child to wear it someday.

I hate the stupid dynamics of trying to figure out if we are going to see my family or my husband's family this year and I dream of the day we can stay home and have our OWN Christmas traditions.

I feel like I have had these dreams for so long and each Christmas, I realize that another year has passed and they are not coming to fruition. I want so badly to believe that I will look back on these years as a small blip on the radar screen and chuckle to myself that I should have savored the peace and quiet of the season because now I have a house full of bustling kids up at 4am wanting to see what Santa brought. But I am scared out of my mind that that day will never come.

Head Trash

The stupid 2ww creates such head trash. The past 24 hours my brain has gone something like this....

I am now 6 days past a day 6 blastoycyst transfer. I'm pretty sure I should be feeling something by now. My boobs are huge and sore, but that's just the progesterone. I am starting to get some cramping, but I'm pretty sure that is pre-period cramps. I shouldn't think such negative thoughts. I am probably causing this not to work by thinking the worst. I should just try to have faith that this should work and wait until the very end. But who am I kidding? I know my body and my body is telling me that this didn't work. So, why should I live in a dreamland? So, if this cycle doesn't work, should we just try again next month or should we take a break? I think the center is closed in either December or January. I need to check on that. So if these embryos didn't take, I wonder if the whole "batch" was messed up and that means our other two frozen embryos won't work either - maybe they were bad eggs or too much poking and prodding from the 2 PGD biopsies and the freezing process. So, should we go through another fresh cycle if we use all of these up? No - this is ridiculous - I have done 4 egg retrievals and 3 FET's. Why are we going to continue to beat our heads against the wall and waste our hard-earned money? Maybe I should look up those adoption seminars again. No, I don't feel ready for that. I should stop feeling sorry for myself. Seriously, there are people like Elizabeth Edwards who were just told that she has WEEKS left to live. And there is my friend of a friend, who just found out her husband has been cheating on her and is caught up in some work gambling scandal and she now is getting divorced and starting over at 30. I could have these problems. So stop feeling sorry for yourself.

But, somehow none of those thoughts stop heaviness in my heart and the tears from flowing.

Progesterone Boobs

I hate progesterone. I could do a whole post about the various types of progesterone because I think I have used every one known to man and how I hate the leakage and various other things about actually having to use it. But right now, during this 2ww, I hate it because it confuses the hell out of me.

It makes my boobs feel all....what's the word....pregnant. They feel so full and heavy on top. At night, I take off my bra and for about a minute, I try and figure out if my boobs are feeling the way they do because of my push-up bra, the progesterone or if it's the first pregnancy symptoms. My first 2 IVF cycles, I DID get pregnant and so I remember how it felt. The last 2 IVF cycles, I really thought I was pregnant again because my boobs felt the same as they did when I was pregnant. What I didn't realize is that it was the progesterone talking. So now I'm all over-analyzing everything and it's driving me crazy.

I am not feeling any of the other pregnancy symptoms I had in the past and I have this pit in the bottom of my stomach with the thought that this didn't work again, but I am really trying not to think negative thoughts. I still have a week to go and am trying to keep my chin up until proven otherwise.

I love Sundaes...especially with CHERRIES ON TOP!

I want to thank my bloggy friend, KC from You Wouldn’t Even Make an Omelette with Stale Eggs for such a sweet gesture and giving me my first award!

I am new to blogging and still am fairly clueless, so bear with me…

The general guidelines are to link back to the person who awarded you, then pick five blogs to pass the award to. Just save the picture and paste it into your next post. Comment on the blogs to whom you've bestowed the award so they know they've got it.

I want to pass this award along to the following amazing ladies:

• The Baby Baker from Venting Vagina who just got a BFP with amazing beta numbers!
• Megan from Bottoms on and On a Break previously known as “Bottoms off and on the Table” who has been through tremendous heartbreak and although she hasn’t been blogging that often lately, she has some AMAZING posts that just seem to resonate with everyone.
• Running Mama from More Room in my Heart who has just suffered a BFN.
• Keya from Stolen Fertility…and my quest to find it who is currently enjoying a much deserved vacation and is in her 2ww.
• Maria from Mission: Fertile soul who is deciding her next steps and is always seems to leave the sweetest comments for others. (I just saw that Maria just received this award from someone else, so please don’t feel like you have to do double the work. I just wanted to recognize you anyway!)

2 Blasts Transferred, 2 in the Freezer

Everything went smooth at my FET yesterday, aside from the fact that my doctor was 1 HOUR late and I almost peed my pants! During that wait, I talked to the head of the IVF Center, who is such a gem. He has been just amazing through this whole process. He said they thawed 2 of the blastocysts that morning and 1 didn't do well, so they thawed a third. We ended up with 1 "good" blastocyst and 1 "fair" one. He didn't provide me numbers. He said he was very encouraged by the one and wouldn't rule the other one out. We joked that these little ones would be like Superman if they make it after all the trauma they have been through (and yep, they are both boys!) Gotta love what PGD tells you! So, we shall see. Here are the pics of my beauties. You'll notice they are hatching...part of that is because of holes that were lasered for the PGD biopsy.


On to the 2ww. My first beta isn't until 12/13. Isn't that kind of late??

Tomorrow is Transfer Day

I have been feeling pretty crappy lately. Just feeling bloated, a bit nauseous, having headaches, just overall yuck. I don't remember the estrace pills or progesterone doing that in the past with FET cycles, so I'm not sure what's going on. To top things off, I managed to catch my husband's cold. I want to be feeling my best right now, so I can be thinking positive thoughts, and instead I feel totally BLAH and am thinking about phlegm instead of happy baby thoughts. I am going to try and tough it out though because ready or not, here we are!

Transfer is tomorrow afternoon.

We have 5 frozen blastocysts. They are thawing to transfer 2, which basically means they thaw 2 and if both don't make it, they will thaw more until they have 2 for transfer. Here's hoping we have some tough ones in that batch that can withstand the 2 biopsies for PGD and the freeze/thaw process. I am secretly hoping that the first 2 embryos survive the thaw and we have the others for future cycles, but of course, I would be thrilled to even have the opportunity to transfer one. I just know how hard it is for us to make a healthy embryo, so each one of them just feels so precious. Fingers crossed for better luck this time!!

Slacker

I am being a complete slacker this cycle. I'm not sure what's going on. Usually, I am totally anal and organized and up my husband's ass to be on the ball about something. This cycle, I have completely sucked. I forgot to get my estradiol drawn last week. Because I didn't have a specific day, and could do it anytime last week, I woke up on Saturday to find my paperwork buried on the counter and let out a big, "WHOOPS!" when I realized I forgot to get it drawn and the lab was now closed for the weekend. Turns out it was no biggie and I did it on Monday. But, then I get a call today saying they have not received my faxed IVF consent form for the FET at the center and to please send ASAP. OOPS! My brain is complete mush this time!

I am thinking it's because of several things... SCRATCH.
My excuses are...

a) Frozen cycles are sooo much easier than fresh cycles. You barely have anything to do, so apparently my brain has decided to take a complete vacation from the few things I AM supposed to do!

b) My husband had laser eye surgery yesterday. We moved our scheduled FET for 11/23 out to 11/30 because the eye doctor only had 1 day left before the end of the year and I was really focused on that and getting his meds, his appts, etc.

c) I have been through this so many times that I am not as focused on the protocol because I am an "old hat" by now.

In a way I am glad I'm not obsessing as much. The time goes so much faster and I don't drive myself and my husband crazy.

On the other hand, I sometimes stop and ask myself if I really still want this - or am I just going through the motions at this point? Every time I have stopped and asked myself, I always find that I absolutely DO still want this and then proceed to begin feeling a huge ache in my heart - and so I quickly jam the door shut on that conversation with myself. I guess I have just been raked over the coals so many times and the pain has been so horrible and all-consuming for so long, that maybe it's my defense mechanism to try and not get as emotionally involved. I don't know. It's definitely kind of weird to be a slacker patient though.

FET Update

I had my ultrasound. Lining looked good and I am ready to go. HOWEVER, we decided to move the FET back a week. My husband is getting laser eye surgery on the day the transfer was supposed to be. Ordinarily we never would have moved it, but this is the last day the doctor could do it this year, and given we have been waiting forever for this FET, what's another week? We laughed at the possibility of my parents driving my half-blind husband and valium'ed up me to my transfer and quickly decided that was a bad idea. So we are on for Nov. 30th! Hoping we have some tough embryos!!

Finding Humor in an RE Visit

You know this drill....

You're sitting in the RE office waiting room. Everyone buried in their book or magazine. Silence that could cut glass.

The waiting room door opens and the cheerful nurse announces, "Debbie....come on back."

You go back, pee if you need to, go into the room and are given your instruction, which for me has slimmed down to 2 words...."Waist. Down." I know the drill.

I take off my pants and underwear and neatly fold them on the chair. I am not sure why I feel the need to hide my underwear when the doc is about to come in and get a full frontal shot.

I digress....

I hop up on the table and cover myself in the sheet. I try and tuck it around my backside because my shirt isn't coming down quite far enough and I feel like I am going to moon my doc right as he walks in the room.

My legs hang over the end of the table and I kick them around a little. I look down at those little cotton stirrup covers donning the brand of some drug company logo and am thankful I remembered to wear socks because they are getting pretty funky. The white white is gone and instead have a brownish tint and little pulls in the cotton. I am just glad I don't have to put my bare feet in them. Don't these drug companies make enough money they can get my doc some new ones?

So, I sit there and gaze up at the Chinese Conception Chart posted on the wall and find the month conceived and my age and see if I am having a girl or boy. I begin to wonder - so "month conceived" I wonder if that means really when this baby was conceived....because that would have been September when I did my egg retrieval and the eggs were fertilized, but now it is November when I'm doing my frozen cycle, so hmmmm...which one should I use???

And then I hear a door close and my doctor's voice and I wonder if he is coming in my room, so I straighten up my posture and get my sheet on just right, and then I hear him enter another room and begin talking to another patient.

Slouch. Back to my Chinese Conception Chart. So where was I? Oh yeah...September or November? Well, let's just look at both. I am having a girl either way. Perfect!

My eyes gaze over to the infertility literature on the wall and I think about how I read that very brochure 2 years ago when I first walked in this office. Didn't they get some new materials by now?

And then I looked at the pile of condoms (or ultrasound protection thingies) laid out on the table. And the ultrasound gel. And how one day I would have immaturely giggled at the thought of KY and Condoms at the doctor's office and probably even contemplated stealing some for my personal use.

I look at my watch. How freakin' long have I been sitting here??? It has to have been at least 15 minutes. Seriously....why can't they just leave me to my People magazine out in the waiting room if my doc isn't ready???

And then I realize there is a stack of magazines on the counter. Ok, perfect. I can read one here. Of course it's not People, but "Cooking Light" should having something interesting. And then I pause. I look at the distance to the counter and know that given my luck, my doctor is going to walk in at the very moment I am off the table and darting across the room, bare ass, to get my Cooking Light magazine. Or maybe I make it back to the table and start reading it....what am I supposed to do with the magazine when he comes in and is ready for the exam. Put it on my stomach??? Throw it on the floor??? Keep reading??? At this point, I probably could.

So I stay put and stare longingly at the Cooking Light magazine from afar. Is that a lemon tarte recipe???

I look back at my watch and surely it's been 25 minutes by now. Should I go out there? I am going to say something this time. I mean - this is ridiculous. I know his time is valuable, but mine is too. I am supposed to be at work right now. I have shit to do. I am going to say something this time.....

I hear some rumbling outside my door. Sounds like he is reading my chart. I'm sure he is thinking, "oh yeah, here's my pain in the ass patient who can't understand why she's had 2 miscarriages." He opens the door and says, "Hey Deb! I'm so sorry you're back, but I always enjoy seeing your smiling face" letting me know he remembers me and he cares.

My tough-guy act of cussing him out for making me wait and not valuing my time disappears as I laugh with him at the struggle we've been through...together. I can't be mad at him because my future is in his hands. He is my chance at a baby. I really do feel like he wants this to work almost as bad as I do. And I love him for that.

Holy PMS

Not too much to report, other than a whole lotta PMS going on. Major headaches (guessing that's somewhat from the Estrace) and plenty of crying. It didn't help that I attended a funeral yesterday.

So, my tentative FET date is 11/23. We had to decide if we should squeeze it in before Thanksgiving or do it the following week. I figured I would give the 23rd a whirl and then if my lining isn't quite ready, we can push it off if need be. I go in for an U/S on 11/16 to check the status and figure out our gameplan.

Lots of emotions....Excited to FINALLY get started (my stupid cycles are SO long!), but also scared of another failure. Scared that we thaw all 5 embryos and NONE survive the thaw. I have been so set on definitely having a transfer, but there are no guarantees in this program. Terrified about "what's next" given this is our last shot in shared risk. Weirded out thinking about the possibility that depending on which embryos they decide to thaw, that the embryologist could be deciding the order of our children. While I think about these things, I am not obsessing like I used to. I'm sure my husband is pleased I am not doing any of those 3am "I can't sleep" wake up sessions with my mind spinning about things. At least not yet...

P90X + Period = Bad Idea

This weekend I was feeling bloated and my hubby was doing one of his P90X videos, so I decided to join him. Have you ever tried P90X? Those people are superhuman! I did the video called Ab Ripper X. Big mistake. Aunt Flo decided to FINALLY arrive and I feel like someone has tied my stomach muscles in knots. Headache, cramps, and sore abs all together is so not cool. And I still look and feel bloated. Awesome.



The good news is that CD1 is here and that means we are one day closer to our FET. Woo hoo! I am still so frustrated by what happened this past cycle and that we have had to wait so long, but trying to remain optimistic since we have 5 frozen blastocysts that are chromosomally normal. Now I just have to pray that we have one (or more) tough cookies in there!

Crème de la Crème

The extremely talented and infamous LollipopGoldstein has opened up the "Creme de la Creme" for this year. If you aren't familiar, you definitely need to check it out. It's basically the best infertility blog posts of the year!

I have read many blog posts over my years of infertility, but never decided to blog on my own until recently. I think you long-term bloggers call it "lurking" although I did leave comments periodically ; )

Anyhoo....I decided to check out some of the posts on the Creme de la Creme list from 2009 and guess what I found?????

TONS of these folks from the 2009 Creme de la Creme HAVE BABIES!

Now some of them had babies at the time, but many of them were right in the midst of their infertility struggles.

What made it especially powerful is that I clicked on the link to the article that was selected for the Creme list. Many times, I read about their pain, their struggles, the anger, the sadness....the raw emotion that earned that spot on the Creme list....and then I clicked on their header to see what they were up to now....
and time after time, it was their newborn baby.

I stumbled upon one, and thought, "Hmmm, isn't that neat? Here she was blogging in 2009 about her infertility struggles and the next year, she is posting about her newborn."
And then I read more, and more pregnancies...and babies...

I don't know why, but when I follow people's stories day-to-day and hear of their success, it's like they are on "the other side." They have moved on. And I am left behind. It's so personal.
But this was not a day-to-day snapshot, this was a year-to-year snapshot, and many blogs I had never read....which somehow made those successes a bit easier to swallow, not so "in your face" or something.

And it was the numbers. It wasn't just one story (not that each an every story isn't amazingly special), but there was power in the numbers. This didn't just happen once or twice...it happened A LOT. Dreams were being realized. Battles won. For many (or dare I say, most) people, this WILL work out in the end.

But, alas, back to the personal aspect and that they are there and I am here, childless....
but what I realized after reading so many entries from that Creme list and seeing their outcomes, is that they really were in my shoes at one time too. And guess what???
I could be in theirs someday too.

Miracle Babies

This week I went to see one of my good friends new baby. When I was there, she was just finishing a playdate with another friend. They both have little girls who are 3 years old. Ordinarily, the thought of new babies and playdates are things I run from. But, this was different. These 3 year old girls that were chasing each other around the house, giddy from Halloween cupcakes, were both frozen embryos at one point. Both their momma's had sacrificed tremendously and gone through years of devastation before they were brought into the world. And then I looked at my girlfriend's new baby, another beautiful IVF baby. I was literally in the IVF Center when that child was conceived....because I was having my retrieval the very same day as her Mom. Of course, I was sad for a moment that my path didn't turn out like hers and that I could have a child at this very moment too (and don't). However, what was even stronger was an overwhelming sense of hope and gratitude that we live in 2010 where we have IVF and ICSI and that is what gave these amazing ladies the ability to have their family. It was just so powerful. There is a certain connection between women that experience infertility - an unspoken code, that we just understand each other. Thank God we have each other.

Facebook & Infertility

I was reading back through some of my blog posts and they are kinda heavy. Maybe I am just inspired to write when I am contemplating the tough questions. Who knows.
Anyway, to lighten things up a bit and because I got such a great laugh, I wanted to share this post about living in a world of infertility and Facebook. You have to be a Facebook user to fully appreciate some of the humor; hence my husband staring blankly at the screen, not finding it one bit amusing.

Whether or Not to Rain on Someone's Parade

I often wonder if my infertility experience has made me overly jaded and cynical. Ok - don't answer that. But, it has also been a wake up call to reality and possibilities.

I was reading a blog post from someone who has been struggling through infertility for several years. Through her many failed cycles, she has never had a positive pregnancy test, but this latest cycle she got a positive test. She is obviously over-the-moon happy. She appears to have graduated from the world of infertility and is already talking about pregnancy symptoms, what foods to avoid, and morning sickness. She has moved on to a new chapter.

I am so happy for her. I am. But this little voice in my head whispers, "Yeah, I was that over-the-moon happy girl twice too, and it ended in disaster." I feel like telling her, "Be careful getting your hopes up. Approximately one-third of all pregnancies end in miscarriage."

I feel the need to educate others. I feel the need to warn others because then if something goes wrong, maybe it won't be quite as hard. But who am I to rain on her parade?

I find myself doing this constantly. I have another friend who is considering trying for Baby #2. Depsite the fact that I have shared my story and lots of other stories (including secondary infertility) with her, she still makes comments like, "Well, I think we'll start trying around Christmas because then little Johnny will be 3 when the baby is born."

HA! Just because she had baby #1 easily doesn't mean baby #2 will be that easy.

Why am I a total brat and constantly think the worst? Why do I feel the need to speak out, to warn these people? Do I want them to suffer like I have? No - I really don't. Do I want to be understood? Yeah, I guess. Why do I always end up biting my tongue and saying nothing?

With the infertile, recently pregnant example, I contemplated leaving a comment, but decide not to, because really - what can she do about it anyway? So I scare her to pieces and then there's not a damn thing she can do. Awesome.

What frustrates me is example #2. I try to share, to educate, to help others to stretch and consider the possibilities, but it is obvious that people ultimately don't believe it will ever happen to them.

And that kind of pisses me off.

I didn't think it would happen to me either. But guess what?! It did! So that's when I feel like telling these people to get their head out of their ass and stop thinking they are somehow immune!


I guess it just drives home the isolation, the feeling of being totally different - and alone - and that no one understands. Even some people battling infertility. Which is weird.

I also realize that ignorance really is bliss. Everyone deserves the beyond-excited-I-can't-even-see-straight feeling when they get a positive pregnancy test. Everyone deserves to dream of their future and building their family. Just because my dreams have been crushed doesn't mean I should crush someone else's. I keep trying to remind myself that unfortunately, I was that unlucky minority and not everyone needs to know or fear the pain and loss I experienced. Let them have their moments, their dreams, and pray it all works out....just as I wanted.

Tug at my Heart Strings

Being the financial nerds that we are, my husband and I were discussing the cost of our medical bills and tax implications given we are only a few months away from the end of the year. My husband has horrible eye sight and was contemplating getting laser eye surgery. We figured we would do it in a year that we had lots of other medical expenses because once we hit the 7.5% AGI threshold, we can deduct everything beyond that. So our conversation went something like this....

Husband: If all goes well, hopefully we won't have such crazy medical expenses next year, so maybe I should do the surgery this year.
Me: HA! "If all goes well...." We've said that a time or two before! We're probably just getting started on the cost because we're on our last try of shared risk and then we get to pay full freight per cycle!
Husband: Yeah, seriously.
Me: [after seriously considering the question and losing my sarcasm] Actually, we will probably have high medical expenses either way next year. Either we'll be paying for more IVF/PGD or we'll be having a baby [and given we have a high deductible plan since we're self employed, we'll be footing most of that bill] so actually I guess it doesn't really matter if you do it this year or next.
Husband: Well, I was thinking that if we had a baby and I had to get up in the middle of the night, it would be nice to be able to see.

GULP. See - my husband doesn't say things like that. He doesn't think of things like that. He's a tough guy who is busy working, farming, whatever. And the thought that he WANTS to get up... in the middle of the night.... for a baby.... just puts a giant lump in my throat. I'm not really sure why I am so surprised. I mean, afterall, he has been along for this ride for the last 3 years too!

When Bad Things Happen to Good People

I recently read a book by Harold Kushner called When Bad Things Happen to Good People. My world has kind of been turned on its head since reading it. I wasn't raised with religion and have just recently (within the last year) been seriously exploring my faith and have actually ENJOYED going to church. Much of that has to do with our infertility struggles. I constantly asked myself things like

• Why me?
• What have I done to deserve this?
• Does God think I would be that horrible of a mother?
• Is God punishing me for not being more faithful to Him?

Friends that knew much more about faith than I did assured me that God LOVES me, not that He is punishing me.

I had finally come to a place where I felt like God has a plan for us. Although we can't understand it now, we will come to see and it will be for the best. It will work out the way it is supposed to. I am usually a believer that "things happen for a reason." I guess I just needed to feel there was purpose to what I was experiencing.

This book throws all of that out the window.

I enjoyed many aspects of Kushner's book, which offered the view that there is randomness in the world and that God is as outraged as we are about the injustice that occurs. It provided some comfort in knowing that Sh!t does happen and it's not God that is punishing us, but rather that God is actually there with us when we are grieving. He is the one that helps us to keep going even when we have hit rock bottom and don't think we have anything left to give. Where else do we get that strength from?

However, I am feeling fairly unsettled after reading the book. I feel like God has been stripped of His power, that He is so limited and I guess I always just thought of an all-powerful God. I would like to just write-off Kushner's viewpoint; however, I can't reconcile between an all-powerful God that could stop cancer, hurricanes, infertility and chooses not to with this limited God that Kushner portrays.

God seems less tangible than before I read the book and I feel further from Him. And that makes me mad.

Much of this probably has to do with the fact that my faith is still very new and developing. It kind of makes me sad that I am rocked so easily and shows just how weak my beliefs are. I wanted to believe I was further along than this.

I enjoy books like this one that offer new perspective and make me think, but I don't like feeling so unsettled about things after reading them. I am making my hubby read it so we can discuss! He usually helps me clear things up!

Nobel Prize

Dr. Robert Edwards of Britain won the 2010 Nobel Prize in medicine yesterday for developing in-vitro fertilization. Louise Brown was the first baby born using IVF in 1978 and since then over 4 million babies have been born using IVF. How awesome is that?!

One of my girlfriends that just had a baby using IVF wrote this on Facebook yesterday, "Timing couldn't be more fitting that I get to congratulate and thank Dr. Edwards on his Nobel Prize. His work has allowed us to have a family, and to use the words of a friend, no words can express our gratitude." Amen sister!

While I can't say I am glad to have been dealt this hand of cards, I do think about how lucky I am to be living in 2010 where we have the science and technology like IVF and PGD. If I had been born 50 years ago, there would be viurtually no hope for a biological child. People like Dr. Brown made it possible for people like me to even have a chance and for that I am incredibly grateful.

Lines in the Sand

I just got back from my brother in-law's wedding. It was a beautiful day and my now sister-in-law was a beautiful bride. They were together for 8 years before getting married, so it was one of those "long time coming" weddings. As I took everything in this weekend, so many thoughts rushed through my head..... when going through our last cycle and looking at the timing, I knew my pregnancy test would have happened just prior to the wedding so butterflies went through my stomach as I considered that I could be pregnant at their wedding. But instead, because of the botched PGD, there was no chance of being pregnant. So another milestone passed where I thought I could be pregnant and yet again, I'm not. At least I got to consume plenty of yummy champagne and drown my sorrows!

As I watched them hold her little nephew and play with her niece, I wondered if they would have any trouble having children and if my brother-in-law would be affected with a balanced translocation like my husband (we don't know if it was inherited or de nova). Of course I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, but this tiny part of me wishes it won't be a "cake-walk" either. Hearing myself say that out loud sounds horrible and I feel like an awful person. I just wish there was some way they could understand just 1% of what we are going through. They always just say, "Everything will be fine. Everything will work out. I just know it." Really???? How???? Cause I don't! And the thing is, they aren't saying that with an informed opinion. They don't know anything about our condition and what we are up against and so this blanket optimism just doesn't really sit well with me.

I think about the fact that my husband and I got married over 5 years ago and the idea that they may have kids before we do or heck, that they will have a house full of kids, and we may never have any kids – and that thought is just too much to bear. I try to refrain from these "Doom's Day" thoughts because really, what is the point in hashing through all these "what-if" scenarios? All it does is make me crazy. So then why do I keep doing it? All I can figure is that it's my own little way of trying to prepare myself for the possibilities.

Left Behind

I feel like I'm getting left behind.

I felt that way before. Most of my friends had a relatively easy time getting pregnant (within 6 months of trying) and then there was me.
But I found new friends, friends with infertility, and then I had a new world where I was sort of "normal" again.
But now, all my wonderful, amazing friends that I struggled through infertility with are close to having their perfect family of 4 and then there's me - still working virgorously for just 1 child.

Friend #1

She had her first child no problem. First cycle off BCP and whaddya know. Second child - they tried and tried and no luck. I imagine secondary infertility must be even harder in some ways because if you've had success before, I imagine it's a tough pill to swallow to admit something is wrong the second go 'round. Anyway, they finally saw an RE, did several rounds of failed IUI's, finally found out she had endometriosis, did a laproscopy and got pregnant on her own. I found out I was pregnant with the twins like a week after she did. So, when her baby girl arrived, that should have been the same time I had two babies of my own. But that didn't work out.

Friend #2

My fellow PGD gal. She has a beautiful daughter who is 3 conceived naturally (how that happened is still an absolute mysery and a miracle!!) When they started trying for #2, she had no idea there was a problem until she started having miscarriage after miscarriage, some in the second trimester. They finally determined that she is a balanced translocation carrier like my husband. However, with the help of IVF and PGD, she recently brought her 2nd daughter home from the hospital and has a beautiful family of 4.

Friend #3

My friend who has been my guiding light through my entire journey - the first person I ever talked to about possible having a problem to sharing details of every cycle. She had her first baby using IVF 3 years ago and was ready for baby #2. Turns out our cycle timing was the EXACT SAME DAY. It was absolutely wonderful to have a friend literally and physically with you through the entire IVF cycle. We had back-to-back doctor's appts, we met at the lab for bloodwork and would get Starbucks before our ultrasound appointments. We were literally next door to one another during our egg retrievals and embryo transfers. Our journeys were lock-step and we dreamed of how cool it would be to go through IVF together, both get pregnant and our babies grow up together. But the journeys diverged when she got the positive pregnancy test and mine was negative. She is delivering her baby tomorrow.



I could not be happier for all three of these amazing ladies. They have been the most incredible friends I could ever ask for. But they have their families now and have to take care of their children and are moving on. They have been through their personal hell getting to where they are and they DESERVE to move on. I just keep wondering when it's going to be my turn.

Trying to Make Lemonade out of Lemons or Just Pout over my Lemons???

I constantly waiver between feeling mad, sad, bitter, jealous about our situation and then trying to be grateful for what we have. I have days where I wonder who is playing this horrible joke on us and can hardly bear the the Facebook updates stating, "Guess what? Our THIRD girl is on the way!!" GAG. I just don't understand why we are being put through hell to be able to create our family. I said to my husband the other day, "I am so damn tired of trying to see the one slice of good in a totally horrible situation." It is exhausting looking for the glimmer of hope in an otherwise completely crappy situation.

Other days, I have moments that smack me in the face and tell me I should be grateful for the things I do have. A story of a woman in her late 20's fighting breast cancer or hearing the news that one of our clients lost her husband. We could have THOSE problems - and should I just be grateful that my husband and I have jobs, a decent house, our health (aside from our reproductive challenges of course)?

I dream of the day I can look back and think of our infertility journey as a blip on the chart. It is just so all-consuming right now.

"But We're Worried about YOU"

My Mom and Dad are great. They really are. But sometimes, they totally frustrate me. Whenever I share information about my IVF cycles, they are so worried about me - what kind of long term effect the stimulation might be doing to me, concern over the egg retrieval, hate to hear if I am in any type of discomfort. I really tell them because a) I know they care; and b) they always lend an ear and provide support. But, sometimes it is so frustrating hearing, "As much as we want a grandchild, we want YOU to be safe. You are the most important thing to us." And I feel like yelling, "I understand that. And I want to feel that much love for a child someday too!"


I know they can't help it because I am their daughter and they love me, but don't they want me to be happy too?

More Waiting

I talked to my RE's office today. I can't do the frozen cycle next month. They don't want to give you estrogen right after stimulation so I have to get this period and then another one and then do transfer in November. UGH.............Life constantly on hold. So annoying!!! I feel like my babes are waiting for me in the freezer!!! We were planning to take a vacation in Nov/Dec. and now I don't feel like we can plan because my cycle is just so unpredictable. I have been determined to try and my live my life the best I can while I go through the process to try and create our family, but times like this certainly make it difficult.

One Year Anniversary - saying Goodbye to the Twins

September 21, 2009. That was the day I happily went to my OB/GYN office to check on my twins and instead found that neither of them had a heartbeat. I will never forget that day and the agonizing pain of realizing my dreams had just been ripped away. Still waiting and wondering if my twins will make their way back to me in this life on earth or if we will be reunited in heaven.

5 Normal/Balanced Blastocysts!

Woo hoo! Dr. PGD called to say that we have 5 normal/balanced blastocysts (out of 12 that were tested)....ahem, RE-tested. I am still bitter. Anyhoo, this is awesome news as I see it! So, I will talk to Dr. RE and Dr. IVF Center today and see what the gameplan is. We wait for my period to come and then start the FET protocol, which includes estrace pills three times a day for about 2 weeks and then the transfer. I think they will thaw 2 embryos and then if one or both don't make it, they thaw until they have 2. We'll transfer those 2 and then pray like crazy!!

Botched PGD Test!

So, we drive 2 hours for our supposed Embryo Transfer and about 15 min. before we arrived at the clinic I got a call from the PGD center saying that they have NO RESULTS. I wasn't prepared for that possibility. I dreaded the call saying we had no normal embryos, I hoped for the call saying we had many normal ones....but NO RESULTS???? The doctor from the PGD Center said "this has never happened before," but wouldn't that be our luck?? So, the new gameplan is to repeat the biopsy once the embryos become blastoycysts (today or tomorrow) and then re-perform the microarray PGD test and PRAY we get results the second time. To add insult to injury, we also have to freeze the embryos now because they can't stay in culture any longer and we won't have the new test results for 42 hours. So, now I have to wait a whole other cycle to transfer. UGH!!! I am so mad that these little embryos have to go through so much....not one, but TWO biopsies, freezing and thawing....how can they withstand all of that??? As if this wasn't hard enough. I am just so mad and sad and upset. My dreams of possibly having my babies in utero this weekend out the window in a flash. When talking to the PGD Center and the IVF Center and coming up with this new gameplan, I had my act together, mad, but composed, figuring out what's next, all the while my hubby in the seat next to me saying, "can you translate? I have no idea what you are talking about. All I heard was, 'this has never happened before.' " Sweet, sweet hubby. He still asks me what the chromosome "thing" is that he has. He's not into the details! But he does understand when his wife completely loses it. After I hung up the phone, that's exactly what I did. I just sobbed. I know I should be grateful we weren't given the worst news possible (that we had no healthy embryos), but you have so much hope, so much riding on this, and it is such a let down. I am realizing the futher we go in this journey that you not only deal with the given failure or roadblock or let down of that moment, but all of the past failures and challenges and have to deal with all of it - and sometimes it feels like more than I can bear.

Some Friends Rock and Some Suck C&%K

When you were getting married, did you have particular people that were just awesome? They shared in all the joys, helped you work out the details, etc. and then there were people you thought would be there for you and didn't bother to show up for the wedding? Yeah, I did.

And fertility journey has been kind of like that too. There are people I thought would be there for me and others I hardly knew at the beginning of all of this that have turned out to be the most amazing friends I could imagine.

Last week, I told one of my friends about my egg retrieval on Friday and I get this email from her on Friday that's like, "So, what are you up to this weekend? Anything fun? etc, etc" like absolutely nothing was going on. I felt like reaching through the computer and shaking her and saying, “This is only the most important thing in my life and you are oblivious!”

Then, I have this friend from high school....we were really close back in the day and have gone through periods where we talk and don't off and on…you know how it goes. Anyway, she recently emailed and asked how things were going. I told her it has been rough, the miscarriages, etc. She has a history of depression, so thought she might understand. So I get this voicemail from her that's like, "Hey! It's Beth. I don't even know if this is your phone number anymore since I haven't talked it you in For-ev-er." with this giant attitude. I'm like, "Seriously?" I just pour my heart out, divulging personal information, telling her I've been through rough times and then she cops this giant attitude like I suck for not keeping in touch??? No mention of "sorry to hear what you have been through" "would like to catch up" nothing like that, not to mention that my voicemail says my name in the greeting. Umm, hello?!! She always has been this gossip queen so I feel like she is just fishing for information to share with our old high school cronies she keeps in touch with. So now I have absolutely no desire to call her back....but I look like the jerk. It's just so frustrating. I try and tell myself that it's important to share what's going on a) so people are more aware/educated about infertility; and b) so people (that I assume care) can support me because how can they support me when they don't know what's going on?.... but it seems like everytime I share, I end up getting hurt, so it makes me want to crawl into a hole.

Did you Say 19???

I was in the Christian Family Store with my husband's grandmother "Nana" when my doctor called. We were buying a Bible for my brother-in-law and his fiance for Nana to give them as a wedding gift. I momentarily thought about quickly cutting off my cell phone, embarrassed at the loud ring in the Christian store, or what Nana would think if I had questions, but I recognized the number and had to know what was going on. So I answered. It was my RE and it was good news! He said, "We have lots of embryos. I think the lab said, '19'." I wasn't sure if I had heard correctly. "19????!" Yep - that's correct. WOO HOO!! So some of those little eggs fertilized!

Obviously just because you have good numbers doesn't guarantee anything in this process (as I have found in the past), but at least it helps you stay in the game and gives you something to feel hopeful about!

Egg Retrieval Was a Success!

22 eggs, 14 "good ones!" WOO HOO!! I knew there looked to be a lot of "black dots" on the ultrasound screen, but not all of them were full size. Hoping some of those little ones decide to fertilize! Feeling so much better after this retrieval than the last one. I think this is the first time I said my pain was "0" the first time. Didn't even take any Tylenol!

Thankful for NOT knowing

I go in for my ultrasound to see how the eggs are coming along. My doctor reads my chart from his partner's report of my weekend ultrasound and says, "He wrote that you should have 6-12 eggs ...that is a heck of a range." So, he checks things out and it turns out that he thinks I will get 12-14.

If I had known I might only have 6 eggs, I think I would have cried all weekend. Don't get me wrong - I understand some people would love to have 6...it's just when you are dealing with PGD and our odds, you need a heck of a lot more than that to make the numbers work.

Usually I want to know EVERYTHING. In this case, I'm glad I didn't know what that doctor wrote this weekend!! Not a darn thing I could do about it and I would have been a basket case!


Trigger shot tonight!! Egg retrieval on Friday!

It's All in a Name

The Infertile Farmer. I contemplated what to call this blog. I love the creative names of so many infertility blogs that I read... "Stirrup Queens," "Bottoms off and on the Table," "I Can Haz Bebe," "Wanted - One Good Embryo." Just the collection of names displays the vast array of emotions that go along with infertility. Hope and optimism, bitterness and sadness, anger, and even humor. Something that I have had the pleasure of experiencing is being a farmer and being infertile. I use the term "farmer" loosely. My husband is more of the farmer than I am and coming the 'burbs, this is new territory for me. His family has a farm. We have regular jobs, but much of our spare time is spent on the farm, taking care of the beef cattle, bailing hay, and what seems to be an endless supply of odds and ends job that come with farming. With beef cattle, we have lots of Momma cows, a few happy bulls that spend their days breeding. The purpose of the Momma Cows is to make babies. We have two groups of Momma cows - ones that have babies in the spring, and ones in the fall. So twice a year we have a vet come out to the farm and "preg check" the Momma cows. This basically entails the vet checking to see if the Momma cow is pregnant and announcing how far along she is, so we know when to expect the calf. Sometimes the vet announces, "She's open" and that means the Momma cow isn't pregnant in which case the guys usually confer and unless she has had great calves in the past or is a great cow, she is sent to town to be sold or butchered. Harsh, huh? I thought so too (and still do), but if you know the economics of farming, you soon realize you can't afford to feed cows through the winter that aren't producing any money (i.e., calves). That's a whole other discussion for another day. Point is - if you are a Bull and have bad sperm, you are going to have a very short life since the point of your entire existence is to breed cows. If you are a Momma cow and don't get pregnant, you are done too. And so when my husband and I discovered we had infertility problems, it was a bit daunting to realize we were one of those bulls/cows that would have been canned.