Amnio - deciding whether or not to have one

Decision, decisions...  I have spent much of the last 2 weeks waffling back and forth between having an amnio or not.  We had a great nuchal ultrasound at 13 weeks.  Baby looked great, very low risk for all the age-related risks (e.g, Down's, Trisomy 13, 18).  I thought if I got a good ultrasound that I would feel ok proceeding without more invasive testing.  And then I start reading stories about people who had normal ultrasounds, but their babies were born with horrible conditions.  Some lived a few days, some a few months, one as long as 3 years.  I know people feel differently about these things, but for me, if the baby had a condition not compatible with life, I would rather end things now than put myself and our whole family through that type of heartache.  That's part of the catch, though.  We can do an amnio and find there is an unbalanced chromosome situation, but if everything still looks fine on ultrasound, would I really be willing to terminate?  I am not so sure.  The doctors tell me if the baby is unbalanced, and physically looks fine, they will definitely have mental issues, but they cannot tell me how severe.  So how the heck am I supposed to make a decision??

Here is more of what I have learned in my research and what weighs in on my decision:

• Amnio miscarriage rate is no longer 1% as published is so many places.  It's more like 1 in 200- 1 in 400 and less if the doctor is experienced.  My doctor's office indiciated that they quote 1 in 500 and that is very conservative.
• My doctor's office feels that any miscarriages associated with amnios are likely because there is already an underlying infection or complications present.  They do an indepth screening and won't perform the amnio if conditions are not ideal (they even question having a cold).  
• Cost - we are able to get a discount, but even then the amnio will cost north of $1500 which we pay out of pocket.
• Peace of mind - something in my gut tells me everything is fine with this baby.  It's my head that is getting in the way - the "what if's."  One thing I would LOVE is to be able to have assurance that this baby is chromosomally normal and maybe I can learn to relax and enjoy this pregnancy.  So far, I feel very guarded and I know it's my own way of emotionally protecting myself.
• On the flip side of peace of mind, I have to ask myself how I will feel if I do miscarry as a result of this procedure.  Will I blame myself?  I honestly cannot put myself in the proper frame of mind to answer that question.  I truly don't know and every time I try and imagine it to see how I would feel, I just can't get there.  As a sidenote, you can also have complications like amniotic fluid leaking and be put on bedrest.  I cannot afford to be on bedrest for the next 6 months!
• What I will do with the results.  Many people do not choose to do amnios because they know they will not terminate regardless of the outcome.  There are others that know they won't terminate, but want to know, so they can research and be prepared for their baby's condition.  I actually read some beautiful stories about Down Syndrome babies and how their mothers felt so prepared in knowing and told the hospital staff when the baby was being delivered that this is not a sad occasion, but a wonderful, wonderful thing, and this is their baby - so they didn't want anyone being in shock or upset at delivery.  For me, I truly don't know what I will do with the results.  The only way I can see terminating is if things are REALLY messed up (way too much or way too little chromosome material) and if the ultrasound is showing there are major problems.  Outside of that, I think I will have a very difficult time.  As a sidenote, I have also contemplated the fact that I will be 17 weeks by the time we get results, which is no joke in terms of terminating at that point.  There is apparently only 1 doctor in my state that does pregnancy terminations beyond 14 weeks.  
• My doctor's opinion - the genetic counselor feels strongly that I should do it.  She had me consider the impact to my whole family (my existing 2 children) and the peace of mind I will feel if everything is ok.  I flat out asked my doctor his opinion (he is VERY busy and very skilled at what he does, but doesn't usually weigh in on decisions like this)....I could tell from his body language that he didn't feel it was necessary.  he felt that I would have either miscarried, or something would be showing wrong on the ultrasound with growth being delayed or other issues with physical development.  So, when you flat out ask the doctor, and you don't get a warm and fuzzy...then what??  

With all of that said, I am leaning toward doing it, but I am scared.  Really scared, mostly of making the wrong decision.

Riff in the Fam - need advice

Ok, so this definitely isn't an infertility related post...more like a post on toddlers and family dynamics, but this is my outlet, so here goes....

My BIL/SIL and I have kids 2 months apart from one another.  We thought this would be awesome; that all 3 cousins would be so close and instant playmates (they live nearby and our family sees a lot of each other). Instead, it has kind of turned out to be a disaster.  Their little girl is extremely outgoing.  She runs up and hugs anyone (even people she doesn't really know, which I find kind of strange).  She is happy, independent, and VERY loving and hands on.  All great qualities, but in my opinion, she can be very overbearing (e.g., she tackled me as I am trying to sit on the floor and eat lunch and it sent my plate flying).  My boys are not shy, but one in particular clams up a bit around larger groups and just wants to know where I am, or if he gets in an uncomfortable situation, he comes back to me.  My other boy is pretty outgoing and independent himself, but not nearly to the extent of his cousin.  Anyway, every time we get together, we have this awkward dynamic and it is never a positive experience.  She immediately tackles and bear hugs my boys as soon as she sees them.  They hate it, especially my quieter one and now that he is talking he says, "No hug!" and swats at her.  If one of my boys sits in a chair, she comes up and starts rocking it.  They don't want that.  They want to rock on their own.  She is constantly messing with them and they just want to be left alone.  I feel like she appears to the family as this happy, loving girl; while my boys look like they are total sticks-in-the-mud.  Her parents (my BIL/SIL) don't really try and reign her in.  Often, me and DH have to tell her to leave them alone or suggest that our kids move away if they don't like it.  It's really uncomfortable and I am not sure what to do about it.  Any thoughts/suggestions?

Infertility Never Leaves Us

I know that title isn't rocket science.  I always knew it would be a part of me, but I have to say that the last two years, raising my twin boys has been a top priority and because we weren't TTC, infertility was never at the forefront of my mind, which was a huge change given it consumed me for so many years.

A few things have happened recently that I thought we worth writing about.

1) I am in awe every day that I wake up and I am pregnant.  I am in awe that I don't have to insert progesterone suppositories, take medication and baby aspirin.  My body is just working.  And to me, that is a miracle.

2) I still detest people who get pregnant easily and have no appreciation for how difficult it is for so many people.  My SIL is apparently pregnant.  I say apparently because she has not officially announced, however, wearing belly bands, the size of her tummy, and her comments speak otherwise.  She casually drops in, "I am going to eat and drink whatever I want" as she switches from coffee to coke and a few hours later eats deli meats.  I am not going to judge (ok, maybe a little)...people can do what they feel comfortable in moderation; it's just the lack of appreciation and utter "in your face" attitude about it.

3) Seeing a baby on an ultrasound makes your heart swell and your eyes fill with tears.  I have such mixed emotions on this pregnancy - nervous, yet excited; guarded, yet hopeful.  I can't help but smile and fill with warmth and love when I see that baby and his/her little legs kick and heart beat on the ultrasound.  It is absolutely amazing.

4)  Scared, yet hopeful.  This is definitely TMI, but after being away from home and eating too much over Labor Day weekend, I was apparently constipated.  After a BM, I started bleeding bright red.  It wasn't that small of an amount, but it stopped very quickly.  The next day, same thing.  My google research says I may have a sensitive cervix.  I am also wondering if it has anything to do with the fact I had a pap smear on Friday and maybe my cervix is still not quite happy yet.  Regardless, seeing red blood when you are pregnant is never a good sign.  My boys were up and their normal full-of-energy selves.  I found myself having this sulking bad attitude full of, "this is over" and just wanted to go in my room and close the door instead of play with them.  I was also mad at myself for feeling that way.  I wondered why when just a few weeks back, I wasn't sure I was all that happy about having another child and now I am depressed about the thought of losing the baby.  I still don't understand it all; such a ball of conflicting emotions.  I do think everything is ok with the pregnancy and it was an isolated incident, but the experience showed me that I obviously really do want this to work and I am somewhat protecting myself by having an ambivalent attitude about it to this point.

Ok, nap time is over.  Just wanted to jot down those few thoughts before they escaped me.