I went over to the OB/GYN office yesterday to do all the paperwork and bloodwork, etc. My next appt. isn't until Jan. 27, which is just a physical (pap, etc.) and they will listen for fetal hearttones. Apparently if they feel the need for an ultrasound (i.e., can't find heartbeat, etc), they will schedule a subsequent appt. I'm pretty sure I will demand that they check it right then and there if that happens. Then the big nuchal translucency ultrasound is scheduled for Feb. 3rd. I am kind of disappointed that I have to wait so long to go back. I was also just really disappointed in the nurses and staff. It's hard because I really like all of the doctor's I've seen (it's relatively new to me since I moved here not long ago) and the practice comes highly recommended, but the staff just suck. They just treat you like a number and seem so clueless and disinterested about my particular situation and my history. I guess I should be thankful I am finally "normal" and being treated like everyone else, but I feel like screaming, "Do you understand what is at stake here?!! Do you have any idea what I have been through to get to this point?!!"
I have to be honest. I am pretty terrified of my next appointment and whether or not these babies will have heartbeats. I want to believe this is it. I really do. I just can't seem to escape my past and know nothing other than failure, so it's hard for me to imagine this turning out any other way. I go a day or two and do pretty well mentally and then I have a night like last night where I wonder why I'm not more tired, why I don't feel more sick, especially when I am pregnant with multiples. I try to remind myself to live for today - and today I am pregnant. I try to remember that we used PGD this time and hopefully the miscarriages were caused by the translocation the last time and we have dealt with it this time. And then I wonder if there is something else that we don't know about. There is just something so incredibly infuriating in thinking you are living a lie. That is what I felt the last time. I dutifully did my damn progesterone and other meds for WEEKS and those babies weren't alive and my body didn't tell me. It betrayed me. Something about it is just so WRONG. I just can hardly stand to think if that happens again.
I don't want to dwell on the negative and I feel like I've done that a lot, so I am sorry for that. I just want to be honest about what I am feeling and fortunately or unforunately I tend to write more when I am nervous. I am SO SO grateful to have these problems. Really, I am. I just have to get past this next milestone and hear those heartbeats again. I really feel like once I am in unchartered territory, my past will stop haunting me. Hold me to that, k?
My WORD, that seems like a long time to wait! I've heard of some IFfers calling their OBs saying that they're cramping and asking for an u/s when the uncertainty gets to be too much.
ReplyDeleteIt's (obviously) perfectly natural to be apprehensive; I don't think anyone would mistake that for ingratitude. It's also perfectly normal to have super-subtle come-and-go symptoms at this point, even with a twin pregnancy. If it all unfolds as it should, you'll have PLENTY of time to immerse yourself in the joy of it.
Here's wishing you a peaceful, reassuring time in the next few weeks! I'm abiding with you!
will your RE let you sneak in for one more u/s before the 27th? you should ask if it would make you feel more at ease.
ReplyDeleteor perhaps you could interview a 2nd OB and get a peek that way?
and in regard to becoming less nervous, i'll hold you to that. once you cross the line, things are gonna be great!
p.s. i'm not tired or sick either. i feel great actually and i'm baking two.
i can totally imagine that i would feel the same way. its so frustrating that infertility not only robs us of a 'normal' way to get pregnant, but also robs us of blissfully enjoying a pregnancy should we get to experience that.
ReplyDeleteand don't be sorry, you are just being honest :-)
keeping fingers and toes crossed for you! hugs.
I remember feeling this way with my son. And, I didn't even go through all that you have been through. You will start feeling like this pregnancy is real and you can hold onto it...when you feel the babies move around week 14-19 (I think I was week 18). But, even then...until you have a huge big belly...it's hard to believe it is happening. I know a lot of people that had NO symptoms. They will come in due time....
ReplyDeleteIn the mean time, I'm w/ VV...Go see another doctor. Why not??