3 cheers for Hubby!

My husband's aunt has a holiday party every other year. She has about 40 people for a sit down meal with about 20 courses....ok 5, but it feels like 20! It's mostly their friends and then some family, so most of the people are in their 50's-70's. So bear with me as I paint this picture. We are all called into one room and stand in a circle. My aunt then instructs everyone to go around and introduce themselves and share something they have done that year. We start around the room and hear about wonderful trips to faraway destinations from the other guests and then almost every.single.one proceeds to say how they are completely in love with their [insert number] of wonderful grandchildren who bring such joy to their lives, yadda, yadda, yadda. So as I am thinking back through the year and realize we have been NO WHERE (which is odd for us because we love to travel) and I realize it's because we never know our F'ing schedule because of stupid infertility treatments. So WTH am I gonna say?? I finally come up with my line. So we go around 3/4 of the room before it's our turn. My husband is first and guess what he says???? He said, "Well, we've spent the entire year trying to make some grandkids with no success." I was somewhat in shock, but somewhat elated. I want people to know that this shit doesn't always come easy. And then the comments came. One lovely lady yells out, "Oh, just stop trying and then it will happen." And then from the other side of the room a gentleman yells, "I can come over and help you with that!!" Bursts of laughter. It was kinda funny, I guess. I was proud though....proud of my husband for saying what we REALLY did this year, and hopefully after some of the wine wears off, maybe that little bit of information will stick with those folks in case one day one of their grandchildren have problems too.

Nada

There's absolutely nothing going on over here in terms of pregnancy symptoms. I would say with about 99% certainty that this FET didn't work. It's to the point that I wish AF would just show up so I could drink (A LOT) at the Christmas party we are supposed to attend tomorrow night.

2 Little Stockings

I love Christmastime for many reasons: the music, snuggling up in a blanket by the fire, sipping on yummy hot chocolate, reflecting on things and people I am thankful for, wrapping presents, and lots of other things. However, there are so many days that those bits of joy are overshadowed by gloom thanks to stupid infertility.

I actually think something is wrong with me because I have come to despise Christmas cards. I mean, who hates Christmas cards??? I think my middle name is Scrooge. Everyone sends these cute little cards with pictures of their perfect family and every year I am left to figure out what the heck to send. I have a friend that doesn't have kids and she puts pics of her and her husband, usually pictures from trips they took that year. I considered doing that, but to me, it just paints the perfect picture of what is NOT there - a child. Granted, I doubt anyone else would see it that way, but I do and I hate it.

I hate the fact that year after year we have our same two cheapo stockings. I had in my mind that I would order up some nice stockings from Pottery Barn when we have a child and can all have pretty matching ones with our names on them. Yeah - not happening.

I absolutely love shopping for little outfits and toys for nieces, nephews, and children of my friends, and I constantly find myself keeping that special outfit because it's so stinking cute and I want my OWN child to wear it someday.

I hate the stupid dynamics of trying to figure out if we are going to see my family or my husband's family this year and I dream of the day we can stay home and have our OWN Christmas traditions.

I feel like I have had these dreams for so long and each Christmas, I realize that another year has passed and they are not coming to fruition. I want so badly to believe that I will look back on these years as a small blip on the radar screen and chuckle to myself that I should have savored the peace and quiet of the season because now I have a house full of bustling kids up at 4am wanting to see what Santa brought. But I am scared out of my mind that that day will never come.

Head Trash

The stupid 2ww creates such head trash. The past 24 hours my brain has gone something like this....

I am now 6 days past a day 6 blastoycyst transfer. I'm pretty sure I should be feeling something by now. My boobs are huge and sore, but that's just the progesterone. I am starting to get some cramping, but I'm pretty sure that is pre-period cramps. I shouldn't think such negative thoughts. I am probably causing this not to work by thinking the worst. I should just try to have faith that this should work and wait until the very end. But who am I kidding? I know my body and my body is telling me that this didn't work. So, why should I live in a dreamland? So, if this cycle doesn't work, should we just try again next month or should we take a break? I think the center is closed in either December or January. I need to check on that. So if these embryos didn't take, I wonder if the whole "batch" was messed up and that means our other two frozen embryos won't work either - maybe they were bad eggs or too much poking and prodding from the 2 PGD biopsies and the freezing process. So, should we go through another fresh cycle if we use all of these up? No - this is ridiculous - I have done 4 egg retrievals and 3 FET's. Why are we going to continue to beat our heads against the wall and waste our hard-earned money? Maybe I should look up those adoption seminars again. No, I don't feel ready for that. I should stop feeling sorry for myself. Seriously, there are people like Elizabeth Edwards who were just told that she has WEEKS left to live. And there is my friend of a friend, who just found out her husband has been cheating on her and is caught up in some work gambling scandal and she now is getting divorced and starting over at 30. I could have these problems. So stop feeling sorry for yourself.

But, somehow none of those thoughts stop heaviness in my heart and the tears from flowing.

Progesterone Boobs

I hate progesterone. I could do a whole post about the various types of progesterone because I think I have used every one known to man and how I hate the leakage and various other things about actually having to use it. But right now, during this 2ww, I hate it because it confuses the hell out of me.

It makes my boobs feel all....what's the word....pregnant. They feel so full and heavy on top. At night, I take off my bra and for about a minute, I try and figure out if my boobs are feeling the way they do because of my push-up bra, the progesterone or if it's the first pregnancy symptoms. My first 2 IVF cycles, I DID get pregnant and so I remember how it felt. The last 2 IVF cycles, I really thought I was pregnant again because my boobs felt the same as they did when I was pregnant. What I didn't realize is that it was the progesterone talking. So now I'm all over-analyzing everything and it's driving me crazy.

I am not feeling any of the other pregnancy symptoms I had in the past and I have this pit in the bottom of my stomach with the thought that this didn't work again, but I am really trying not to think negative thoughts. I still have a week to go and am trying to keep my chin up until proven otherwise.

I love Sundaes...especially with CHERRIES ON TOP!

I want to thank my bloggy friend, KC from You Wouldn’t Even Make an Omelette with Stale Eggs for such a sweet gesture and giving me my first award!

I am new to blogging and still am fairly clueless, so bear with me…

The general guidelines are to link back to the person who awarded you, then pick five blogs to pass the award to. Just save the picture and paste it into your next post. Comment on the blogs to whom you've bestowed the award so they know they've got it.

I want to pass this award along to the following amazing ladies:

• The Baby Baker from Venting Vagina who just got a BFP with amazing beta numbers!
• Megan from Bottoms on and On a Break previously known as “Bottoms off and on the Table” who has been through tremendous heartbreak and although she hasn’t been blogging that often lately, she has some AMAZING posts that just seem to resonate with everyone.
• Running Mama from More Room in my Heart who has just suffered a BFN.
• Keya from Stolen Fertility…and my quest to find it who is currently enjoying a much deserved vacation and is in her 2ww.
• Maria from Mission: Fertile soul who is deciding her next steps and is always seems to leave the sweetest comments for others. (I just saw that Maria just received this award from someone else, so please don’t feel like you have to do double the work. I just wanted to recognize you anyway!)

2 Blasts Transferred, 2 in the Freezer

Everything went smooth at my FET yesterday, aside from the fact that my doctor was 1 HOUR late and I almost peed my pants! During that wait, I talked to the head of the IVF Center, who is such a gem. He has been just amazing through this whole process. He said they thawed 2 of the blastocysts that morning and 1 didn't do well, so they thawed a third. We ended up with 1 "good" blastocyst and 1 "fair" one. He didn't provide me numbers. He said he was very encouraged by the one and wouldn't rule the other one out. We joked that these little ones would be like Superman if they make it after all the trauma they have been through (and yep, they are both boys!) Gotta love what PGD tells you! So, we shall see. Here are the pics of my beauties. You'll notice they are hatching...part of that is because of holes that were lasered for the PGD biopsy.


On to the 2ww. My first beta isn't until 12/13. Isn't that kind of late??