Birth Story

I was a complete slacker about posting during this pregnancy.  Let's just say this pregnancy was a piece of cake compared to my pregnancy with the twins (where I had preeclampsia, horrible swelling in my legs, carpal tunnel to name a few things).  The hardest part was being so huge that the boys slid off my lap when trying to read them books (my IVF twins are 2 1/2).  I was still carrying them around at full term and going strong.  Getting in and out of bed was tedious, but not too bad, all things considered.  I stressed out because I didn't feel the baby moving a lot toward the end.  I Googled too much and my mind raced with fears about cord compression and other risks.  I worried she was breech and the doctors didn't know.  I stressed every time I got a gift that I would never have this baby and how would I return the gifts.  I never got an ultrasound after my 20 week one; quite a contrast from the twins where I got an ultrasound almost every appointment.  I was never sick and generally felt great the whole pregnancy, other than the mental fears that I don't think you ever get over after experiencing infertility.  

At 38 weeks, I was content to be pregnant.  As my due date neared, I was ready to meet my little girl and was done being pregnant.  I had more severe Braxton Hicks contractions around 39 weeks and then some cramping contractions.  Some series lasted a few hours and I sometimes wondered if "this was it."

I was scheduled for a non-stress test and cervix check at the doctor on 3/25, which was almost a week past my due date.  The night before, I began having contractions around 11pm.  My husband and I went to bed around 11:30pm and I told him, "this might be it" but also thought they might go away given that's what they had been doing.  I slept until 1or 2am and then was awoken every 15 min. with contractions.  I picked up on the regularity of them and starting timing them using an app on my phone.  Eventually, I couldn't sleep.  I went in the bathroom, painted my nails, cleaned up clothes in the closet, etc.  I took a shower around 5am and told my husband that I would be shocked if "this wasn't it."  The contractions were fairly painful, but I had a good break in between and they lasted about a minute.  I decided I would go to my regular doctor's appointment that morning and figured I would end up going to the hospital after that so I packed up all my bags and got ready to go.  My husband had an important meeting that morning and I originally thought I would drive myself, but as the time got closer to leave, I wasn't sure it was safe to drive while having contractions.  So, my husband cancelled his meeting and drove me to the doctor.  It started snowing that morning - this is the end of March on the east coast...very late for snow, but we got 4+ inches that day.  We got to the doctor and they did the non stress test, and baby looked fine and withstood the contractions fine.  The contractions seemed to slow down when I lied down. They checked my cervix and said it was still very posterior and had trouble even getting to it...thought I was maybe 1 cm at best.  I was really discouraged by that considering all the Braxton Hicks in the previous weeks and the fact I had been having contractions all night long.  My doctor said I could go to the hospital but if I didn't progress in a few hours they would send me home.  I didn't want to do that, but it was also snowing and we live 30 min. away.  We decided to go back to go home.  As we drove, it became more and more difficult to withstand the contractions in the car.  My husband would stop and I would get up and face the back of the truck.  I couldn't sit down.  I went up to my father in law's house (I couldn't go home and have the twins climbing on me) and was very tired from being up all night.  I tried to lay down, but when a contraction would hit, I had to be up.  I had to stand up and lean over and hold on the bed and just sway back and forth and breathe and count.  It was so difficult to get in and out of bed.  Also when I laid down, the contractions slowed down.  On one hand it was nice, but on the other, I knew I was just delaying things.  So, I got up.  I watched the snow fall and the cows come up to the fence (my father in law lives on a farm).  I looked at the cows and felt sorry for them, knowing they had to go through this every 9 months and if they didn't breed, they went to town.  What a tough life.  We probably got 4 inches of snow that day.  My contractions got to about 4-6 min. apart.  They were closer together, but not lasting quite as long.  I was in pretty bad pain, but didn't want to go too soon and be told the same thing; that I wasn't far enough along.  Finally, my husband said we better go.  On the way, I called the doctor's office to tell them I was coming and asked that the NP that checked me that morning be able to check me again (they wanted an apples to apples comparison).  On the way, the contractions got closer and closer together; about every 2-3 minutes.  About half way there, my husband said we aren't going to the doctor; we are going to the hospital.  I didn't disagree by that point.  My controlled breathing and counting had turned into major groans and I could feel the intensity of things picking up.  As we pulled up to the hospital, we were trying to figure out what to do with our car; it said 10 min. parking and the lot was far away. On the way, I didn't know if I had lost more of my mucous plug (which started coming out when she checked me that morning) or what had happened, but I knew I felt wet (turns out my water broke).  When we pulled up to the hospital, I told my husband to park the car and I was going to find a bathroom.  As soon as I got out of the truck, a contraction hit and I had to stop outside in the snow and get through it.  Two women came up to me and asked if I needed a wheelchair.  I told them no.  The last thing I wanted was to sit down.  The overrode me and said, "GET HER A WHEELCHAIR!"  I sat after that contraction and they took me in the lobby.  They asked if I wanted to wait for my husband.  I said yes.  Then another contraction hit and I got up.  They said, you need to go up to labor and delivery; we'll tell your husband where you are.  When we got up there, I saw my doctor and he asked if I had been back to the office since I saw him that morning.  I said I was planning to, but things progressed and thought we better come here.  They weighed me and tried to do the normal things like make me pee in a cup, get in a hospital gown, ask questions and do paperwork.  None of that happened.  I basically just took off my pants, my doctor checked me and said that I was at least 8 cm and almost complete. He felt it was really borderline about getting an epidural.  Part of me wanted to just do it with no drugs; I had come that far. but the other part felt like I didn't know if I could take much more.  I was on the fence until the next contraction hit and my husband basically said, "I think you should get it" and I agreed.  So the anesthesiologist came in and it took about 15 min. to get the epidural in.  We had to pause between contractions.  Once I had the epidural, they checked again and said it was time to push.  I didn't feel like I needed to push yet.  I still felt every contraction, but they were a little more bearable.  I think it did help with the pain I felt from delivery.  So with each contraction they told me to push.  I felt like there were a million people in the room and no one was helping me except my husband.  One nurse was telling me some things, but I had to tell them a contraction was coming and basically ask that they help me with my legs.  They were literally taking my fingerprints in between contractions and doing their computer work.  I didn't feel like I was pushing effectively, but my doctor seemed encouraged.  So I kept going.  Finally I felt the head and my doctor said you can probably deliver her on your next push.  That was the motivation I needed.  So I pushed with all my might and here she came.  I felt this amazing relief as she exited my body.  They put her up on my chest and I saw my husband cut the cord.  I was in complete awe of her.  My doctor pushed on my stomach to try and get the placenta to detach and he and my husband began telling the doctor what happened with my placenta the last time; that they had to be manually detached (it was an AWFUL experience and caused lots of blood loss the last time so we were praying it didn't happen again).  He stitched me up (level 2 laceration), while they waited, and I tried to concentrate on my baby.  Then he pushed some more and the placenta was delivered and he said it was whole.  The crowd seemed to exit and the baby was with us and one nurse getting info in the computer.  I nursed her within about 45 min. after she was born.  She got 9/10 and 10/10 on APGAR.  She weighed 7 lbs 14 oz. and was 20 inches long.  The staff seemed pretty disorganized, but I guess I put them in quite a tailspin coming in so late.  

I felt amazing compared to my delivery with the twins.  My Mom brought the boys to the hospital that night to visit.  One of my boys didn't like the hospital gown that I was wearing and the hospital bracelets and IV.  He did like the baby.  The other twin didn't want to see the baby.  It was going to take some adjusting with the boys.

I immediately felt so in love with this baby.  Everything seemed so calm, controlled.  Her little cries were the sweetest thing ever.  She nursed like a champ from the very beginning. I am usually a Type A stress case; and I felt so wonderful and relaxed with this baby.  So relieved she was here and healthy, and calm from being an "experienced" mom having done this before.  One baby versus two makes a HUGE difference.  

Will post more, but in general, I feel so incredibly blessed.  I feel like this little girl was just meant to be.  None of our embryos were girls; it wasn't in the cards, but somehow God brought her to us.  I cannot wait to see who she will become; she is bound to do amazing things.  I cannot even believe I have three beautiful children and just a few short years ago, I didn't think I would have any.  The silence in my house was deafening; now I feel like wearing earmuffs to drown out the 2 year olds racing around the house with their firetrucks and four-wheelers.   

Life is so complicated.  I still feel tremendous guilt for being "on the other side" when I know there are so many people who are struggling.  I have heard from a few people, mostly impacted by balanced translocations, saying my story gives them hope.  I am so, so glad.  That is what I want most...for people to know - I was there.  I was you.  I had all but given up.  And now I have three beautiful children.  Stay strong.  God has a plan.

She's here!!

Our perfect, little miracle baby, Brooke, made her debut on March 25th weighing 7 lbs 13 oz and 20 inches long.  I am completely in love.  Birth story and more to come...

Amnio normal...23 week update

I never got a call from my doctor's office the week after my amnio as expected, so that Friday (exactly 1 week later), I decided to call.  The woman with whom I was supposed to talk was out of the office, so I figured I would have to wait out a long weekend until Monday to hear anything.  However, she called back on her day off and told me they had preliminary results that were normal and the baby doesn't even have the balanced translocation that my husband has.  Completely normal.  HUGE sigh of relief and awe in amazement that this is even possible!!  She explained they didn't have quite enough results to call them final though.  So, on Monday I called back, and nothing...Tuesday nothing, finally Wednesday they said everything was final!  Those were a long few days. I think the final actually came on Monday but there was some miscommunication.  Also, I kept asking to confirm if the baby was a girl and my conversation  kept getting interrupted/sidetracked, so I anxiously awaited the results in the mail to see that "XX."  Finally, 3 weeks later, it came!

I had my 22 week ultrasound last week and everything is on track and baby is looking great - just measuring a few days behind my due date.

I had a wonderful friend (who has 2 beautiful girls) give me all her little girl clothes and crib bedding.  Seeing those adorable, tiny pink outfits is just amazing and exciting!

I had one of my first moments that completely caught me off guard shortly after my amnio.  I was driving by the local ballet studio and standing outside were all these little girls in their leotards and tights.  I had a pit in my throat and my eyes filled with tears.  Being a dancer and gymnast growing up, and knowing I was only having boys, I never thought I would have a daughter who I could possibly take to dance class.  Gulp!  So, so special beyond words.  That being said, I'm sure she'll want nothing to do with dance!  : )

I am still overhwhelmed at the thought of three kids.  I am utterly exhausted at the end of the day with my two 2 year-olds and I pray to God I will have the patience to be a good Mommy to them and my baby girl.  I can tell my patience and temperament toward them (and my husband) are so much worse when I don't get enough sleep, so I can only imagine how the first few months will be. That being said, I am in complete amazement every day that my body is actually working, that my husband and I were able to make this baby without any assistance, and just feel God must have wanted this for our family.  I am nervous about the short run, but so excited for the dynamic of having 3 little children...2 that I gave every ounce of blood, sweat and tears (and money) that I didn't think I have to bring into this world, and this special little girl who is a complete miracle.  Feeling so grateful, and though I don't think anyone is reading this blog anymore, if you are and you are still fighting the fight, hang in there.  Breathe, take the time you need, but dig deep and fight if you heart is telling you to continue.  I truly believe in miracles...and I can tell you that if you hit the re-wind button on my story, I didn't think I would have ANY kids, nevermind be buying a minivan for 3!  I heard these stories, but never thought I would be one of them "on the other side," but here I am.  It is possible.

Amnio update (and IT'S A GIRL!)

So, I did it.  I had the amnio this morning.  And I found out that the baby is likely a girl!  I never thought I would have a girl...all our "normal" embryos were boys, so this is exciting!

The amnio was actually much less painful than I was expecting.  The doctor was cool and calm (a little too relaxed), but that helped me to be calm.  I watched the baby on the screen and could see the needle inside my stomach.  As a sidenote - I was surprised at how high up on my stomach he inserted the needle.  It was less than an inch below my belly button (I guess my uterus is up that high already?!)  The needle going through my stomach didn't hurt hardly at all (probably less than a blood draw), but once it went through my uterus, there was some pressure.  I could feel some pressure as he extracted the fluid and it wasn't necessarily painful, just uncomfortable, and kind of "ok, let's get this thing out of my stomach" kinda  feeling.  Afterwards, I had to get a RhoGAM shot because I am Rh negative.

Hubby and I still had/have mixed feelings about the whole thing.  We have a great chance that the baby is either balanced or a non-carrier, so we kept asking ourselves why the heck are we doing this?  I guess it comes down to the fact that we don't know for sure and we have been on the wrong side of statistics throughout our entire journey.  So, we closed our eyes and jumped.

So far so good.  I do feel like I may be leaking a little fluid (underwear feels damp), but no big gushes and no cramps that they warned of.  Fingers crossed everything is back to complete normal very soon.

And now the waiting game begins.  I am in the middle of potty training my 2 year olds so that has kept me very busy (and tired) so hoping they will help the time pass more quickly until we get results.  7-10 days...tick tock...

Amnio - deciding whether or not to have one

Decision, decisions...  I have spent much of the last 2 weeks waffling back and forth between having an amnio or not.  We had a great nuchal ultrasound at 13 weeks.  Baby looked great, very low risk for all the age-related risks (e.g, Down's, Trisomy 13, 18).  I thought if I got a good ultrasound that I would feel ok proceeding without more invasive testing.  And then I start reading stories about people who had normal ultrasounds, but their babies were born with horrible conditions.  Some lived a few days, some a few months, one as long as 3 years.  I know people feel differently about these things, but for me, if the baby had a condition not compatible with life, I would rather end things now than put myself and our whole family through that type of heartache.  That's part of the catch, though.  We can do an amnio and find there is an unbalanced chromosome situation, but if everything still looks fine on ultrasound, would I really be willing to terminate?  I am not so sure.  The doctors tell me if the baby is unbalanced, and physically looks fine, they will definitely have mental issues, but they cannot tell me how severe.  So how the heck am I supposed to make a decision??

Here is more of what I have learned in my research and what weighs in on my decision:

• Amnio miscarriage rate is no longer 1% as published is so many places.  It's more like 1 in 200- 1 in 400 and less if the doctor is experienced.  My doctor's office indiciated that they quote 1 in 500 and that is very conservative.
• My doctor's office feels that any miscarriages associated with amnios are likely because there is already an underlying infection or complications present.  They do an indepth screening and won't perform the amnio if conditions are not ideal (they even question having a cold).  
• Cost - we are able to get a discount, but even then the amnio will cost north of $1500 which we pay out of pocket.
• Peace of mind - something in my gut tells me everything is fine with this baby.  It's my head that is getting in the way - the "what if's."  One thing I would LOVE is to be able to have assurance that this baby is chromosomally normal and maybe I can learn to relax and enjoy this pregnancy.  So far, I feel very guarded and I know it's my own way of emotionally protecting myself.
• On the flip side of peace of mind, I have to ask myself how I will feel if I do miscarry as a result of this procedure.  Will I blame myself?  I honestly cannot put myself in the proper frame of mind to answer that question.  I truly don't know and every time I try and imagine it to see how I would feel, I just can't get there.  As a sidenote, you can also have complications like amniotic fluid leaking and be put on bedrest.  I cannot afford to be on bedrest for the next 6 months!
• What I will do with the results.  Many people do not choose to do amnios because they know they will not terminate regardless of the outcome.  There are others that know they won't terminate, but want to know, so they can research and be prepared for their baby's condition.  I actually read some beautiful stories about Down Syndrome babies and how their mothers felt so prepared in knowing and told the hospital staff when the baby was being delivered that this is not a sad occasion, but a wonderful, wonderful thing, and this is their baby - so they didn't want anyone being in shock or upset at delivery.  For me, I truly don't know what I will do with the results.  The only way I can see terminating is if things are REALLY messed up (way too much or way too little chromosome material) and if the ultrasound is showing there are major problems.  Outside of that, I think I will have a very difficult time.  As a sidenote, I have also contemplated the fact that I will be 17 weeks by the time we get results, which is no joke in terms of terminating at that point.  There is apparently only 1 doctor in my state that does pregnancy terminations beyond 14 weeks.  
• My doctor's opinion - the genetic counselor feels strongly that I should do it.  She had me consider the impact to my whole family (my existing 2 children) and the peace of mind I will feel if everything is ok.  I flat out asked my doctor his opinion (he is VERY busy and very skilled at what he does, but doesn't usually weigh in on decisions like this)....I could tell from his body language that he didn't feel it was necessary.  he felt that I would have either miscarried, or something would be showing wrong on the ultrasound with growth being delayed or other issues with physical development.  So, when you flat out ask the doctor, and you don't get a warm and fuzzy...then what??  

With all of that said, I am leaning toward doing it, but I am scared.  Really scared, mostly of making the wrong decision.

Riff in the Fam - need advice

Ok, so this definitely isn't an infertility related post...more like a post on toddlers and family dynamics, but this is my outlet, so here goes....

My BIL/SIL and I have kids 2 months apart from one another.  We thought this would be awesome; that all 3 cousins would be so close and instant playmates (they live nearby and our family sees a lot of each other). Instead, it has kind of turned out to be a disaster.  Their little girl is extremely outgoing.  She runs up and hugs anyone (even people she doesn't really know, which I find kind of strange).  She is happy, independent, and VERY loving and hands on.  All great qualities, but in my opinion, she can be very overbearing (e.g., she tackled me as I am trying to sit on the floor and eat lunch and it sent my plate flying).  My boys are not shy, but one in particular clams up a bit around larger groups and just wants to know where I am, or if he gets in an uncomfortable situation, he comes back to me.  My other boy is pretty outgoing and independent himself, but not nearly to the extent of his cousin.  Anyway, every time we get together, we have this awkward dynamic and it is never a positive experience.  She immediately tackles and bear hugs my boys as soon as she sees them.  They hate it, especially my quieter one and now that he is talking he says, "No hug!" and swats at her.  If one of my boys sits in a chair, she comes up and starts rocking it.  They don't want that.  They want to rock on their own.  She is constantly messing with them and they just want to be left alone.  I feel like she appears to the family as this happy, loving girl; while my boys look like they are total sticks-in-the-mud.  Her parents (my BIL/SIL) don't really try and reign her in.  Often, me and DH have to tell her to leave them alone or suggest that our kids move away if they don't like it.  It's really uncomfortable and I am not sure what to do about it.  Any thoughts/suggestions?

Infertility Never Leaves Us

I know that title isn't rocket science.  I always knew it would be a part of me, but I have to say that the last two years, raising my twin boys has been a top priority and because we weren't TTC, infertility was never at the forefront of my mind, which was a huge change given it consumed me for so many years.

A few things have happened recently that I thought we worth writing about.

1) I am in awe every day that I wake up and I am pregnant.  I am in awe that I don't have to insert progesterone suppositories, take medication and baby aspirin.  My body is just working.  And to me, that is a miracle.

2) I still detest people who get pregnant easily and have no appreciation for how difficult it is for so many people.  My SIL is apparently pregnant.  I say apparently because she has not officially announced, however, wearing belly bands, the size of her tummy, and her comments speak otherwise.  She casually drops in, "I am going to eat and drink whatever I want" as she switches from coffee to coke and a few hours later eats deli meats.  I am not going to judge (ok, maybe a little)...people can do what they feel comfortable in moderation; it's just the lack of appreciation and utter "in your face" attitude about it.

3) Seeing a baby on an ultrasound makes your heart swell and your eyes fill with tears.  I have such mixed emotions on this pregnancy - nervous, yet excited; guarded, yet hopeful.  I can't help but smile and fill with warmth and love when I see that baby and his/her little legs kick and heart beat on the ultrasound.  It is absolutely amazing.

4)  Scared, yet hopeful.  This is definitely TMI, but after being away from home and eating too much over Labor Day weekend, I was apparently constipated.  After a BM, I started bleeding bright red.  It wasn't that small of an amount, but it stopped very quickly.  The next day, same thing.  My google research says I may have a sensitive cervix.  I am also wondering if it has anything to do with the fact I had a pap smear on Friday and maybe my cervix is still not quite happy yet.  Regardless, seeing red blood when you are pregnant is never a good sign.  My boys were up and their normal full-of-energy selves.  I found myself having this sulking bad attitude full of, "this is over" and just wanted to go in my room and close the door instead of play with them.  I was also mad at myself for feeling that way.  I wondered why when just a few weeks back, I wasn't sure I was all that happy about having another child and now I am depressed about the thought of losing the baby.  I still don't understand it all; such a ball of conflicting emotions.  I do think everything is ok with the pregnancy and it was an isolated incident, but the experience showed me that I obviously really do want this to work and I am somewhat protecting myself by having an ambivalent attitude about it to this point.

Ok, nap time is over.  Just wanted to jot down those few thoughts before they escaped me.

First OB visit

I went to the OB today to "confirm" the pregnancy.  Surprisingly they were able to squeeze me in for a dating scan to see how far along I am since I really wasn't sure.  I was guessing between 6 and 9 weeks and it turned out I was 8 weeks and 5 days.  The baby looked great and it was amazing how much of a baby he/she already looked like.  Despite being in those stirrups more times than I care to remember, I was shaking uncontrollably.  The image of my first set of twins with no heartbeats is forever etched in my memory and I think subconsciously I was expecting the worst.

I can feel myself vacillating between being excited and being guarded because we have so many decisions to make and so much to overcome still.  I spoke with my OB about my options for prenatal screening.  He was light on details and referred me to a perinatologist and a genetic counselor with whom I have already met.  Considering the translocation and my "advanced" maternal age at 35, I have to figure out which tests are right for us.  I was originally thinking to skip the nuchal translucency u/s and go straight to a CVS for a definite answer on the chromosomes, but I spoke to the genetic counselor today and she told me a couple of things:
1) their center no longer does CVS'.  They refer to somewhere that does over 1000/year.
2) They do amnios at 16.5 weeks (earlier than I expected).
3) They can see things on a nuchal ultrasound that a CVS won't tell them (e.g., structural issues, etc).
4) She indicated that CVS results can take some time to get back, whereas they can get amnio preliminary results very quickly.

She recommended I come in for a nuchal ultrasound and then if there is a problem, they would recommend proceeding with a CVS.  Otherwise, I could decide if I want a definite answer and they could do an amnio a few weeks later.  I still would rather know sooner than later, but the doctor comes HIGHLY recommended by everyone in the area (in fact, it's almost impossible to get in), they know my history, and their logic seemed to make sense so I think this is the gameplan for now.

I came home from my doctor's appointment to my two boys yelling, "MOMMY!" and wondered how they would handle it if they were no longer the center of attention and how in the world I was going manage them and a newborn.  I still feel overwhelmed at the thought of it, but I know that should things work out, that we will figure out a way and that we are OVERLY blessed to have the family we do.  Things happen for a reason and I know it will work out the way it is supposed to.

As a sidenote - I have no idea how I am going to hide my belly.  At not even 9 weeks I am bigger than I was my first pregnancy at like 15 weeks and that was twins!

Murphy's Law - I'm Pregnant

I am apparently pregnant.  At least according to the 2 dollar store sticks I peed on.  It says it takes 2-10 minutes for results to show and that sucker shined the most convincing + sign at me in about 3 seconds flat.

I am having a really hard time processing all my emotions right now.  We have 2 beautiful twin boys who recently turned 2.  We have 2 embryos in the freezer that have already undergone PGD and we know are chromosomally normal.  When I started the IVF process, I understood that you need lots of embryos and hopefully through the statistics (and God willing) that one (or more) would work.  I was "ok" with the fact that not all of the embryos would turn into babies and we may not need all of the embryos to make our family.  But for some reason, now that my two little peanuts are here on earth and I know they started in that very same place as those 2 frozen embryos (in fact it was the same IVF round and the embryologist just happened to pick my boys to transfer that day.  It could have been the other two).  Anyway, I just feel like they could be my babies waiting there for me.  I have contemplated embryo donation and giving them to research and I just can't seem to get there.  BUT....I kind of always wanted 2 kids.  My husband and I are pretty content with our little family.  So, when the annual fee for embryo storage came, it prompted this discussion and I think we basically had decided we'll wait for now, but maybe in another year, we'll feel like we are ready.  I have also considered transferring just one embryo (because twins are tough!) but I know I will have the same feeling that I need to go back for the last one at some point and I don't want to be well into my 40's by the time this is all done.

So, then came our surprise.  My period hasn't shown up in a while.  Not totally strange because my cycles are wacky anyway.  But, it started feeling like a really long time.  Then, I started having some weird stuff going on...feeling nauseous after eating, not really into my morning coffee, feeling pressure in my diaphragm, and my pooch belly which seemed even more prominent (I still haven't totally gotten my stomach back to pre-pregnancy days).  I started thinking, "Could I be pregnant?"  But I reminded myself that my husband and I don't have sex all that often and even when we do, I know where in my cycle I am and usually try and play it safe.  And yes - I am the idiot that told the doctor after having my twins that I don't need birth control because we tried for 4 years and my husband has no normal sperm and my cycles are wacked and there is not a chance in hell that I am getting pregnant.  INSERT FOOT INTO MOUTH.

So, I finally decided to take the plunge yesterday and used an expired pregnancy test at home and the thing immediately turned positive.  I think I stared at it and read the directions 3 times over to make sure I really understood the test result versus the control area.  I knew what I saw.  Today, I went by the store and bought a new test and yep, confirmed - positive.

So I am that girl that could not get pregnant to save her life and now, I am the girl that wasn't on birth control and oops - got knocked up and have no idea how far along I am.  I heard these stories...I did...getting pregnant on your own after years of infertility, but I was not going to be one of them.  My husband and I are total fertile failures.

I am feeling really overwhelmed for so many reasons.  I know that with my husband's balanced translocation, there is a fairly high probability that I could miscarry.  I also know that I am pregnant until proven otherwise.

I also know that I dropped the maternity coverage on my health insurance and have no maternity coverage.  Awesome planning.

I know I sound bitter and probably like a complete bitch to be complaining on an infertility blog that I am pregnant.  And I do have to admit that I have this flutter of giddy-up that my husband and I actually got pregnant on our own.  Holy shit - we really did it!!  And the smile I can't wipe off my face thinking about little boy and girl names and cuddling a newborn again.  But I am also feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of caring for a third baby, having to pay for medical expenses out of pocket, buy a new car to fit our family and the realization that I might have 2 more babies waiting for me.  I never, ever envisioned myself as a mom of 5!!!

I actually was kind of looking forward to going back to work full time and regaining some of "me" sometime soon.  I love being a Mommy, but I feel like that is all I am anymore.  Being in the financial services industry, I also know how incredibly expensive children are and trying to pay for their college is almost unaffordable these days, but it's something my parents did for me and something I had hoped to give my children.

So, now being the irresponsible person that I am - I guess I have to call the doctor and tell them I am knocked up.  I don't even know the process for a normal pregnancy.

Why does life have to be so complicated?

Yep, I'm still alive!!

I have been HORRIBLE about blogging.  I never in a million years thought I would be one of those people that just wouldn't have time after my babies arrived, but yep - I am.  My twin boys are 17 months now and they are so much fun.  The three biggest takeaways I have had since these guys have been born are:

1. Infertility was stressful on marriage, but having children has been way harder for us.  My DH and I have always had a great relationship, and actually were as close as can be through the years of infertility. I can honestly say that since the babies have been born, this is the worst our relationship has ever been.  Sad, I know.  I guess it's mostly my fault.  I find myself being resentful he is never home, never spending time with us, always too busy.   I never do anything for myself (which is probably my fault I don't get a sitter).  Then when I get upset and he actually makes the effort, I snip at him for every little thing he isn't doing correctly.  I know I shouldn't, but stress and lack of sleep make me seriously moody.
2. Kids are HARD WORK.  Now that isn't a surprise, and I was warned that "your life will never be the same," but man - I didn't think it would be quite this hard!  
3. It is impossible to imagine how much you will love and give for your child(ren) until you experience it.  It is greater than anything imaginable.

Here are my little fellas. As I was walking through Costco this weekend a woman looked at the boys and said to me, "Ma'am, you are so blessed, so very blessed."  It made me pause.  I am used to the "aww, they are so cute" comments," but "BLESSED..."  Indeed, I am. 

7 Months

Oh my! Where does the time go?! I am so delinquent in posting. My boys are doing great! They have changed so much in the last month or so. They are sitting up on their own, on all fours and rocking back and forth (close to crawling), getting their 2 bottom teeth, and eating solids. They are about 15 lbs. Baby B finally passed Baby A in weight at their last doctor's appointment. He feels so much heavier, but they always weighed and measured about the same. They are only in the 5th percentile still. I am little worried about them being small, but hopefully my little muchkins will catch up at some point.

Baby B looks just like my husband. He continues to do everything first. He is 100% on or off and is totally Mr. Independent. He plays hard and sleeps hard. He is so demanding about his food. He wants it NOW!! He LOVES solids...making "mmmmm" sounds the whole time he is eating. So funny! He is so close to crawling....I put toys out in front of his and he can get on his hands and knees and lunge forward on his belly and then get back up and lunge again. He does this for about 3 feet until he gets his toy. Such a determined little fella!! He rolls and grunts his way to whatever he wants. We call him "tumbleweed" because he just plows down whatever is in his path!

Baby A looks like me. He is my little sweetie. He laughs so easily and is so good natured. He is content to sit and watch his brother explore. He is sitting on his own and getting on all 4's, but not crawling just yet. He likes his food, but isn't quite as obsessed like his brother! He has been talking so much lately. I call it singing because it's like he is hitting a note saying, "AHHHHHHHHH!" It is so funny. He has his favorite toys and lights up when he sees his little Monkey friend. He LOVES electronics. He always wants to see my phone and gasps at the monitor if I am watching his brother taking a nap.

I started going back to work 2 days a week when they turned 6 months old....in fact on the very day they turned 6 months old, which made me feel so guilty. But, the time at work has been good. I love my babies to death, but I was getting a little burned out. It is 24 x 7 x 365. The weekends aren't the weekends....they are more of the same. And while I love spending time with them, IT.IS.EXHAUSTING. Whoever said being a Mom is the hardest job in the world was definitely spot on. I am so lucky because my Mom has been watching the boys on the days I go in to the office. Leaving them with my Mom and having peace of mind is worth so much!

I am still pumping and feeding breastmilk and even to my surprise, I am still keeping up with them. However, I have had a major challenge with the breastmilk....I just discovered that my breastmilk may have too much lipase which is causing it to sour more quickly. I will do a separate post on this in case any of you ever have to deal with this. Long story short, is that I now have to scald my milk after pumping to keep it from going "bad." So, another step in the process, which is time consuming, but I feel like I am giving my babies the best nutrition possible and keeping them from getting sick, so it's worth it.

That's about it from here!

Hope

When I started having trouble conceiving I knew of one acquaintance who had gone through fertility treatments and had a daughter using IVF. I'm not even sure I knew what IVF was at that time! ha! Anyway, over the last 3 years she has become one of my closest friends. She gave me this pillow that says "Hope" on it early in my journey. I hung it on my closet door. Every morning and evening I passed that pillow. Sometimes it gave me that extra boost I needed, sometimes a reinforcement of optimism I was feeling, sometimes I wanted to punch that pillow as I thought, "Hope! What a joke!" during a low point. Now that pillow hangs on the closet of my twins' nursery. Every time I put them down to bed or for a nap I see it and smile. I am so grateful for this gentle reminder to always have hope.

Separate Rooms

When I was pregnant I was sure I wanted my twins either in the same crib or in separate cribs, but in the same room. I read so much about how they had this bond from being in the womb together and how they comforted each other. I don't know if it's just my guys, and it's actually kind of hard to say, but they don't really care all that much about each other. In fact, it wasn't until about a month ago that they even acknowledged each other's existence. Now they will watch each other and smile at one another, but they would still much prefer to interact with adults. Anyway, I have had them in separate cribs, but the same room for quite some time. We got through sleep training (along with some crying), but toughed it out in one room. Everything I read said they will sleep through each other crying. That was true SOME of the time. I truly believe they go through sleep cycles and when they are in a deep sleep, yes, they will sleep through some crazy crying. However, if they are in a light sleep or on the verge of waking up and the other is fussing, they are done. Anyway, the latest challenge is that one of the boys has learned to roll over. Instead of sleeping during naps, he is practicing his new "skill." And he was disturbing his brother. As I began thinking about it, I realized that it is always going to be something. Soon the other one will start rolling, then they will start pulling up, and heaven forbid when they start talking to each other instead of sleeping! After lots of agonizing, I finally decided to separate them into different rooms this week. So far, it seems to be much better for both of them, but there is a part of me that feels sad or guilty or something....like I am breaking a twin bond. I guess I wanted to believe they would have that bond, that need to be together, but I never saw it. Everyone seems to sleep better when they are in different rooms, so I guess we'll go with that for now. I can always put them back together, right?

The Drill Sergeant

So, apparently this is my new nickname given by my husband. He says it in good humor, referring to my over-the-top scheduling ways. In all seriousness, this is something I am struggling with. I read lots of books while pregnant and I had planned to keep the boys on a schedule, but not be too rigid. But I am starting to question the "not too rigid" part. I basically follow this routine every day: they wake up at 6:30am, eat, play for 1 hour (or as long as they can tolerate), take a nap and then we start over 3 hours later with the same feed-play-nap routine (based on the book Baby Wise). For the most part, it has worked well. The boys nap in their cribs and know when we go into their room and it's dark it means sleepy time. There are a few challenges with this. 1) it creates 4 naps a day which I have to work around; and 2) they are so used to their schedule and routine that when I want to take them somewhere, they aren't quite sure what's going on. I want to be able to go visit friends 2 hours away, go to restaurants, do some of the things that I enjoyed, but it always seems like too much trouble and I feel like I'm messing them up, so I tend to kind of be a "homebody." I have tried to go places and have them sleep in their pack n' play. Most of the time it has been a huge failure (partially because I think one pack n' play is too small for them and it's such close quarters among two noisy sleepers), but mostly they look around like, "where the heck am I?" On Christmas Eve, one of my guys decided to go into a 45 minute scream fest. I have not seen him do that since he was like 2 months old. I still don't really know what caused it. I think the combination of being somewhere weird, overstimulation (a thousand gifts/decorations), tired (it was the witching hour afterall). Bottom line is that I was seriously ready to pack my bags and leave. He was miserable, I was miserable and I'm pretty sure no one wanted to listen to that screaming during Christmas Eve dinner. So what I am getting at is that for the 90% of the time when we are home, having a structured schedule/routine works well. It's the 10% I am struggling with when I actually want to go out in the world. I kind of feel like the only way to make them more "adaptable" is to get them out more, but there is a part of me that thinks it's just not worth the headache and that pretty soon they will only be having 2-3 naps a day and can tolerate staying up longer, so just wait it out and it will get easier as they get older. What do you think? Does it get easier? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Quick Update

I am so terribly delinquent in posting. Here is a quick update in bullet form:

• Babies are almost 5 months old. They weigh about 13 lbs each and are still pretty small for their age (about the 5th percentile). I hope they aren't little runts forever!


• I am still at home, but planning to go back to work 2 days/week at the end of January. I have mixed feelings about it, but ultimately I think it will be good for me and for the babies.


• I am still pumping up a storm. I have enough milk for the babies, who are eating 5-6 oz. 5 times a day. I am freezing about 16 oz. extra a day.


• My Mom is still here helping out, but goes home on the weekends.


• Things with hubby aren't perfect, but MUCH better than before. Thanks to everyone for their tips and advice. It was so helpful and so nice to feel not alone in my experiences.


• Sleep Training was the best thing I ever did. Hearing them cry for the few days it took was hard, but getting rest has been PRICELESS.


• One of my babies has eczema...it's been our first real challenge. I am trying various creams, oils, etc. and it seems to be improving a little bit, but still working on it after about a month.


• My guys are SO different from one another, both in looks and personalities. One is independent, the other wants to be held and cuddled. One is loud and talkative, the other not so much.

Hmmm, that's all I can think of at the moment. Everyone says how life will never be the same. Boy are they right! It's been a wild ride so far, but I can't even imagine life without my little guys now.

One Year Ago

What a difference a year makes! The last month or so has been surreal watching the "anniversary" dates on the calendar...the date of our embryo transfer, the date of our positive beta and now Christmas Eve is approaching and it is the date we drove to our RE's office and saw our babies' heartbeats on the monitor for the first time. It was so quiet and calm that day, very few people on the roads that morning, the doctor's office/hospital so still and quiet. All was calm and we saw two little blinking lights on the ultrasound monitor. Our two little shining stars. It also happens to be the day I first puked after church service that night! LOL! The dates bring back the flurry of emotions...how terrified I was, how I wanted to be hopeful, but could barely let myself, how I wanted to adore the Christmas cards we received with these picture perfect families but I still resented them, how I desperately wanted more than 2 stockings hanging from our mantle. The list goes on. The feelings overwhelming. And when I look at my two little guys sitting here, almost 5 months old, it is completely surreal. I just never believed this day would come.

Life after Babies

For years, I had images of our perfect little family. Once I was pregnant I knew we were close to achieving that. Now that the babies are here, I'm not sure how realistic I was being. Someday we may get there and be this picture perfect family of four with a mom and dad that love each other like crazy and these healthy, well behaved, well adjusted kids.... the whole 9 yards. For now that picture perfect family is just a dream.

I know I should be posting about how everything is just roses and how I am so in love with my little miracles (which I totally am and for the record completely exceed my expectations for their portion of our picture perfect family), but I want to take just a minute to say THIS IS FREAKING HARD.

I am tired. Physically and emotionally. This job is 24 x 7 and I am awake for about 20 of those 24 hours! The moments when both babies are crying and I only have one set of arms. I have had a few days where I just cry while they are crying. I long for a shower that lasts more than 2 minutes. I want to exercise to get rid of this untoned belly, but that time (and energy) doesn't exist. I want a hot cup of REAL CAFFEINATED coffee, and to drink it while it's hot! Those are some small things. The bigger thing is me and my husband.

We have been through a lot together and always had an amazing relationship, infertility and all; but these past few months have been rough. I basically don't see him through the week. He gets home from work at 6ish, we scramble around trying to eat ourselves and feed the boys and put them to bed and then I am in bed by 8pm. Then I pass him in the morning, as I am stumbling around getting bottles ready, looking like a complete zombie from being up all night and he is rested, fresh, in his suit, going to work with coffee in hand. There is a part of me that is jealous he gets to go out in the world and do whatever the hell he wants. There is a part of me that feels trapped here in my house, trapped to a breast pump 4 hours a day. I don't feel like he understands my life and I don't understand his. We don't have time to talk about it - or time to talk period.

Additionally, my Mom has been staying with us since the boys were born. I am so thankful for her help and the sleep I am able to get because she is here (and that hubby sleeps all night because she is here). Not that I should complain one bit, but I think it somewhat adds to the dysfunction of my husband and I to have someone else in the house all the time. She goes to see my dad on weekends, and that is my small little insight of what it is like as a family of 4. Those days we feel more like a normal couple, but he still has a million projects to do - cut the grass, fix things around the house, visit his grandmother, etc. I want him to just help me and hang out with the boys. I can tell he is totally in "provider" mode and feels like he has to make the money, fix things, even grocery shop and clean sometimes and while I totally appreciate all he is doing, I just want my husband back and not to feel so alone in this process.

I am guessing that much of my feelings have to do with sleep deprivation and hopefully as the boys get older, this mama will get some more sleep. I just hope that my picture perfect family is still in the cards and more importantly that we can be a great mom and dad to these boys. I just want to feel well again...not like this zombie woman who stumbles around the house all day and resents her husband for going out into the world. I feel guilty even posting this because I know there are so many people that LONG for these problems. I did too. I just needed to get this off my chest and since the primary purpose of this blog is for me to remember, that's what I am doing.

3 months

Where does the time go?? Everyone has Halloween decorations and fall mums...heck it's even SNOWING here tonight...and I feel like it should still be July. I now fully understand what people say when they say the beginning was just a blur!

My little guys are doing great. They were 3 months old this week and are weighing about 11.5 lbs. They are smiling, cooing, holding objects and keeping this mama very tired. We are doing better in the sleep department, but still have a ways to go. I am going to do a whole separate post on sleep training.

I am still pumping and feeding breastmilk (about 4 oz every 3 hours)...and freezing a ton extra. I have filled boxes in my father in law's deep freezer. It's kind of insane what your body can do when it actually works RIGHT....something I haven't been used to for a very long time!!

I recently sent my RE that "Thank you" note....the one with pictures of my little miracles to be posted on his wall. I dreamed of sending that picture and note for so long. In fact, I thought about sending him a thank you note my entire pregnancy, but I was never fully convinced that I was in fact going to have real, live babies. I felt like it would jinx me so I never did. It felt amazing to put that picture and note in the mail. I often wondered how the staff at my RE clinic were able to live in infertility hell day in and day out. A few years was more than enough for me! But then I thought about getting those pictures and reading those success stories....every one has to start by saying "I don't know how to thank you for giving me the baby of my dreams." Talk about fulfilling work and making a difference! Wow! So I guess those successes must be the fuel that keeps them going.

The Perfect Storm

The last few weeks have been the "perfect storm" literally and figuratively! We had an earthquake, moved houses...during a hurricane, I was sick with a fever, my computer crashed, and the boys were going through a growth spurt and wanted to eat every 1.5 hours! It has been a wild ride and we are still recovering, so apologies for not posting for so long.

The good news is that the boys are doing great. They are getting so big. At their 5 week check up they were up to 8 lbs each. That's pretty good considering they were just under 5 lbs when they were born.


Some things we are working on...

Breastfeeding - I don't know why, but we never got good at this. Matthew can latch well and seems to drink, but putters out after about 10 min. I think he hasn't gotten enough, so offer him a bottle and then will practically drink a whole bottle, which makes me feel so discouraged. Ryan and I have had a hard time latching. It takes 10-20 attempts, usually we finally get it, but he is so frustrated and I feel awful. So the end result is that I am primarily pumping and bottle feeding milk to them. I do try to nurse them once a day just to leave that door open and I really need to get my act together and go see a lactation consultant. My goal was to tandem breastfeed (seemed to be the most efficient way of doing things), but I can even get one to nurse a complete feeding. I have also had major issues with plugged ducts. I had heard of them, as well as mastitis, but I never imagined I would get them like every other day. I was spending an hour soaking in a bath every day and massaging my boobs, and then I got good at finding them. This is probably TMI, but basically I can eventually see a little white spot on my nipple and I have to squeeze it, almost like popping a pimple. Out comes a little white hardened milk, just about the size of the grain of sand and usually Niagara Falls erupts behind it because the milk was so backed up! It is pretty comical to see milk just spray out of my boobs and me try and catch it in a bottle!

So that's the boob story...

Sleep - that has been another challenge. When the boys came home from the hospital they were eating every 3 hours. Then a growth spurt hit and they wanted to eat every 1.5 - 2.5 hours. By the time you feed, change, pump, wash bottles, prep new bottles, it's time to start all over again. After a few weeks of that I finally decided about 4-5 days ago I was done with that and we are working on stretching out feedings and feeding more at each one. Now we are back to 2-3 hrs during the day and about 3 hours at night, although last night we got our first 4.5 hour stretch (pure bliss!!) We have always tried to keep them on the same schedule because otherwise you feed non-stop, but while we have been working on stretching feedings, I have let each one go as long as they can to try and encourage the right behavior and not feed just because their brother is hungry.


A couple of random thoughts...

• I am shocked that the boys seem oblivious of each other. Everything I read said they wanted to be together (same crib, etc.) from the beginning. These guys don't seem to even realize their brother is in the world. Kind of makes me sad, but I am guessing that may change soon.
  
  
• Pacifiers - I have been so undecided on this. I really don't want a 4year old who can't do without his binky. Also given our breastfeeding challenges I was worried about nipple confusion. BUT we seem to have hit a cranky phase where eating, burping, farting doesn't seem to do the trick. My mom busted out the pacifiers and tried one out and SILENCE. It was like magic. I think I am going to try to use for "emergencies" or at least when nothing else is working.
  
  
• I always thought kids either liked vibrating chairs or swings...these kids don't seem to be a fan of either! Matthew pretty much only sleeps on his stomach, which of course is not recommended because of SIDS.
  
  
• LOVE my City Mini Double stroller!
  
  
• I think I am going to need a boob job after nursing. My boobs are huge and heavy and my Target nursing bras aren't cutting it.
  
  
• When will my belly button return to normal and the stupid linea negra go away? I have about 8 lbs to pre-pregnancy weight, but I am more concerned with how strange my belly looks than the weight.
  
  
• When will the bleeding stop?? It tapered off about 3 weeks ago, then started up again around 5.5 weeks and tapered off and now it seems back again. My doctor doesn't seem bothered by it, but I am a little concerned everything isn't clearing out properly especially considering the issues with my placenta delivery.
  
  
• Being up and in the kitchen every 3 hours is not a good thing. I eat constantly. Not good for losing weight, not good on my teeth since I basically eat immediately after brushing.
  
  
• It is amazing how little sleep you can actually function on. I was always one of those people that needed my sleep. Now I get about 4-5 hours split into 2 - 2.5 hour increments and somehow manage.
  



• One of the things I was most unprepared for was how little I was going to see my husband. He is either working, farming, moving us, unpacking boxes, grocery shopping, or watching the kids while I sleep. We spend so little time together it makes me sad.



• I absolutely love having twins, but part of me feels like things are so mechanical. I just want to sit and enjoy each child and spend quality time and I feel like I have to hurry through everything to get it all done. Hoping that will get better with time.



• After going through pregnancy, delivery, breastfeeding and being one of those infertile people that felt like I had to experience that - I can now say I really think you can love a child that is not your flesh and blood just as much. So much of it is about once they are here - not just the pregnancy and birth story - and that seems to be the focus. Probably because we can't see any further. But after being on the other side of the mountain, each little child is precious no matter how they got here.



• I feel so so so incredibly blessed to finally be a mommy and cannot wait to see how these little guys will grow and develop. I dream of playing ball, riding bikes, going to the zoo. Cannot. wait! But for now I am enjoying tiny fingers and toes and all the grunts and farts! : )
  
  
  
  

Body recovery update

I am still very "weirded out" (for lack of a better word) by my belly. I just expected loose skin instead of this small baby bump with an outtie belly button. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled not to have the loose skin, but my belly just feels so mis-shapen. Here is a recent pic. I have 15 lbs left to lose as of 2 weeks postpartum. I have a feeling those extra lbs are staying with me for a while because my boobs are ginormous and feel like they weigh 15 lbs a piece!!!

My tailbone has been so sore and according to Dr. Google, apparently you can bruise or even break your tailbone during childbirth. Who knew?!!

I am hoping to bounce back a little more. My bleeding has pretty much stopped, hemorrhoids are in check and pooping going ok. The swelling in my legs is SO much better. I still have a little in my ankles and feet, but I have knees and calves again. Hallelujah!! LOL! So while many things are much improved, for some reason, I feel 100 years old. It just hurts to go from sitting to standing and I feel like I move at a snail's pace. I think it has to do with the blood loss and it's just going to take time. I am just used to being so active and fast paced that it feels strange when my body just aches and is telling me to slow down.

So that's the update for now!