Our Story

Grab a blanket, snuggle up and get comfy....cause this is kinda long....

PRE-IVF

It was Nov. 2007 when we decided to "pull the goalie."  We thought, "well, we won't 'TRY', but we won't 'NOT TRY' and whatever happens, will happen.  Giggle, giggle...with thoughts of the announcement where we told family and friends, "Surprise!  We're pregnant."  What a joke that turned out to be.

I went off the pill and found my cycles were really long... usually between 5 and 8 weeks.  That's not how they used to be, but I guess it has been 11 years that I've been on the pill.  Anyway, the long cycles made "timing" pretty tough.  I decided to try BBT (body temperature charting).  For months I woke up in the morning, took my temperature, listened to the beep.  I studied my charts that looked like a disaster and sometimes I could see when I ovulated and other times it was questionable.  I tried all the dumb tricks you read online about pillows under your butt, even standing on your head.  I crack up thinking about all the crazy things I tried.  I had the baseline hormone tests done by my OB/GYN and everything was "normal."  My OB/GYN told me I was a little light on the BMI index and that it might be good if I put on some weight.  I had been working hard to be healthy.  I took pre-natal vitamins, was exercising, eating healthy - doing everything to prepare my body the best way I knew how to be pregnant and now I was supposed to gain weight???  So, I stopped exercising and started eating more.  I gained a little weight and a lot of flub and needless to say, that didn't work either.  So now I was fat and not pregnant.  Thanks a lot lady!!

About 8 months after we started trying I was introduced to a friend of a friend who had had trouble getting pregnant.  By that point I was frustrated, but wasn't really sure there was a problem.  She recommended seeing an RE.  I remember that being a little bit of a tough decision.  Getting help meant admitting we actually had a problem.  Being control freak, Type "A" personalities, that's not always easy for my husband and I to do. So about a year after starting to try, we took the plunge and went to our RE.  After the sperm analysis came back, we knew we had issues.  So now the decision was IUI or IVF.  We contemplated the choices, the cost, the invasiveness, etc. and fairly quickly decided we wanted to go straight to IVF.  The stats on IUI didn't look good and with a sperm issue, wasn't sure if that was the best choice.  Plus we didn't want to be one of those couples still in that RE's waiting room a year later.  HA!  Another joke!  The best decision we made in this process was signing up for the "shared risk" program.  It was almost twice as much as a normal IVF cycle, but it gave you 4 fresh cycles and all the frozen cycles too.  I can honestly say that if we hadn't done that, I'm not sure if we would still be in this journey or if we would have quit long ago.

IVF CYCLE #1
In January 2009, we did our first fresh IVF cycle.  I responded well to the drugs.  We got 18 embryos and they decided to freeze all of them because they were concerned about OHSS.  My E2 levels were apparently "off the chart."  I remember my RE saying that we should have made all the babies we'll ever want in this one IVF cycle.  I remember thinking how glad I was that I would never have to go through all of those shots again, the bloodwork, the U/S dildo exams, the pre-retrieval enema and douches - yuck - never again.  It was tough, but I had survived and now we just had to wait a few months to do a frozen cycle.  We drove to work the next few months, passing the IVF Center and saying "hi" to our babies.  My husband used to say, "How do you think the babies are today?"  and I would say, "Cold."  We joked and were happy and hopeful.

FET #1
In May 2009, we did our first frozen cycle.  We transferred 2 beautiful blastocysts and had 2 extra to freeze.  The pregnancy test came back and my HcG level was 555.  "You're pregnant!!"  Those were the happiest words I had ever heard.  Second HcG test was 1458.  WOO HOO!  Could it be twins?  Those were pretty high HcG numbers.  And as soon as it came, it was all gone.  I got SO sick that weekend and less than a week later, I started bleeding, went in for an U/S - nothing could be seen yet (but it was early), repeated my HcG test, which confirmed miscarriage was pending with HcG level at 220.  I was devastated.  Why was this happening?

FET #2
In July 2009, we did our next frozen cycle.  We thawed the rest of the 2pn (Day 0) embryos and by Day 5 NONE of them had made it.  So on the day of transfer, we thawed the 2 leftover blastocysts from the first FET cycle.  I was pregnant again.  First HcG was 701, second was 1700.  We went to the ultrasound and saw not one, but 2 little flickers on the screen.  It was TWINS! There were hugs all around from my RE, the nurse.  This was it.  I knew that if we had made it to that point where we saw the heartbeats that there was a slim chance of anything happening.  So, again, felt like we had been through hell, but now we would have our family.  We were out of frozen embryos, we had our twins and our family was made. 

It was all perfect timing.  We were moving back to be near my husband's family.  We literally had our ultrasound to see the heartbeats and closed on our house the same day.  We moved and I thought - this is the start of a new and beautiful chapter.  We got settled in our new house.  I had to find a new OB/GYN and wanted one that specialized in multiple gestations.  I researched baby strollers and visualized where I would put the Pack N' Plays.  I had switched to progesterone shots because I was spotting a little.  It was literally one day after my very last progesterone shot when I went in for my first U/S to see the babies.  Our big nuchal U/S was not for another few weeks, so I told my hubby to just wait for that one.  I went by myself.  They did the ultrasound and I saw the babies on the screen.  I could make out their heads and little bodies by this point and smiled.  The doctor didn't say anything at first and then in a very quiet, solemn voice, he said, "Debbie, I don't see a heartbeat."  I panicked.  "What?  No heartbeat?  IN EITHER ONE??" He softly replied, "I don't see either heartbeat."  How could this be happening?  I had heard how people sometimes lost one baby, but BOTH??  Wasn't there only like a 5% chance of that happening after you had seen the heartbeats?  I was that 5% TWICE????  How could this be happening.  The OB went out to get another doctor to come in and confirm.  He left the room and I SOBBED.  I completely lost it.  My world was spinning out of control.  The other doctor came in and confirmed he saw nothing.  They measured the babies and they were only measuring a little over 7 weeks and they should have been 10 weeks at that point.  They then explained my options - letting things happen on their own, giving me medicine to help with the miscarriage or a D&E.  I wasn't ready to digest all of that.  I left the doctor's office, passing all the women in the waiting room with their pregnant bellies and kids playing on the floor, got 2 steps out the door and just lost it.  I managed to get in my car and call my husband and I think I barely managed to get the words out, "they're gone.  The twins are gone."  I was a wreck.  I have never in my life experienced the kind of gut wrenching pain I experienced during that time.  I felt sick thinking I had dead babies inside of me, and yet there is a part of me that never wanted them to leave my body.  They were my babies and I didn't want them taken from me.  I decided to wait and see if nature would take its course, particularly because I realized a D&E would cost about $5000 given we are self-employed and have a high deductible insurance plan.  Nothing like paying that kind of money to have your babies taken away - something about that seems so cruel and wrong.    Within a few days, the bleeding had started and then it got worse.  It was the most painful and heavy, horrible bleeding.  The physical pain was enough, but the emotional pain was almost unbearable...knowing that what I was seeing was my babies passing from my body.  It. was. TORTURE.  My OB determined I was Rh negative, so I had to get a RhoGam shot and I came back for a follow up appointment and thank goodness, I seemed to have had a complete miscarriage on my own.  If I had to have a D&E after all that, I would have been seriously pissed.

I talked to my RE and he explained how miscarriages are unfortunately very normal.  And while I heard him and understood that, I just felt in my gut that something was terribly wrong.  I felt like I was getting pregnant every time and then it never worked out.  I started reading about "natural killer cells" and got tested for some autoimmune disorders.  I also did more extensive testing on my thyroid.  Everything checked out normal.  We were going to do karoytype (chromosome testing), but it was expensive and the results wouldn't be back in time for the next cycle.  They said it was rare, so we let that one go for now.  I felt like my RE was right - that I unfortunately just "picked the Ace out of the deck" twice in a row and that surely it wouldn't happen again.

IVF CYCLE #2
In January 2010, we did another fresh IVF cycle.  My friend that introduced me to my RE, and who was my angel through this entire time, was trying for #2 and our cycles lined up TO THE DAY.  We went to every U/S together, every bloodwork appointment, our cycles were progressing similarly.  We compared notes on the meds, how we were feeling.  It was so nice to have a buddy to go through everything with.  Our egg retrieval surgeries were literally back to back.  We were in rooms next door to one another.  I was more worried about her than I was myself.  We both did great.  I got 20 eggs, 15 embryos.  She had similar or better numbers.  Everything seemed so right.  Maybe this was it - maybe we would both get pregnant and we could go through everything together and then we would have children that would be the same age and would forever change our lives.  And within 2 weeks, everything changed.  I started spotting, she started getting pregnancy symptoms.  I didn't even have to take my HcG test to know it was going to be negative, but like a good girl, I finished out my progesterone suppositories (God, I hate those things!) and did my blood test, got the "I'm so sorry" call from my RE's office and sure enough, my friend was pregnant.  I was so happy for her - I was.  I couldn't think of a more deserving person to be pregnant.  I wanted to celebrate, but I was devastated.  I wanted to be the friend to her that she had been to me.  And I wasn't - I sucked.  I wallowed in self-pity.  I tried to be thankful that at least I didn't have to experience another miscarriage - it was far better to just get a negative pregnancy test than to go through a miscarriage. 

After every failure I have had this burning desire to get answers as to "why."  I go in this major research mode and Google everything under the sun.  I just need to know why things are happening.  So we decide to proceed with the karyotype testing.  Low and behold, we find out that my husband is a balanced translocation carrier, which is a type of chromosome issue.  At first I was glad to finally know WHY this was all happening.  I was also a little relieved to hear it wasn't me.  I didn't realize how much I had been blaming myself and my body and when we got this news it was like a giant weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  I didn't place that weight on my husband - it just kind of went away.  But, the satisfaction of knowing quickly wore off.  We now had to do something about this.

So we went to see a genetic counselor and did a lot of research. We talked to family members to try and understand which side of the family the translocation came from.  It never was clear and we still don't know, but it doesn't really matter because it's our reality regardless of where it came from.  The genetic counselor was a horrible experience.  I won't go into details but the doctor basically made light of the whole situation, when he entered the office he said, "Whaddya know....a balanced translocation" and began looking at me and talking to me.  I finally said, "You do realize my husband is the carrier, right?"  and he was like, "Oh - whoops and started looking at his notes like....hmmm, I guess I should have read these things."  It was horrible.  The genetic counselor conferred with some geneticist out of NY and basically came back with a recommendation that we NOT use PGD - and that maybe we should just try on our own.  ARE YOU KIDDING????  A) my cycle is wacked out.  B) We have sperm issues and c) we have a balanced translocation.  You really think we should just relax, have a glass of wine and try on our own???  Ok, so now I was pissed.  I have to say I contemplated for a few minutes if I should just relax a little (which there is still is some merit to), but we determined pretty quickly, and particularly after we spoke with our RE and PGD Centers that we weren't taking these people's advice. 

IVF CYCLE #3 WITH PGD (FISH & ANEUPLOIDY)
We did the whole PGD workup - shipping blood samples to the PGD Center, notarizing consent forms, etc.  Specific FISH probes were developed for our translocation.  We coordinated everything and so, in April 2010 we started another fresh IVF cycle.  At my last ultrasound, things weren't looking good.  I hadn't made nearly as many eggs this time.  I kept praying that somehow they would get more than what we saw on the screen, but the minute I woke up from my egg retrieval surgery and they told me they had gotten 9 eggs, I started sobbing.  Going through all the shots, all the same stuff and knowing I needed good numbers to have a shot at having some normal embryos - I was devastated.  Our only saving grace was that we still had 6 embryos in the freezer from our last cycle to add to this batch.  So, by Day 3, we had 10 embryos that were biopsied.  I was a nervous wreck.  It was a Sunday when the call came.  I thought about going to church, but had a feeling the call would come and I needed to take it, so i didn't go.  We had 2 normal embryos.  I was ecstatic!  This was it!  We got in the car and drove 2 hours to our IVF Center on a quiet, beautiful Sunday afternoon.  We had one early blastocyst and one morula.  Not super looking, but we were told that was to be expected that their growth was delayed after being biopsied.  During the transfer, my RE said, "Well, I guess we even know if these embryos are girls or boys."  Dr. IVF Center (as I refer to him on this blog) announced, "there's no girls in this room."  So we knew it was 2 boys.  We didn't really want to know - we thought we would find out later maybe if we got pregnant - but the cat was out of the bag.  So for the next week and a half I fantasized about twin boys.  Maybe my twins would come back to me afterall.  But they didn't.  Negative pregnancy test. 

I was emotionally spent.  This had been the worst roller coaster ride imaginable - devastated with so few eggs, to the best hope finding we had 2 normal ones, and then failure...AGAIN.  Maybe it wasn't meant to be.  We decided we needed a break.  I was fairly sure that my body didn't respond well because it was tired, tuckered out.  I didn't feel well physically, emotionally, etc.  Every other cycle, I was so anxious to get back up and try and again - time was ticking - and I wanted to keep moving.  This time was different.  I was exhausted.  Done.  Wasn't sure I could do this again.  I knew we had 1 last try before our shared risk was over and I was scared to death to use it.  I needed it to work.  We took the summer off and it was wonderful.  I started teaching gymnastics classes, working out.  I got involved in church activities and wrote a spiritual autobiography - I started reclaiming my life.  I needed to find me again.  Buried deep somewhere was this bubbly, cheerful, outgoing girl, but I had lost her during this process.  I was determined to not let infertility steal my soul.  So, I re-charged my battery.  I started researching adoption and donor sperm and embryo adoption.  I read about the topics very objectively, with no emotion in it, like I could write a research paper on it, like it was someone else's problem.  I learned a lot.  I warmed up to the ideas of some of these other options.  I felt like I needed a plan before we started this next cycle.  How many more times were we willing to try?  When we are on our last try, did we want to hold back a few eggs in case we wanted to try donor sperm?  We decided to go check out another Fertility Center that was very well regarded and had PGD on site. They seemed much more "PGD friendly" and wanted to see if by chance we would qualify for their shared risk program.  We met with the doctor and of course we didn't qualify for shared risk.  While they were big and experienced, I wasn't convinced that the RE part of the process would be all that different from my current doctor - and I was comfortable with where I was.  However, we had a consult with their PGD center and they indicated they could do microarray (instead of FISH) which would allow us to test all 23 pairs of chromosomes instead of only 5 or 6 for the same price.  I felt like if we were going to all that trouble, wouldn't it be nice to have as much data as possible?  Would hate to transfer an embryo that didn't have the translocation, but found later they had another genetic defect we could have detected.  So we decided we would stick with our current clinic, but send the cells for PGD microarray testing at this new lab.

IVF CYCLE #4 WITH PGD (MICROARRAY)
In September 2010, we started our fourth and final IVF cycle under shared risk.  Are you tired yet???  I am.  I am wondering how damn long this page is going to be and if Google Blogger is going to give me some kind of error saying I exceeded space limitations.  That's how damn long this journey has been!  But I digress...

So, we start things out.  My RE decides to use a different stim protocol this time using Bravelle and Menopur instead of Follistim.  I was a little nervous about switching things up (because I am kind of anti-change in general), but I figured I did so horrible last time, that it was worth a shot.  I hated the shots as usual, but muttered through it.  At my ultrasounds, I saw lots of follicles, but they seemed to be different sizes.  Turns out we got 22 eggs, 14 were mature, but 19 of them managed to fertilize.  WOO HOO!  Good numbers.  So, on Day 3, Dr. IVF Center performed the biopsy, sent the cells to the new PGD lab.  On Wed. I get in the car to go to the transfer, thinking surely we will have 1 normal embryos out of that many and get a call saying the PGD test got botched up and they have no results.  ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME???  So at this point, I am completely kicking myself in the ass for changing PGD centers.  We have to repeat the biopsy on Day 5/6 and pray for results.  I. was. pissed.  How could we put the embryos through that much?  If it could go wrong, it seemed like it did.  But, anyway, they re-perform the biopsy, we have 5 normal blastocysts and so at present time, those embryos are in the freezer waiting for Momma's lining to be primed up and ready for them.  So, I have to take a full cycle off and then we do a transfer in November.

FET #3
Coming November 2010....