I know that title isn't rocket science. I always knew it would be a part of me, but I have to say that the last two years, raising my twin boys has been a top priority and because we weren't TTC, infertility was never at the forefront of my mind, which was a huge change given it consumed me for so many years.
A few things have happened recently that I thought we worth writing about.
1) I am in awe every day that I wake up and I am pregnant. I am in awe that I don't have to insert progesterone suppositories, take medication and baby aspirin. My body is just working. And to me, that is a miracle.
2) I still detest people who get pregnant easily and have no appreciation for how difficult it is for so many people. My SIL is apparently pregnant. I say apparently because she has not officially announced, however, wearing belly bands, the size of her tummy, and her comments speak otherwise. She casually drops in, "I am going to eat and drink whatever I want" as she switches from coffee to coke and a few hours later eats deli meats. I am not going to judge (ok, maybe a little)...people can do what they feel comfortable in moderation; it's just the lack of appreciation and utter "in your face" attitude about it.
3) Seeing a baby on an ultrasound makes your heart swell and your eyes fill with tears. I have such mixed emotions on this pregnancy - nervous, yet excited; guarded, yet hopeful. I can't help but smile and fill with warmth and love when I see that baby and his/her little legs kick and heart beat on the ultrasound. It is absolutely amazing.
4) Scared, yet hopeful. This is definitely TMI, but after being away from home and eating too much over Labor Day weekend, I was apparently constipated. After a BM, I started bleeding bright red. It wasn't that small of an amount, but it stopped very quickly. The next day, same thing. My google research says I may have a sensitive cervix. I am also wondering if it has anything to do with the fact I had a pap smear on Friday and maybe my cervix is still not quite happy yet. Regardless, seeing red blood when you are pregnant is never a good sign. My boys were up and their normal full-of-energy selves. I found myself having this sulking bad attitude full of, "this is over" and just wanted to go in my room and close the door instead of play with them. I was also mad at myself for feeling that way. I wondered why when just a few weeks back, I wasn't sure I was all that happy about having another child and now I am depressed about the thought of losing the baby. I still don't understand it all; such a ball of conflicting emotions. I do think everything is ok with the pregnancy and it was an isolated incident, but the experience showed me that I obviously really do want this to work and I am somewhat protecting myself by having an ambivalent attitude about it to this point.
Ok, nap time is over. Just wanted to jot down those few thoughts before they escaped me.
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