Another 2ww of sorts

I seriously feel like I am in the 2ww while waiting for my next doctor's appointment (which is still 8 days away). You know how you make yourself crazy and think, "This is it!!!" and get giddy excited and then the next day you can hit the biggest low convincing yourself that it didn't work....AGAIN?

Yeah, well that is what my mind has been doing. I am practically playing out the doctor's visit in my mind. I'm thinking it goes one of 2 ways....

They tell me everything is fine at which point my husband says, "See, I told you so" and I giggle thinking about how I guess I was tired and my boobs were sore. I remind myself that I shouldn't be so paranoid and just be thankful I don't feel worse. I start looking forward to my nuchal ultrasound just one week later, at which point I feel I could breathe a humongous sigh of relief if everything is still good at that point. And that would be the end of the first trimester, a major milestone!!

OR....

They tell me they are sorry and the babies are no longer alive, at which point I may consider driving myself to the nearest bridge and jumping. Not really, but you know what I mean. I already know what I will be thinking. I should have known. Why would I ever think this would actually work for me? I will be forced to make decisions on how I want to "manage" my miscarriage. I will be pissed that I wasted 11 weeks of pregnancy on something that never materialized and feel that much further behind. I will be forced to analyze what went wrong and what problems we have not yet discovered. I will spiral into this "why me?" doom and gloom period that will last who knows how long.

I honestly feel like it could just as easily go one way as the other, basically like flipping a coin. And I am pissed that I feel that way. I want to be convinced that this IS it, this IS going to work and have confidence. But I just don't. I wish I had a damn ultrasound machine! I think I would use that thing every day if I could!