Blog Award

Recently I was the recipient of a blog award from As Fast As My Baby Can and The Road Less Traveled

I am feeling the love! Thanks, ladies!!!

The rules for accepting the award were slightly different for each award I received, so I am taking a combo of the two:

1. Thank and link back to the person/people who gave you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 7 other bloggers.
4. Contact those bloggers to tell them about the award.

7 things about myself that you might not know:

1. I had a goldfish that lived 13 years (and I am not kidding)! My parents had to take over care for the fish when I went to college!
2. I did competitive gymnastics as a child. I can still do a round-off backhandspring back tuck (for any gymnasts out there that would know what that means), but I am guessing that is quickly going to come to an end with 2 buns in the oven!
3. I am obsessed with ice cream. Love, love, love it!
4. I used to be allergic to fruit, but seem to have outgrown the allergy. Thank goodness because I love fruit too! Ok, I apparently have food on the brain! : )
5. I am a pretty big cheapskate. I love finding deals and recently started "couponing."
6. I wasn't raised with any religion. I have always wanted to find God, and infertility has brought me closer to knowing Him than ever before in my life.
7. I am a sucker for animals. I love dogs and cats. I am totally the person that catches a spider and takes it outside rather than killing it.
   

Hope you found something out about me that you didn't know!

Now, the 7 bloggers that I get to award...

1. More Room In My Heart
2. Such a Good Egg
3. When you Gotta Glow
4. Venting Vagina
5. You Wouldn't Even Make an Omelette with Stale Eggs
6. MISSION: Fertile Soul
7. You Call Me Bitch Like It's a Bad Thing

Thank you to everyone for your amazing and insightful thoughts that you take the time to share and for taking the time to read and share on my blog! Hugs!!

3 Cheers for the end of meds!

I graduated yesterday. No more progesterone up the crotch. No more estradiol. No more baby aspirin. HOORAY! Too bad I would trade those damn-vitamin-horse-pills-that-make-me-gag for the teeny tiny estradiol or baby aspirin any day! Unfortunately, that's not how things work. There is a small part of me that sees those things, particularly the progesterone, as a security blanket and it feels a bit weird to stop, but everything I have heard and read is that the babies don't need it anymore, so I am generally ok with it.

I spent time this weekend checking out baby items online - cribs, carseats, strollers, nursery set ups. I am a total research fanatic and overanalyze everything and with the abundance of stuff we are going to need, I feel like I want to get started, particularly because a) I am clueless; and b) I feel like twins have their nuances and I can't just ask friends (they have singletons). I can feel myself getting all into it and yet there is this subtle reminder in the back of my head warning me to be careful and maybe I shouldn't be doing this yet. The deeper I go, the more it's going to hurt if things fall apart. The ongoing catch 22.

The other thing I am spending oodles of time on is analyzing my belly. I must pull up my shirt about 3 times a day and ask my hubby if my belly looks bigger. I know I am going to be eating my words at some point, but right now, I CANNOT WAIT to have a cute little baby bump! And, please just let me dream for a minute that it will not include my ass getting huge and all kinds of other expansions...just my little basketball belly please! : ) In all seriousness, it is really weird...my belly looks fairly small in the morning and then by the end of the day, it's all full. It as if everything I ate is just sitting there on top and then by morning it is digested. Very weird. I am definitely in my pants reserved for when I feel fat, but no sign of needing maternity clothes anytime soon.

The big event of this week is the nuchal U/S. I am mostly excited, but still a little nervous. I think this is going to be the last big appointment for a while, and we'll be at 12 weeks, so I'm feeling like if everything is ok, we should be ready to "come out" about our pregnancy. But then why don't I feel ready? We need to tell my husband's family (still haven't done that...whoops!) and I'll probably tell a few close friends, but I'm not sure I am going to tell anyone beyond that. Is that weird??

11 weeks, OB Physical

Another check in the box. Can you hear my huge sigh of relief? I went for my physical today and everything went fine.

A couple of the highlights....
I warned the doctor about my progesterone suppository "build up" so he wasn't completely freaked out during the pap. I didn't tell him that I tried to clean things out a little, but a gal can only do so much! So, during the pap, the first thing he says is, "It looks like you may have a yeast infection." I open my mouth to remind him about the progesterone and then he remembers what I told him. I felt like saying, "I tried to warn you!!" Apparently I started bleeding fairly bad during the pap. He called my cervix "aggressive" and asked if I had been bleeding during intercourse. I told him no intercourse lately...my husband wasn't really interested in a progesterone cottage cheese dip stick (sorry for the visual). Scratch that - I wasn't interested in it! Then after the pap is done, he looks back at my chart, notices I'm on baby aspirin, and says "ahhh, that's probably why all the bleeding." So, I have now been cleared of a yeast infection and an aggressive cervix. Things are looking up!

During the breast exam, he asked if my breasts were leaking at all. Answer = no. Yipes! Apparently I may have that to look forward to!

Then at the end, they listened with the doppler for the heartbeats. He was a bit nervous because 11 weeks is kind of early to hear them and knew I would freak out if we couldn't hear, but the cubs didn't disappoint. We heard the first one and then he moved the ultrasound over and heard the other one. Honestly, I didn't know if we were still listening to the first one, but he seemed to move back and forth and thought we were hearing both, so I was happy with that! He commented, "it really helps that your skinny because we have a better chance of hearing the heartbeat." Thatta boy!! Now that talk is more like it! Too bad I feel fatter than I ever have in my life!

Anyway, another big breath. One week until the nuchal ultrasound. I'm starting to feel more excited and less nervous all the time! I am scared to let my guard down, but I also want to try and enjoy this. Every positive step is affirmation that this IS happening. HOLY CRAP!!!

I found my sanity...temporarily at least

I am SO glad I went to the doc yesterday. I still slept horribly last night, but when I woke up, I had images of those beautiful babies and thumping hearts in my mind instead of crazy head trash. I relished the thought of Baby A dancing and moving around and calm little Baby B wondering if Baby A would settle down in there! I feel SOOOO much better. I'm not sure how long it will last, but I'll take it for as long as I can!! I am trying to remind myself this is the furthest I have made it and that is a big deal!! Small successes, right?

My hubby and I have been talking about what these babies would mean and the changes we would need to make. Things like our car. We both need new cars. Well, maybe I should say "want" instead of "need," but they are getting pretty old! While I would love to get an SUV (damn snow around here) and feel like I could justify it if we have two cubs (BTW, that is our nickname for the twins), I think I would forever feel like crap driving some big SUV with just me and hubby if things don't work out. In fact, we've been talking about getting an SUV for several years, but after every failed cycle, we just "back-burner" it again. I don't want a constant reminder of what's not in the back seat. Plus I start thinking about the $$$ involved in a new car plus all of the baby gear we need to buy and it starts freaking me out a bit!

Also, the work situation. We have our own business and while hubby has the lead and is the brains, I make everything "tick." I really think I want to come back to work, at least part-time to have some professional, adult interaction, but I am trying to be realistic about how long it is going to take for me to get adjusted with 2 newborns. The business has to keep going, so I can't just disappear for weeks or months on end. We've talked about hiring someone else, which is kind of hard for me to swallow because I am a control freak and generally anti-change, but I know it would be a necessary thing. But then would that be a temporary thing or permanent? Would we replace what I am doing or supplement it, which affects the skill set we are looking for. When we start backing into the timeframe of when we would need to start looking for someone and how long it will take to train them, etc., we better get moving like NOW! And now seems too soon because how do we know this is really going to happen?

It's just hard. These are big life things. Trust me, these are problems I am thrilled to have! It's just complicated and I think when you have a history of infertility, the uncertainty we feel is even worse. I keep thinking I will feel more confident at the NEXT appointment. And then the next appointment comes and I move the timeframe out. After reading some other stories, I'm not sure that ever changes and while the negative thoughts gradually get pushed to the back of your mind the further you make it, I'm not sure you can fully breathe until you are holding your little one(s) in your arms. And then of course, I'm sure Mom's would tell you that is just when the REAL worrying begins!!

Impromptu 10 week Ultrasound

So, I am completely embarrassed, but I broke down and called my doctor's office this morning and asked if I could move up my appointment for next week. As you could probably tell, I have been so paranoid that something is wrong. My pregnancy symptoms have really deteriorated and I feel like they should be getting worse. My belly seems smaller, not bigger. I haven't been sleeping well because of all my head trash and last night was icing on the cake. At 4am, I couldn't take it anymore and vowed to call the doctor's office in the morning.

Long story short, they managed to squeeze me in for an ultrasound today and everything was fine. Thank the Lord!!!! I am 10 weeks today and Baby A was measuring 10w1d with a heartbeat of 167 bpm and Baby B was measuring 10w exactly at 159bpm. Both were moving around. They looked like they were dancing or doing the worm or something! LOL! One waved its arm saying hi!

I really can't even believe it. I haven't even let out a sigh of relief yet because I am still in complete shock. I went in completely expecting to hear the worst. Of course they treated me like I was a mental case and this time I was proven to be one, but better that than the alternative. The doctor even went so far to say that he "really doesn't hear the types of things I'm saying from other women and that I must be extremely in tune with my body changes." I was pretty humiliated and of course my husband threw in plenty of "I told you so's." Whatever! They can both kiss my ass! Truthfully, I have been so wrong about this entire cycle (see - I am still talking in "cycles" and not "pregnancy"), but I have never been so glad to be wrong in my entire life!!

They didn't have time for the OB physical so I go back next week for that. They will listen for heartbeats with the doppler next week, but said it's pretty early to detect and it will be near impossible to differentiate the two babies so I'm not sure next week's appointment will be particularly helpful. I'm so glad I went today. I don't think I could have dealt with no information again next week.

So, cheers for now!!

Another 2ww of sorts

I seriously feel like I am in the 2ww while waiting for my next doctor's appointment (which is still 8 days away). You know how you make yourself crazy and think, "This is it!!!" and get giddy excited and then the next day you can hit the biggest low convincing yourself that it didn't work....AGAIN?

Yeah, well that is what my mind has been doing. I am practically playing out the doctor's visit in my mind. I'm thinking it goes one of 2 ways....

They tell me everything is fine at which point my husband says, "See, I told you so" and I giggle thinking about how I guess I was tired and my boobs were sore. I remind myself that I shouldn't be so paranoid and just be thankful I don't feel worse. I start looking forward to my nuchal ultrasound just one week later, at which point I feel I could breathe a humongous sigh of relief if everything is still good at that point. And that would be the end of the first trimester, a major milestone!!

OR....

They tell me they are sorry and the babies are no longer alive, at which point I may consider driving myself to the nearest bridge and jumping. Not really, but you know what I mean. I already know what I will be thinking. I should have known. Why would I ever think this would actually work for me? I will be forced to make decisions on how I want to "manage" my miscarriage. I will be pissed that I wasted 11 weeks of pregnancy on something that never materialized and feel that much further behind. I will be forced to analyze what went wrong and what problems we have not yet discovered. I will spiral into this "why me?" doom and gloom period that will last who knows how long.

I honestly feel like it could just as easily go one way as the other, basically like flipping a coin. And I am pissed that I feel that way. I want to be convinced that this IS it, this IS going to work and have confidence. But I just don't. I wish I had a damn ultrasound machine! I think I would use that thing every day if I could!

Update from the Slug

So, not too much has been going on around here. I am just biding my time and trying to patiently wait until my next doctor's appointment...although I'm not doing too well on the patient part. I have been feeling pretty good. The bloating, nausea, indigestion kind of comes and goes and the only thing consistent are my poor sore boobs. I started wearing a sports bra to bed because they were waking me up in the middle of the night from turning over.

I was talking to my hubby about a week ago about my symptoms. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: I am surprised I am not more tired. I hear all these stories of women that can barely make it through the work day. I don't feel that tired.
Hubby: What do you mean? You are either groaning about getting up, talking about sleeping or you are sleeping or laying down. You are kind of like a slug.

We had a good laugh about it and the more I thought about it, the more I felt like a slug. Bending over to pick up things seems difficult. Mustering up the energy for laundry and dishes is difficult and would require getting my arse off the couch. I do feel like I am just moving slower. In the past, I was extremely active and zipped around and took care of everything. So I guess come to think of it, I have been a little slug-like!

I keep inspecting my belly and wondering if my bump has arrived. I'm a pretty petite person, and hearing others stories, I feel like I should be showing more. Instead, I just feel totally frumpy with this bloated pooch belly. When I sit down, I just feel fat. I just want a sign...something...to tell me everything is still ok.

Ahhhh, Timing

I have been exchanging emails with some old friends and trying to plan a girls weekend. So, as we were discussing dates and destinations, one of my friends drops the bomb that she is expecting #2 and is due ONE.DAY.BEFORE.ME. So a million thoughts start racing through my mind. I feel bad for not telling her I am pregnant. She had sort of been following our journey. She was more in tune with some cycles and not others and this one she wasn't....so I just hadn't filled her in yet. So, I felt kinda bad that she shared and I didn't. And then I immediately rationalized that 8 weeks was kind of early anyhow and everyone has their own idea of when they want to share. Then I got all excited that I could actually have a pal on the same timeline and we could compare symptoms and doctor's appointments and all. Then I got all pissy because she was so stinking adorable with her first and I imagined myself as a whale next to her as I carry twins. And then my heart temporarily stopped (and I wanted my whale thought back) as I considered the possibility of something going wrong with my pregnancy and hers continuing. I just know that I will forever be scarred by that child's birthdate. But I am going to try and erase that last thought from my brain for now and instead continue to dream of our girls getaway weekend in a few months and both of us with our baby bumps.

Prenatal Vitamins

I have been taking pre-natal vitamins for like 4 years now because like a good girl, I started even before I was trying to conceive. When I started with my RE I switched from an over-the-counter vitamin to a prescription. Since then, the pharmacy has switched my vitamin like 3 or 4 times because the brand keeps changing or selling out or something. Anyway, a few months ago, I got yet another new one. I take 2 pills every day- I think one is the vitamins and the other is a gel cap, which is the DHA/amino acids. The pills are like horse pills (HUGE!) and I'm not sure if it's the new brand or the pregnancy, but they make me so sick. The only time I have actually thrown up this pregnancy was shortly after I took my vitamins. I called my doctor and they suggested trying to take them with a small meal/snack, which has helped some. They didn't seem to have a preference on another brand. Does anyone have a recommendation?