First OB visit

I went over to the OB/GYN office yesterday to do all the paperwork and bloodwork, etc. My next appt. isn't until Jan. 27, which is just a physical (pap, etc.) and they will listen for fetal hearttones. Apparently if they feel the need for an ultrasound (i.e., can't find heartbeat, etc), they will schedule a subsequent appt. I'm pretty sure I will demand that they check it right then and there if that happens. Then the big nuchal translucency ultrasound is scheduled for Feb. 3rd. I am kind of disappointed that I have to wait so long to go back. I was also just really disappointed in the nurses and staff. It's hard because I really like all of the doctor's I've seen (it's relatively new to me since I moved here not long ago) and the practice comes highly recommended, but the staff just suck. They just treat you like a number and seem so clueless and disinterested about my particular situation and my history. I guess I should be thankful I am finally "normal" and being treated like everyone else, but I feel like screaming, "Do you understand what is at stake here?!! Do you have any idea what I have been through to get to this point?!!"

I have to be honest. I am pretty terrified of my next appointment and whether or not these babies will have heartbeats. I want to believe this is it. I really do. I just can't seem to escape my past and know nothing other than failure, so it's hard for me to imagine this turning out any other way. I go a day or two and do pretty well mentally and then I have a night like last night where I wonder why I'm not more tired, why I don't feel more sick, especially when I am pregnant with multiples. I try to remind myself to live for today - and today I am pregnant. I try to remember that we used PGD this time and hopefully the miscarriages were caused by the translocation the last time and we have dealt with it this time. And then I wonder if there is something else that we don't know about. There is just something so incredibly infuriating in thinking you are living a lie. That is what I felt the last time. I dutifully did my damn progesterone and other meds for WEEKS and those babies weren't alive and my body didn't tell me. It betrayed me. Something about it is just so WRONG. I just can hardly stand to think if that happens again.

I don't want to dwell on the negative and I feel like I've done that a lot, so I am sorry for that. I just want to be honest about what I am feeling and fortunately or unforunately I tend to write more when I am nervous. I am SO SO grateful to have these problems. Really, I am. I just have to get past this next milestone and hear those heartbeats again. I really feel like once I am in unchartered territory, my past will stop haunting me. Hold me to that, k?

Details from the 6w Ultrasound and General Update

Wow - that title couldn't get any more boring! Sorry I'm not feeling very creative. I wanted to capture some additional details about my ultrasound on Friday, mostly so I won't forget. I'm guessing I won't, but you never know...
Anyway, I arrived fairly nervous. My symptoms had subsided most of that week, but the nausea did return somewhat on Thurs. evening and then off and on Fri. morning until my appointment. Regardless, I was fairly unsettled. When we started the ultrasound, my doctor confirmed that black circle (the gestational sac) on the screen was "my pregnancy." He zoomed in and studied it a bit, looking for a heartbeat. As he did, I thought to myself, "Huh, there is only one afterall." I suspected twins with my high HcG levels, especially since they were similar with my last twin pregnancy. He said, "There. See that." referring to the heartbeat. Honestly, I could barely see it. I was trying, but it was ever so faint. Then he moved around a bit more and that's when second black circle entered in. Sure enough, it was twins!! This one actually looked larger and while I didn't see the "flashing" of the heartbeat, I saw the little circle going around and around. I somehow remember the heartbeat more distinct the last time I was pregnant, but if my doc was satisfied, then I guess we are good. It seems so ironic that every time I get pregnant it is twins. It seems it is either feast or famine with us!!

My doctor and the staff could not have been more awesome. I think the entire office was celebrating. My doctor even called the head of the IVF center to tell him the good news and he said that totally made his Christmas. I really think they were as excited as we were, maybe more!! My doctor said they had a center wide meeting earlier that week and he told everyone that I was coming in on Christmas Eve and he said their faces turned white! LOL! I guess everyone loves to cheer for an underdog. I have definitely been a "special" patient of theirs. I get the impression that they don't see many chromosomal issues like our and don't do PGD all that often. It was all too similar with the last time when I left the office with my pregnancy magazines, hugs all around. I was excited, so thrilled for the opportunity, but with a heaviness knowing I have been in this spot before and it didn't work out. So, I am just PRAYING to get past the place I was last time. I feel like once I get to unchartered territory that maybe I will be able to breathe.

So one more thing to share because the timing was just so eerie. We went to church on Christmas Eve at 11pm. Service was over and we got home right about midnight. I had been feeling fine, but when I walked through the door this wave of nausea hit me. I went straight to the bathroom and thought surely I was going to lose it. My mouth was watering like crazy and I was just spitting repeatedly in the toilet. Finally, after a few minutes, it subsided. I never did throw up. It was just so strange because it was literally right at midnight, the start of Christmas Day. I just wonder if God heard my prayer to let me know this was going to be ok and that was my sign.

On the symptom front...I have had off and on nausea. I am starting to wonder if it is actually just indigestion. I have all this pressure up in my diaphragm. My husband tries to hold me in bed at night and I won't let him touch me because I feel claustrophobic, like someone is standing on my chest. I think that feeling makes me feel sick to my stomach. After a break last week from the boobs symptoms, the soreness has come back, this time on the bottom and sides toward my armpits. I keep wondering if I am getting my baby bump but I really think it is just bloating. It seems worse at night than in the morning and if I have to pee (have a full bladder), I feel like my belly is totally popped out, but it seems to come and go so I think it's just bloating.

I called my OB's office to see when they wanted me to come in. I have an appt. on Thurs. AM, but it's just to go over insurance stuff, get my lab slip for bloodwork and schedule my next appointments. No ultrasounds : ( I guess I'll find out when my next ultrasound will be on Thurs. I am kind of paranoid going back to my OB/GYN office. We had just moved when I was pregnant the last time and I have only been to that OB/GYN twice...the first time to be told that the twins didn't have heartbeats and the second time was my miscarriage follow up. Needless to say, it WAS NOT a good experience and I have pretty bad memories of that place. I know it is silly to even consider switching, but I did. It's a team practice, so I never became close with the doctors anyway. However, when I initially did my research, they seemed to be the best around, so I think I will suck it up and go back. It's not their fault and actually they handled this situation very professionally.

Well, that's about it for now. I guess this post is long enough!!

Christmas Miracles

This morning we saw heartbeats x 2! I am so incredibly thankful for this opportunity. Still nervous as heck. Symptoms still coming and going, but I am going to try and take this one day at a time. One foot in front of the other.

Tick Tock 'til Friday

We had a nice little getaway with my husband's family this past weekend, a trip we take almost every year around the holidays. We shopped, ate, and relaxed, which was all fabulous except for the eating part. Apparently the queasiness decided to make its debut at the end of last week. It wasn't unbearable; I just had no interest in food whatsoever. The hot, crowded seafood restaurant on Sat. night didn't go too well though. I basically just pushed food around my plate for an hour and could not get anything down. While I can't say I was thrilled to feel icky, it did provide some reassurance that something was going on. Aside from that, the only other symptoms I have experienced have been sore breasts, some bloating and a serious case of the burps. I was settling in a little bit until today when my nausea decided to disappear. Not that I am particularly sad to see it go, but of course my paranoid brain says, "why do I feel ok all of sudden?" "Something's wrong." So I have basically declared myself a basket case until Friday and we get some more information. Counting down the days... tick tock, tick tock.

Feeling Nervous

I don't know why, but I am so uneasy. Scratch that - I DO know why given my history. I just hate it. I am so freaking nervous. I did great...for about a day. I allowed myself to dream of having a huge belly next summer at the beach and that this would be THE LAST childless Christmas. But, then the fear just keeps creeping back in. I wish I had done the second beta even though my doctor's office told me I didn't need to so I had some reassurance. I want to pee on a stick and make sure it gets darker, but I am almost too scared of it going terribly wrong that I would rather be ignorant. Isn't that ridiculous?? I hate this gray crap that I am still seeing. It can't possibly be good. Yesterday, I thought I was starting to have some weird food reactions because I wanted nothing to do with sweets and I am a huge sweets girl, but today, cookie monster is back! Yesterday, I thought I had noticed a change in my boobs (surely they are bigger) and this morning, nope - pretty normal. I am just scared to death to put my heart out there and have it be ripped out again. I just don't think I can handle it. I had a friend tell me that for the first trimester she basically wouldn't admit or say the words she was pregnant. She just said, "Apparently I have HCG in my blood." I can seriously see why she did that. I am terrified I am going to go to the U/S next week and be told something is terribly wrong. I always thought your body would let you know if something was wrong, until I had a missed miscarriage and I didn't know a damn thing until I walked through those doors, happily gazed up at the screen to see my two babies and then hear the worst words I think I ever heard..."Neither one has a heartbeat. I am so sorry." This is just another reason that IF completely SUCKS...it robs you of the joy you should be allowed to experience during this special time. Am I incredibly grateful for the chance? Absolutely. But I also scared out of my damn mind.

Someone Pinch Me

I basically didn't sleep at all last night. I woke up at 1:30am and reminded myself of what had happened and my mind just spun and spun and so I tossed and turned for the next 5 hours...and hubby about killed me!!

A couple of things:
· I forgot to mention this yesterday, but my doctor's office said I didn't even need to do the second beta tomorrow because my numbers were already so high. I have never heard of this. Have you??
· I am still confused about gray matter I am seeing. I asked the nurse about this and she said it is just coming from my vagina. Huh?? First, that's kinda gross. Second, what is causing it? I guess the progesterone, but doesn't that seem strange?
· The Christmas Eve ultrasound. Yesterday that sounded wonderful. Now I am starting to wonder if that was a good idea. What if it's bad news? Do I really want to ruin this Christmas (and probably every one thereafter)?
· What is a healthy mindset? I am thinking "cautiously optimistic." I am ranging from basically being in complete denial and feeling like they really must have mixed my blood up with someone else's to seeing my dreams within reach again but so scared to grab them only to have them ripped away.

I can really say that I was pretty low on hope and was somewhat just going through the motions. I think it was my defense mechanism kicking in. I have just been hurt too many times. This new news has definitely brought hope back into my life in a hurry, but it also scares the crap out of me. I am immensely grateful for this chance and am just PRAYING this is “it.” Thank you all for your support. It means so much.

Complete Shock

I am in complete shock right now. I literally feel like I am dreaming and someone is going to wake me up.

My doctor's office just called and my beta was 2400.

I really don't know what I said. I think I said, "You can't be serious?" I was seriously positive that this didn't work. I just can't even believe this is real.

Ultrasound is schedule for Christmas Eve morning.

HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just Waiting for Bad News...

I dutifully did my progesterone suppositories and went for my scheduled beta this morning even though I know in my heart this didn't work. The only thing that has me confused is that I don't have my period, which is weird for me.

After going through 5 transfers, being pregnant twice, and not being pregnant many more times, you'd think I would have complete clarity on whether or not a cycle worked. In fact, I feel like I really know my body well. However, this 2ww definitely confused me. I knew in my heart from about 8dpt that I wasn't pregnant. I didn't have any of the symptoms I've had in the past; however, every other BFN cycle, I got my period before my scheduled beta. This time, nothing. Not even one tiny bit of spotting. I was doing 2 Cr.i.none suppositories per day and maybe that level of progesterone was just higher than in the past so it held off AF. What was also completely strange (TMI WARNING) is that on Saturday, I found some bits of gray matter that had come out on the suppository stick, which I have come to know from my miscarriages to be fetal matter. I tried to act like I didn't see it. I tried to convince myself that maybe that wasn't it because after all, I wasn't bleeding. But deep down, I know what I saw.

So, it's now 3pm and I finally broke down and called my RE's office. Usually they call by noon. I held off on any pills or suppositories today because I feel like they were a waste, but it's late, so if by some crazy chance I am wrong, I need to know! They said they haven't seen the lab report and would make some calls and get back to me. So I wait.

3 cheers for Hubby!

My husband's aunt has a holiday party every other year. She has about 40 people for a sit down meal with about 20 courses....ok 5, but it feels like 20! It's mostly their friends and then some family, so most of the people are in their 50's-70's. So bear with me as I paint this picture. We are all called into one room and stand in a circle. My aunt then instructs everyone to go around and introduce themselves and share something they have done that year. We start around the room and hear about wonderful trips to faraway destinations from the other guests and then almost every.single.one proceeds to say how they are completely in love with their [insert number] of wonderful grandchildren who bring such joy to their lives, yadda, yadda, yadda. So as I am thinking back through the year and realize we have been NO WHERE (which is odd for us because we love to travel) and I realize it's because we never know our F'ing schedule because of stupid infertility treatments. So WTH am I gonna say?? I finally come up with my line. So we go around 3/4 of the room before it's our turn. My husband is first and guess what he says???? He said, "Well, we've spent the entire year trying to make some grandkids with no success." I was somewhat in shock, but somewhat elated. I want people to know that this shit doesn't always come easy. And then the comments came. One lovely lady yells out, "Oh, just stop trying and then it will happen." And then from the other side of the room a gentleman yells, "I can come over and help you with that!!" Bursts of laughter. It was kinda funny, I guess. I was proud though....proud of my husband for saying what we REALLY did this year, and hopefully after some of the wine wears off, maybe that little bit of information will stick with those folks in case one day one of their grandchildren have problems too.

Nada

There's absolutely nothing going on over here in terms of pregnancy symptoms. I would say with about 99% certainty that this FET didn't work. It's to the point that I wish AF would just show up so I could drink (A LOT) at the Christmas party we are supposed to attend tomorrow night.

2 Little Stockings

I love Christmastime for many reasons: the music, snuggling up in a blanket by the fire, sipping on yummy hot chocolate, reflecting on things and people I am thankful for, wrapping presents, and lots of other things. However, there are so many days that those bits of joy are overshadowed by gloom thanks to stupid infertility.

I actually think something is wrong with me because I have come to despise Christmas cards. I mean, who hates Christmas cards??? I think my middle name is Scrooge. Everyone sends these cute little cards with pictures of their perfect family and every year I am left to figure out what the heck to send. I have a friend that doesn't have kids and she puts pics of her and her husband, usually pictures from trips they took that year. I considered doing that, but to me, it just paints the perfect picture of what is NOT there - a child. Granted, I doubt anyone else would see it that way, but I do and I hate it.

I hate the fact that year after year we have our same two cheapo stockings. I had in my mind that I would order up some nice stockings from Pottery Barn when we have a child and can all have pretty matching ones with our names on them. Yeah - not happening.

I absolutely love shopping for little outfits and toys for nieces, nephews, and children of my friends, and I constantly find myself keeping that special outfit because it's so stinking cute and I want my OWN child to wear it someday.

I hate the stupid dynamics of trying to figure out if we are going to see my family or my husband's family this year and I dream of the day we can stay home and have our OWN Christmas traditions.

I feel like I have had these dreams for so long and each Christmas, I realize that another year has passed and they are not coming to fruition. I want so badly to believe that I will look back on these years as a small blip on the radar screen and chuckle to myself that I should have savored the peace and quiet of the season because now I have a house full of bustling kids up at 4am wanting to see what Santa brought. But I am scared out of my mind that that day will never come.

Head Trash

The stupid 2ww creates such head trash. The past 24 hours my brain has gone something like this....

I am now 6 days past a day 6 blastoycyst transfer. I'm pretty sure I should be feeling something by now. My boobs are huge and sore, but that's just the progesterone. I am starting to get some cramping, but I'm pretty sure that is pre-period cramps. I shouldn't think such negative thoughts. I am probably causing this not to work by thinking the worst. I should just try to have faith that this should work and wait until the very end. But who am I kidding? I know my body and my body is telling me that this didn't work. So, why should I live in a dreamland? So, if this cycle doesn't work, should we just try again next month or should we take a break? I think the center is closed in either December or January. I need to check on that. So if these embryos didn't take, I wonder if the whole "batch" was messed up and that means our other two frozen embryos won't work either - maybe they were bad eggs or too much poking and prodding from the 2 PGD biopsies and the freezing process. So, should we go through another fresh cycle if we use all of these up? No - this is ridiculous - I have done 4 egg retrievals and 3 FET's. Why are we going to continue to beat our heads against the wall and waste our hard-earned money? Maybe I should look up those adoption seminars again. No, I don't feel ready for that. I should stop feeling sorry for myself. Seriously, there are people like Elizabeth Edwards who were just told that she has WEEKS left to live. And there is my friend of a friend, who just found out her husband has been cheating on her and is caught up in some work gambling scandal and she now is getting divorced and starting over at 30. I could have these problems. So stop feeling sorry for yourself.

But, somehow none of those thoughts stop heaviness in my heart and the tears from flowing.

Progesterone Boobs

I hate progesterone. I could do a whole post about the various types of progesterone because I think I have used every one known to man and how I hate the leakage and various other things about actually having to use it. But right now, during this 2ww, I hate it because it confuses the hell out of me.

It makes my boobs feel all....what's the word....pregnant. They feel so full and heavy on top. At night, I take off my bra and for about a minute, I try and figure out if my boobs are feeling the way they do because of my push-up bra, the progesterone or if it's the first pregnancy symptoms. My first 2 IVF cycles, I DID get pregnant and so I remember how it felt. The last 2 IVF cycles, I really thought I was pregnant again because my boobs felt the same as they did when I was pregnant. What I didn't realize is that it was the progesterone talking. So now I'm all over-analyzing everything and it's driving me crazy.

I am not feeling any of the other pregnancy symptoms I had in the past and I have this pit in the bottom of my stomach with the thought that this didn't work again, but I am really trying not to think negative thoughts. I still have a week to go and am trying to keep my chin up until proven otherwise.

I love Sundaes...especially with CHERRIES ON TOP!

I want to thank my bloggy friend, KC from You Wouldn’t Even Make an Omelette with Stale Eggs for such a sweet gesture and giving me my first award!

I am new to blogging and still am fairly clueless, so bear with me…

The general guidelines are to link back to the person who awarded you, then pick five blogs to pass the award to. Just save the picture and paste it into your next post. Comment on the blogs to whom you've bestowed the award so they know they've got it.

I want to pass this award along to the following amazing ladies:

• The Baby Baker from Venting Vagina who just got a BFP with amazing beta numbers!
• Megan from Bottoms on and On a Break previously known as “Bottoms off and on the Table” who has been through tremendous heartbreak and although she hasn’t been blogging that often lately, she has some AMAZING posts that just seem to resonate with everyone.
• Running Mama from More Room in my Heart who has just suffered a BFN.
• Keya from Stolen Fertility…and my quest to find it who is currently enjoying a much deserved vacation and is in her 2ww.
• Maria from Mission: Fertile soul who is deciding her next steps and is always seems to leave the sweetest comments for others. (I just saw that Maria just received this award from someone else, so please don’t feel like you have to do double the work. I just wanted to recognize you anyway!)

2 Blasts Transferred, 2 in the Freezer

Everything went smooth at my FET yesterday, aside from the fact that my doctor was 1 HOUR late and I almost peed my pants! During that wait, I talked to the head of the IVF Center, who is such a gem. He has been just amazing through this whole process. He said they thawed 2 of the blastocysts that morning and 1 didn't do well, so they thawed a third. We ended up with 1 "good" blastocyst and 1 "fair" one. He didn't provide me numbers. He said he was very encouraged by the one and wouldn't rule the other one out. We joked that these little ones would be like Superman if they make it after all the trauma they have been through (and yep, they are both boys!) Gotta love what PGD tells you! So, we shall see. Here are the pics of my beauties. You'll notice they are hatching...part of that is because of holes that were lasered for the PGD biopsy.


On to the 2ww. My first beta isn't until 12/13. Isn't that kind of late??