I love Christmastime for many reasons: the music, snuggling up in a blanket by the fire, sipping on yummy hot chocolate, reflecting on things and people I am thankful for, wrapping presents, and lots of other things. However, there are so many days that those bits of joy are overshadowed by gloom thanks to stupid infertility.
I actually think something is wrong with me because I have come to despise Christmas cards. I mean, who hates Christmas cards??? I think my middle name is Scrooge. Everyone sends these cute little cards with pictures of their perfect family and every year I am left to figure out what the heck to send. I have a friend that doesn't have kids and she puts pics of her and her husband, usually pictures from trips they took that year. I considered doing that, but to me, it just paints the perfect picture of what is NOT there - a child. Granted, I doubt anyone else would see it that way, but I do and I hate it.
I hate the fact that year after year we have our same two cheapo stockings. I had in my mind that I would order up some nice stockings from Pottery Barn when we have a child and can all have pretty matching ones with our names on them. Yeah - not happening.
I absolutely love shopping for little outfits and toys for nieces, nephews, and children of my friends, and I constantly find myself keeping that special outfit because it's so stinking cute and I want my OWN child to wear it someday.
I hate the stupid dynamics of trying to figure out if we are going to see my family or my husband's family this year and I dream of the day we can stay home and have our OWN Christmas traditions.
I feel like I have had these dreams for so long and each Christmas, I realize that another year has passed and they are not coming to fruition. I want so badly to believe that I will look back on these years as a small blip on the radar screen and chuckle to myself that I should have savored the peace and quiet of the season because now I have a house full of bustling kids up at 4am wanting to see what Santa brought. But I am scared out of my mind that that day will never come.
You are not the only scrooge out there. My hubby and I had a big fight because we have this Pottery Barn card holder (it's an xmas tree that hangs on the wall and holds xmas cards). I didn't want to put it up. I didn't want to see all those perfect little families and their perfect little lives that know nothing of the pain and suffering that we are enduring.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard. No way around that.
Here's hoping for good news for you!
Christmas cards are hard for me too. Its so hard to see others with their cute families when we want one so badly. I don't even put up stockings right now. But someday, I will, and they will be beautiful and there will be more than 2. ANd I agree. I can't WAIT till the day that Christmas morning is in my own home, with my children, my coffee pot, my bed.... I'm so w/ ya sista! So with ya.
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