Thursday, December 16, 2010
Feeling Nervous
I don't know why, but I am so uneasy. Scratch that - I DO know why given my history. I just hate it. I am so freaking nervous. I did great...for about a day. I allowed myself to dream of having a huge belly next summer at the beach and that this would be THE LAST childless Christmas. But, then the fear just keeps creeping back in. I wish I had done the second beta even though my doctor's office told me I didn't need to so I had some reassurance. I want to pee on a stick and make sure it gets darker, but I am almost too scared of it going terribly wrong that I would rather be ignorant. Isn't that ridiculous?? I hate this gray crap that I am still seeing. It can't possibly be good. Yesterday, I thought I was starting to have some weird food reactions because I wanted nothing to do with sweets and I am a huge sweets girl, but today, cookie monster is back! Yesterday, I thought I had noticed a change in my boobs (surely they are bigger) and this morning, nope - pretty normal. I am just scared to death to put my heart out there and have it be ripped out again. I just don't think I can handle it. I had a friend tell me that for the first trimester she basically wouldn't admit or say the words she was pregnant. She just said, "Apparently I have HCG in my blood." I can seriously see why she did that. I am terrified I am going to go to the U/S next week and be told something is terribly wrong. I always thought your body would let you know if something was wrong, until I had a missed miscarriage and I didn't know a damn thing until I walked through those doors, happily gazed up at the screen to see my two babies and then hear the worst words I think I ever heard..."Neither one has a heartbeat. I am so sorry." This is just another reason that IF completely SUCKS...it robs you of the joy you should be allowed to experience during this special time. Am I incredibly grateful for the chance? Absolutely. But I also scared out of my damn mind.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I can only imagine the tension you are currently undergoing. Its not fair that IF are robbed of the chance to be ecstatic (and announce your BFP on facebook like most fertiles do).
ReplyDeleteKeep praying and everything will be alright...keeping you in my thoughts :)
You have every right to be nervous, scared. When I was pregnant, even without going through what you have been through, I honestly didn't get excited or let myself read any pregnancy books, baby books, or buy anything until I was 20 weeks along and CLEARLY had a belly. In due time you will get nauseau and that will help. You just have to remind yourself that having a healthy baby is more likely than not. Find a way to balance out the negative thoughts with positive thoughts.
ReplyDeleteYou are in my thoughts. I have hope for you and will be sending some your way!
ReplyDeletei can so understand your feelings of fer. try your best to be hopeful but live in the present. we're here for you!
ReplyDeleteEvery pregnant person has worry and anxiety its just part of being a mommy but I have to saying being a pregnant IFers does make it a little more stressful! My best advice is lean on God right now and let Him carry you through this stressful time! Fear is not what He wants in our hearts and I know its nearly impossible when dealing with this high stakes baby game. Rest in the assurance of your high beta keep repeating the 2400 number post it note it all over your house!!! I cant wait to hear great news on Christmas Eve!
ReplyDeleteyou are allowed to feel this way. these are your emotions and you have to allow space to deal with them. but i know you're gonna get great news next week. :)
ReplyDeletehang in there and i would stay away from the pee sticks. just work on visualizing that everything is as it should be in there.
thinking of you! and your lil baby(ies)!
Hurry up and get here, next week!!
ReplyDeleteYeah, people like us can't help but worry and expect the worst. But don't fret that you're setting a bad tone for the whole pregnancy. If it all works out (and the odds are TOTALLY on your side) you'll have many, many weeks to wallow in joy. The fist in your chest with unclench a little with each milestone.