The stupid 2ww creates such head trash. The past 24 hours my brain has gone something like this....
I am now 6 days past a day 6 blastoycyst transfer. I'm pretty sure I should be feeling something by now. My boobs are huge and sore, but that's just the progesterone. I am starting to get some cramping, but I'm pretty sure that is pre-period cramps. I shouldn't think such negative thoughts. I am probably causing this not to work by thinking the worst. I should just try to have faith that this should work and wait until the very end. But who am I kidding? I know my body and my body is telling me that this didn't work. So, why should I live in a dreamland? So, if this cycle doesn't work, should we just try again next month or should we take a break? I think the center is closed in either December or January. I need to check on that. So if these embryos didn't take, I wonder if the whole "batch" was messed up and that means our other two frozen embryos won't work either - maybe they were bad eggs or too much poking and prodding from the 2 PGD biopsies and the freezing process. So, should we go through another fresh cycle if we use all of these up? No - this is ridiculous - I have done 4 egg retrievals and 3 FET's. Why are we going to continue to beat our heads against the wall and waste our hard-earned money? Maybe I should look up those adoption seminars again. No, I don't feel ready for that. I should stop feeling sorry for myself. Seriously, there are people like Elizabeth Edwards who were just told that she has WEEKS left to live. And there is my friend of a friend, who just found out her husband has been cheating on her and is caught up in some work gambling scandal and she now is getting divorced and starting over at 30. I could have these problems. So stop feeling sorry for yourself.
But, somehow none of those thoughts stop heaviness in my heart and the tears from flowing.
But, you aren't Elizabeth Edwards. You aren't your friend. You are living your own life with your own sorrows that are just as real to you. Take care these next few days and know that whatever the outcome you are strong enough to survive.
ReplyDeleteHey--the homestudy was fine, but I've been wavering on whether we want to go through an adoption agency or independent. I've read that independent is faster and cheaper and...well, after spending $25K on IVF crap this year...cheaper is better. They definitely want you to be DONE with fertility treatments before you move towards adoption. I have been reading a couple of books, too, that you might find helpful. I'll have to send you their titles when I get home. I have a couple of friends in my neighborhood that have adoption (2 int'l, 1 domestic) so it has been really interesting learning about their experiences. Want to email me?? dcrunningmamablog AT gmail DOT com
ReplyDeleteWow. Lots of typos in that. Tired.
ReplyDeletehang in there. i know how much the 2ww sucks, but you can do it! stay positive! thisisgoingtowork!!!
ReplyDeletei so know this spiral of thinking. its so hard to not go down that path of desperation and then guilt. but running mamma is right, everyone's pain/sorry is unique to them and can not be compared to others.
ReplyDeletehugs! and hope this 2ww goes by fast.
I also did a 6 day transfer...I call the 2WW The TWO WEEK WAIT CRAZIES! It really messes with your head! I am praying your results are better than mine- chemical pregnancy- but it was our first and we plan are planning our second for july 2011. Sending baby dust your way! Your symptoms sound very promising!
ReplyDeleteFeel free to visit my blog about our IVF journey www.ashleybwrites.blogspot.com
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