Someone Pinch Me

I basically didn't sleep at all last night. I woke up at 1:30am and reminded myself of what had happened and my mind just spun and spun and so I tossed and turned for the next 5 hours...and hubby about killed me!!

A couple of things:
· I forgot to mention this yesterday, but my doctor's office said I didn't even need to do the second beta tomorrow because my numbers were already so high. I have never heard of this. Have you??
· I am still confused about gray matter I am seeing. I asked the nurse about this and she said it is just coming from my vagina. Huh?? First, that's kinda gross. Second, what is causing it? I guess the progesterone, but doesn't that seem strange?
· The Christmas Eve ultrasound. Yesterday that sounded wonderful. Now I am starting to wonder if that was a good idea. What if it's bad news? Do I really want to ruin this Christmas (and probably every one thereafter)?
· What is a healthy mindset? I am thinking "cautiously optimistic." I am ranging from basically being in complete denial and feeling like they really must have mixed my blood up with someone else's to seeing my dreams within reach again but so scared to grab them only to have them ripped away.

I can really say that I was pretty low on hope and was somewhat just going through the motions. I think it was my defense mechanism kicking in. I have just been hurt too many times. This new news has definitely brought hope back into my life in a hurry, but it also scares the crap out of me. I am immensely grateful for this chance and am just PRAYING this is “it.” Thank you all for your support. It means so much.

Just Waiting for Bad News...

I dutifully did my progesterone suppositories and went for my scheduled beta this morning even though I know in my heart this didn't work. The only thing that has me confused is that I don't have my period, which is weird for me.

After going through 5 transfers, being pregnant twice, and not being pregnant many more times, you'd think I would have complete clarity on whether or not a cycle worked. In fact, I feel like I really know my body well. However, this 2ww definitely confused me. I knew in my heart from about 8dpt that I wasn't pregnant. I didn't have any of the symptoms I've had in the past; however, every other BFN cycle, I got my period before my scheduled beta. This time, nothing. Not even one tiny bit of spotting. I was doing 2 Cr.i.none suppositories per day and maybe that level of progesterone was just higher than in the past so it held off AF. What was also completely strange (TMI WARNING) is that on Saturday, I found some bits of gray matter that had come out on the suppository stick, which I have come to know from my miscarriages to be fetal matter. I tried to act like I didn't see it. I tried to convince myself that maybe that wasn't it because after all, I wasn't bleeding. But deep down, I know what I saw.

So, it's now 3pm and I finally broke down and called my RE's office. Usually they call by noon. I held off on any pills or suppositories today because I feel like they were a waste, but it's late, so if by some crazy chance I am wrong, I need to know! They said they haven't seen the lab report and would make some calls and get back to me. So I wait.

Nada

There's absolutely nothing going on over here in terms of pregnancy symptoms. I would say with about 99% certainty that this FET didn't work. It's to the point that I wish AF would just show up so I could drink (A LOT) at the Christmas party we are supposed to attend tomorrow night.

2 Blasts Transferred, 2 in the Freezer

Everything went smooth at my FET yesterday, aside from the fact that my doctor was 1 HOUR late and I almost peed my pants! During that wait, I talked to the head of the IVF Center, who is such a gem. He has been just amazing through this whole process. He said they thawed 2 of the blastocysts that morning and 1 didn't do well, so they thawed a third. We ended up with 1 "good" blastocyst and 1 "fair" one. He didn't provide me numbers. He said he was very encouraged by the one and wouldn't rule the other one out. We joked that these little ones would be like Superman if they make it after all the trauma they have been through (and yep, they are both boys!) Gotta love what PGD tells you! So, we shall see. Here are the pics of my beauties. You'll notice they are hatching...part of that is because of holes that were lasered for the PGD biopsy.


On to the 2ww. My first beta isn't until 12/13. Isn't that kind of late??

Tomorrow is Transfer Day

I have been feeling pretty crappy lately. Just feeling bloated, a bit nauseous, having headaches, just overall yuck. I don't remember the estrace pills or progesterone doing that in the past with FET cycles, so I'm not sure what's going on. To top things off, I managed to catch my husband's cold. I want to be feeling my best right now, so I can be thinking positive thoughts, and instead I feel totally BLAH and am thinking about phlegm instead of happy baby thoughts. I am going to try and tough it out though because ready or not, here we are!

Transfer is tomorrow afternoon.

We have 5 frozen blastocysts. They are thawing to transfer 2, which basically means they thaw 2 and if both don't make it, they will thaw more until they have 2 for transfer. Here's hoping we have some tough ones in that batch that can withstand the 2 biopsies for PGD and the freeze/thaw process. I am secretly hoping that the first 2 embryos survive the thaw and we have the others for future cycles, but of course, I would be thrilled to even have the opportunity to transfer one. I just know how hard it is for us to make a healthy embryo, so each one of them just feels so precious. Fingers crossed for better luck this time!!

Slacker

I am being a complete slacker this cycle. I'm not sure what's going on. Usually, I am totally anal and organized and up my husband's ass to be on the ball about something. This cycle, I have completely sucked. I forgot to get my estradiol drawn last week. Because I didn't have a specific day, and could do it anytime last week, I woke up on Saturday to find my paperwork buried on the counter and let out a big, "WHOOPS!" when I realized I forgot to get it drawn and the lab was now closed for the weekend. Turns out it was no biggie and I did it on Monday. But, then I get a call today saying they have not received my faxed IVF consent form for the FET at the center and to please send ASAP. OOPS! My brain is complete mush this time!

I am thinking it's because of several things... SCRATCH.
My excuses are...

a) Frozen cycles are sooo much easier than fresh cycles. You barely have anything to do, so apparently my brain has decided to take a complete vacation from the few things I AM supposed to do!

b) My husband had laser eye surgery yesterday. We moved our scheduled FET for 11/23 out to 11/30 because the eye doctor only had 1 day left before the end of the year and I was really focused on that and getting his meds, his appts, etc.

c) I have been through this so many times that I am not as focused on the protocol because I am an "old hat" by now.

In a way I am glad I'm not obsessing as much. The time goes so much faster and I don't drive myself and my husband crazy.

On the other hand, I sometimes stop and ask myself if I really still want this - or am I just going through the motions at this point? Every time I have stopped and asked myself, I always find that I absolutely DO still want this and then proceed to begin feeling a huge ache in my heart - and so I quickly jam the door shut on that conversation with myself. I guess I have just been raked over the coals so many times and the pain has been so horrible and all-consuming for so long, that maybe it's my defense mechanism to try and not get as emotionally involved. I don't know. It's definitely kind of weird to be a slacker patient though.

FET Update

I had my ultrasound. Lining looked good and I am ready to go. HOWEVER, we decided to move the FET back a week. My husband is getting laser eye surgery on the day the transfer was supposed to be. Ordinarily we never would have moved it, but this is the last day the doctor could do it this year, and given we have been waiting forever for this FET, what's another week? We laughed at the possibility of my parents driving my half-blind husband and valium'ed up me to my transfer and quickly decided that was a bad idea. So we are on for Nov. 30th! Hoping we have some tough embryos!!

Holy PMS

Not too much to report, other than a whole lotta PMS going on. Major headaches (guessing that's somewhat from the Estrace) and plenty of crying. It didn't help that I attended a funeral yesterday.

So, my tentative FET date is 11/23. We had to decide if we should squeeze it in before Thanksgiving or do it the following week. I figured I would give the 23rd a whirl and then if my lining isn't quite ready, we can push it off if need be. I go in for an U/S on 11/16 to check the status and figure out our gameplan.

Lots of emotions....Excited to FINALLY get started (my stupid cycles are SO long!), but also scared of another failure. Scared that we thaw all 5 embryos and NONE survive the thaw. I have been so set on definitely having a transfer, but there are no guarantees in this program. Terrified about "what's next" given this is our last shot in shared risk. Weirded out thinking about the possibility that depending on which embryos they decide to thaw, that the embryologist could be deciding the order of our children. While I think about these things, I am not obsessing like I used to. I'm sure my husband is pleased I am not doing any of those 3am "I can't sleep" wake up sessions with my mind spinning about things. At least not yet...