Tomorrow is Transfer Day

I have been feeling pretty crappy lately. Just feeling bloated, a bit nauseous, having headaches, just overall yuck. I don't remember the estrace pills or progesterone doing that in the past with FET cycles, so I'm not sure what's going on. To top things off, I managed to catch my husband's cold. I want to be feeling my best right now, so I can be thinking positive thoughts, and instead I feel totally BLAH and am thinking about phlegm instead of happy baby thoughts. I am going to try and tough it out though because ready or not, here we are!

Transfer is tomorrow afternoon.

We have 5 frozen blastocysts. They are thawing to transfer 2, which basically means they thaw 2 and if both don't make it, they will thaw more until they have 2 for transfer. Here's hoping we have some tough ones in that batch that can withstand the 2 biopsies for PGD and the freeze/thaw process. I am secretly hoping that the first 2 embryos survive the thaw and we have the others for future cycles, but of course, I would be thrilled to even have the opportunity to transfer one. I just know how hard it is for us to make a healthy embryo, so each one of them just feels so precious. Fingers crossed for better luck this time!!

Slacker

I am being a complete slacker this cycle. I'm not sure what's going on. Usually, I am totally anal and organized and up my husband's ass to be on the ball about something. This cycle, I have completely sucked. I forgot to get my estradiol drawn last week. Because I didn't have a specific day, and could do it anytime last week, I woke up on Saturday to find my paperwork buried on the counter and let out a big, "WHOOPS!" when I realized I forgot to get it drawn and the lab was now closed for the weekend. Turns out it was no biggie and I did it on Monday. But, then I get a call today saying they have not received my faxed IVF consent form for the FET at the center and to please send ASAP. OOPS! My brain is complete mush this time!

I am thinking it's because of several things... SCRATCH.
My excuses are...

a) Frozen cycles are sooo much easier than fresh cycles. You barely have anything to do, so apparently my brain has decided to take a complete vacation from the few things I AM supposed to do!

b) My husband had laser eye surgery yesterday. We moved our scheduled FET for 11/23 out to 11/30 because the eye doctor only had 1 day left before the end of the year and I was really focused on that and getting his meds, his appts, etc.

c) I have been through this so many times that I am not as focused on the protocol because I am an "old hat" by now.

In a way I am glad I'm not obsessing as much. The time goes so much faster and I don't drive myself and my husband crazy.

On the other hand, I sometimes stop and ask myself if I really still want this - or am I just going through the motions at this point? Every time I have stopped and asked myself, I always find that I absolutely DO still want this and then proceed to begin feeling a huge ache in my heart - and so I quickly jam the door shut on that conversation with myself. I guess I have just been raked over the coals so many times and the pain has been so horrible and all-consuming for so long, that maybe it's my defense mechanism to try and not get as emotionally involved. I don't know. It's definitely kind of weird to be a slacker patient though.

FET Update

I had my ultrasound. Lining looked good and I am ready to go. HOWEVER, we decided to move the FET back a week. My husband is getting laser eye surgery on the day the transfer was supposed to be. Ordinarily we never would have moved it, but this is the last day the doctor could do it this year, and given we have been waiting forever for this FET, what's another week? We laughed at the possibility of my parents driving my half-blind husband and valium'ed up me to my transfer and quickly decided that was a bad idea. So we are on for Nov. 30th! Hoping we have some tough embryos!!

Finding Humor in an RE Visit

You know this drill....

You're sitting in the RE office waiting room. Everyone buried in their book or magazine. Silence that could cut glass.

The waiting room door opens and the cheerful nurse announces, "Debbie....come on back."

You go back, pee if you need to, go into the room and are given your instruction, which for me has slimmed down to 2 words...."Waist. Down." I know the drill.

I take off my pants and underwear and neatly fold them on the chair. I am not sure why I feel the need to hide my underwear when the doc is about to come in and get a full frontal shot.

I digress....

I hop up on the table and cover myself in the sheet. I try and tuck it around my backside because my shirt isn't coming down quite far enough and I feel like I am going to moon my doc right as he walks in the room.

My legs hang over the end of the table and I kick them around a little. I look down at those little cotton stirrup covers donning the brand of some drug company logo and am thankful I remembered to wear socks because they are getting pretty funky. The white white is gone and instead have a brownish tint and little pulls in the cotton. I am just glad I don't have to put my bare feet in them. Don't these drug companies make enough money they can get my doc some new ones?

So, I sit there and gaze up at the Chinese Conception Chart posted on the wall and find the month conceived and my age and see if I am having a girl or boy. I begin to wonder - so "month conceived" I wonder if that means really when this baby was conceived....because that would have been September when I did my egg retrieval and the eggs were fertilized, but now it is November when I'm doing my frozen cycle, so hmmmm...which one should I use???

And then I hear a door close and my doctor's voice and I wonder if he is coming in my room, so I straighten up my posture and get my sheet on just right, and then I hear him enter another room and begin talking to another patient.

Slouch. Back to my Chinese Conception Chart. So where was I? Oh yeah...September or November? Well, let's just look at both. I am having a girl either way. Perfect!

My eyes gaze over to the infertility literature on the wall and I think about how I read that very brochure 2 years ago when I first walked in this office. Didn't they get some new materials by now?

And then I looked at the pile of condoms (or ultrasound protection thingies) laid out on the table. And the ultrasound gel. And how one day I would have immaturely giggled at the thought of KY and Condoms at the doctor's office and probably even contemplated stealing some for my personal use.

I look at my watch. How freakin' long have I been sitting here??? It has to have been at least 15 minutes. Seriously....why can't they just leave me to my People magazine out in the waiting room if my doc isn't ready???

And then I realize there is a stack of magazines on the counter. Ok, perfect. I can read one here. Of course it's not People, but "Cooking Light" should having something interesting. And then I pause. I look at the distance to the counter and know that given my luck, my doctor is going to walk in at the very moment I am off the table and darting across the room, bare ass, to get my Cooking Light magazine. Or maybe I make it back to the table and start reading it....what am I supposed to do with the magazine when he comes in and is ready for the exam. Put it on my stomach??? Throw it on the floor??? Keep reading??? At this point, I probably could.

So I stay put and stare longingly at the Cooking Light magazine from afar. Is that a lemon tarte recipe???

I look back at my watch and surely it's been 25 minutes by now. Should I go out there? I am going to say something this time. I mean - this is ridiculous. I know his time is valuable, but mine is too. I am supposed to be at work right now. I have shit to do. I am going to say something this time.....

I hear some rumbling outside my door. Sounds like he is reading my chart. I'm sure he is thinking, "oh yeah, here's my pain in the ass patient who can't understand why she's had 2 miscarriages." He opens the door and says, "Hey Deb! I'm so sorry you're back, but I always enjoy seeing your smiling face" letting me know he remembers me and he cares.

My tough-guy act of cussing him out for making me wait and not valuing my time disappears as I laugh with him at the struggle we've been through...together. I can't be mad at him because my future is in his hands. He is my chance at a baby. I really do feel like he wants this to work almost as bad as I do. And I love him for that.

Holy PMS

Not too much to report, other than a whole lotta PMS going on. Major headaches (guessing that's somewhat from the Estrace) and plenty of crying. It didn't help that I attended a funeral yesterday.

So, my tentative FET date is 11/23. We had to decide if we should squeeze it in before Thanksgiving or do it the following week. I figured I would give the 23rd a whirl and then if my lining isn't quite ready, we can push it off if need be. I go in for an U/S on 11/16 to check the status and figure out our gameplan.

Lots of emotions....Excited to FINALLY get started (my stupid cycles are SO long!), but also scared of another failure. Scared that we thaw all 5 embryos and NONE survive the thaw. I have been so set on definitely having a transfer, but there are no guarantees in this program. Terrified about "what's next" given this is our last shot in shared risk. Weirded out thinking about the possibility that depending on which embryos they decide to thaw, that the embryologist could be deciding the order of our children. While I think about these things, I am not obsessing like I used to. I'm sure my husband is pleased I am not doing any of those 3am "I can't sleep" wake up sessions with my mind spinning about things. At least not yet...

P90X + Period = Bad Idea

This weekend I was feeling bloated and my hubby was doing one of his P90X videos, so I decided to join him. Have you ever tried P90X? Those people are superhuman! I did the video called Ab Ripper X. Big mistake. Aunt Flo decided to FINALLY arrive and I feel like someone has tied my stomach muscles in knots. Headache, cramps, and sore abs all together is so not cool. And I still look and feel bloated. Awesome.



The good news is that CD1 is here and that means we are one day closer to our FET. Woo hoo! I am still so frustrated by what happened this past cycle and that we have had to wait so long, but trying to remain optimistic since we have 5 frozen blastocysts that are chromosomally normal. Now I just have to pray that we have one (or more) tough cookies in there!

Crème de la Crème

The extremely talented and infamous LollipopGoldstein has opened up the "Creme de la Creme" for this year. If you aren't familiar, you definitely need to check it out. It's basically the best infertility blog posts of the year!

I have read many blog posts over my years of infertility, but never decided to blog on my own until recently. I think you long-term bloggers call it "lurking" although I did leave comments periodically ; )

Anyhoo....I decided to check out some of the posts on the Creme de la Creme list from 2009 and guess what I found?????

TONS of these folks from the 2009 Creme de la Creme HAVE BABIES!

Now some of them had babies at the time, but many of them were right in the midst of their infertility struggles.

What made it especially powerful is that I clicked on the link to the article that was selected for the Creme list. Many times, I read about their pain, their struggles, the anger, the sadness....the raw emotion that earned that spot on the Creme list....and then I clicked on their header to see what they were up to now....
and time after time, it was their newborn baby.

I stumbled upon one, and thought, "Hmmm, isn't that neat? Here she was blogging in 2009 about her infertility struggles and the next year, she is posting about her newborn."
And then I read more, and more pregnancies...and babies...

I don't know why, but when I follow people's stories day-to-day and hear of their success, it's like they are on "the other side." They have moved on. And I am left behind. It's so personal.
But this was not a day-to-day snapshot, this was a year-to-year snapshot, and many blogs I had never read....which somehow made those successes a bit easier to swallow, not so "in your face" or something.

And it was the numbers. It wasn't just one story (not that each an every story isn't amazingly special), but there was power in the numbers. This didn't just happen once or twice...it happened A LOT. Dreams were being realized. Battles won. For many (or dare I say, most) people, this WILL work out in the end.

But, alas, back to the personal aspect and that they are there and I am here, childless....
but what I realized after reading so many entries from that Creme list and seeing their outcomes, is that they really were in my shoes at one time too. And guess what???
I could be in theirs someday too.