7 Months

Oh my! Where does the time go?! I am so delinquent in posting. My boys are doing great! They have changed so much in the last month or so. They are sitting up on their own, on all fours and rocking back and forth (close to crawling), getting their 2 bottom teeth, and eating solids. They are about 15 lbs. Baby B finally passed Baby A in weight at their last doctor's appointment. He feels so much heavier, but they always weighed and measured about the same. They are only in the 5th percentile still. I am little worried about them being small, but hopefully my little muchkins will catch up at some point.

Baby B looks just like my husband. He continues to do everything first. He is 100% on or off and is totally Mr. Independent. He plays hard and sleeps hard. He is so demanding about his food. He wants it NOW!! He LOVES solids...making "mmmmm" sounds the whole time he is eating. So funny! He is so close to crawling....I put toys out in front of his and he can get on his hands and knees and lunge forward on his belly and then get back up and lunge again. He does this for about 3 feet until he gets his toy. Such a determined little fella!! He rolls and grunts his way to whatever he wants. We call him "tumbleweed" because he just plows down whatever is in his path!

Baby A looks like me. He is my little sweetie. He laughs so easily and is so good natured. He is content to sit and watch his brother explore. He is sitting on his own and getting on all 4's, but not crawling just yet. He likes his food, but isn't quite as obsessed like his brother! He has been talking so much lately. I call it singing because it's like he is hitting a note saying, "AHHHHHHHHH!" It is so funny. He has his favorite toys and lights up when he sees his little Monkey friend. He LOVES electronics. He always wants to see my phone and gasps at the monitor if I am watching his brother taking a nap.

I started going back to work 2 days a week when they turned 6 months old....in fact on the very day they turned 6 months old, which made me feel so guilty. But, the time at work has been good. I love my babies to death, but I was getting a little burned out. It is 24 x 7 x 365. The weekends aren't the weekends....they are more of the same. And while I love spending time with them, IT.IS.EXHAUSTING. Whoever said being a Mom is the hardest job in the world was definitely spot on. I am so lucky because my Mom has been watching the boys on the days I go in to the office. Leaving them with my Mom and having peace of mind is worth so much!

I am still pumping and feeding breastmilk and even to my surprise, I am still keeping up with them. However, I have had a major challenge with the breastmilk....I just discovered that my breastmilk may have too much lipase which is causing it to sour more quickly. I will do a separate post on this in case any of you ever have to deal with this. Long story short, is that I now have to scald my milk after pumping to keep it from going "bad." So, another step in the process, which is time consuming, but I feel like I am giving my babies the best nutrition possible and keeping them from getting sick, so it's worth it.

That's about it from here!

Hope

When I started having trouble conceiving I knew of one acquaintance who had gone through fertility treatments and had a daughter using IVF. I'm not even sure I knew what IVF was at that time! ha! Anyway, over the last 3 years she has become one of my closest friends. She gave me this pillow that says "Hope" on it early in my journey. I hung it on my closet door. Every morning and evening I passed that pillow. Sometimes it gave me that extra boost I needed, sometimes a reinforcement of optimism I was feeling, sometimes I wanted to punch that pillow as I thought, "Hope! What a joke!" during a low point. Now that pillow hangs on the closet of my twins' nursery. Every time I put them down to bed or for a nap I see it and smile. I am so grateful for this gentle reminder to always have hope.

Separate Rooms

When I was pregnant I was sure I wanted my twins either in the same crib or in separate cribs, but in the same room. I read so much about how they had this bond from being in the womb together and how they comforted each other. I don't know if it's just my guys, and it's actually kind of hard to say, but they don't really care all that much about each other. In fact, it wasn't until about a month ago that they even acknowledged each other's existence. Now they will watch each other and smile at one another, but they would still much prefer to interact with adults. Anyway, I have had them in separate cribs, but the same room for quite some time. We got through sleep training (along with some crying), but toughed it out in one room. Everything I read said they will sleep through each other crying. That was true SOME of the time. I truly believe they go through sleep cycles and when they are in a deep sleep, yes, they will sleep through some crazy crying. However, if they are in a light sleep or on the verge of waking up and the other is fussing, they are done. Anyway, the latest challenge is that one of the boys has learned to roll over. Instead of sleeping during naps, he is practicing his new "skill." And he was disturbing his brother. As I began thinking about it, I realized that it is always going to be something. Soon the other one will start rolling, then they will start pulling up, and heaven forbid when they start talking to each other instead of sleeping! After lots of agonizing, I finally decided to separate them into different rooms this week. So far, it seems to be much better for both of them, but there is a part of me that feels sad or guilty or something....like I am breaking a twin bond. I guess I wanted to believe they would have that bond, that need to be together, but I never saw it. Everyone seems to sleep better when they are in different rooms, so I guess we'll go with that for now. I can always put them back together, right?

The Drill Sergeant

So, apparently this is my new nickname given by my husband. He says it in good humor, referring to my over-the-top scheduling ways. In all seriousness, this is something I am struggling with. I read lots of books while pregnant and I had planned to keep the boys on a schedule, but not be too rigid. But I am starting to question the "not too rigid" part. I basically follow this routine every day: they wake up at 6:30am, eat, play for 1 hour (or as long as they can tolerate), take a nap and then we start over 3 hours later with the same feed-play-nap routine (based on the book Baby Wise). For the most part, it has worked well. The boys nap in their cribs and know when we go into their room and it's dark it means sleepy time. There are a few challenges with this. 1) it creates 4 naps a day which I have to work around; and 2) they are so used to their schedule and routine that when I want to take them somewhere, they aren't quite sure what's going on. I want to be able to go visit friends 2 hours away, go to restaurants, do some of the things that I enjoyed, but it always seems like too much trouble and I feel like I'm messing them up, so I tend to kind of be a "homebody." I have tried to go places and have them sleep in their pack n' play. Most of the time it has been a huge failure (partially because I think one pack n' play is too small for them and it's such close quarters among two noisy sleepers), but mostly they look around like, "where the heck am I?" On Christmas Eve, one of my guys decided to go into a 45 minute scream fest. I have not seen him do that since he was like 2 months old. I still don't really know what caused it. I think the combination of being somewhere weird, overstimulation (a thousand gifts/decorations), tired (it was the witching hour afterall). Bottom line is that I was seriously ready to pack my bags and leave. He was miserable, I was miserable and I'm pretty sure no one wanted to listen to that screaming during Christmas Eve dinner. So what I am getting at is that for the 90% of the time when we are home, having a structured schedule/routine works well. It's the 10% I am struggling with when I actually want to go out in the world. I kind of feel like the only way to make them more "adaptable" is to get them out more, but there is a part of me that thinks it's just not worth the headache and that pretty soon they will only be having 2-3 naps a day and can tolerate staying up longer, so just wait it out and it will get easier as they get older. What do you think? Does it get easier? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Quick Update

I am so terribly delinquent in posting. Here is a quick update in bullet form:

• Babies are almost 5 months old. They weigh about 13 lbs each and are still pretty small for their age (about the 5th percentile). I hope they aren't little runts forever!


• I am still at home, but planning to go back to work 2 days/week at the end of January. I have mixed feelings about it, but ultimately I think it will be good for me and for the babies.


• I am still pumping up a storm. I have enough milk for the babies, who are eating 5-6 oz. 5 times a day. I am freezing about 16 oz. extra a day.


• My Mom is still here helping out, but goes home on the weekends.


• Things with hubby aren't perfect, but MUCH better than before. Thanks to everyone for their tips and advice. It was so helpful and so nice to feel not alone in my experiences.


• Sleep Training was the best thing I ever did. Hearing them cry for the few days it took was hard, but getting rest has been PRICELESS.


• One of my babies has eczema...it's been our first real challenge. I am trying various creams, oils, etc. and it seems to be improving a little bit, but still working on it after about a month.


• My guys are SO different from one another, both in looks and personalities. One is independent, the other wants to be held and cuddled. One is loud and talkative, the other not so much.

Hmmm, that's all I can think of at the moment. Everyone says how life will never be the same. Boy are they right! It's been a wild ride so far, but I can't even imagine life without my little guys now.

One Year Ago

What a difference a year makes! The last month or so has been surreal watching the "anniversary" dates on the calendar...the date of our embryo transfer, the date of our positive beta and now Christmas Eve is approaching and it is the date we drove to our RE's office and saw our babies' heartbeats on the monitor for the first time. It was so quiet and calm that day, very few people on the roads that morning, the doctor's office/hospital so still and quiet. All was calm and we saw two little blinking lights on the ultrasound monitor. Our two little shining stars. It also happens to be the day I first puked after church service that night! LOL! The dates bring back the flurry of emotions...how terrified I was, how I wanted to be hopeful, but could barely let myself, how I wanted to adore the Christmas cards we received with these picture perfect families but I still resented them, how I desperately wanted more than 2 stockings hanging from our mantle. The list goes on. The feelings overwhelming. And when I look at my two little guys sitting here, almost 5 months old, it is completely surreal. I just never believed this day would come.

Life after Babies

For years, I had images of our perfect little family. Once I was pregnant I knew we were close to achieving that. Now that the babies are here, I'm not sure how realistic I was being. Someday we may get there and be this picture perfect family of four with a mom and dad that love each other like crazy and these healthy, well behaved, well adjusted kids.... the whole 9 yards. For now that picture perfect family is just a dream.

I know I should be posting about how everything is just roses and how I am so in love with my little miracles (which I totally am and for the record completely exceed my expectations for their portion of our picture perfect family), but I want to take just a minute to say THIS IS FREAKING HARD.

I am tired. Physically and emotionally. This job is 24 x 7 and I am awake for about 20 of those 24 hours! The moments when both babies are crying and I only have one set of arms. I have had a few days where I just cry while they are crying. I long for a shower that lasts more than 2 minutes. I want to exercise to get rid of this untoned belly, but that time (and energy) doesn't exist. I want a hot cup of REAL CAFFEINATED coffee, and to drink it while it's hot! Those are some small things. The bigger thing is me and my husband.

We have been through a lot together and always had an amazing relationship, infertility and all; but these past few months have been rough. I basically don't see him through the week. He gets home from work at 6ish, we scramble around trying to eat ourselves and feed the boys and put them to bed and then I am in bed by 8pm. Then I pass him in the morning, as I am stumbling around getting bottles ready, looking like a complete zombie from being up all night and he is rested, fresh, in his suit, going to work with coffee in hand. There is a part of me that is jealous he gets to go out in the world and do whatever the hell he wants. There is a part of me that feels trapped here in my house, trapped to a breast pump 4 hours a day. I don't feel like he understands my life and I don't understand his. We don't have time to talk about it - or time to talk period.

Additionally, my Mom has been staying with us since the boys were born. I am so thankful for her help and the sleep I am able to get because she is here (and that hubby sleeps all night because she is here). Not that I should complain one bit, but I think it somewhat adds to the dysfunction of my husband and I to have someone else in the house all the time. She goes to see my dad on weekends, and that is my small little insight of what it is like as a family of 4. Those days we feel more like a normal couple, but he still has a million projects to do - cut the grass, fix things around the house, visit his grandmother, etc. I want him to just help me and hang out with the boys. I can tell he is totally in "provider" mode and feels like he has to make the money, fix things, even grocery shop and clean sometimes and while I totally appreciate all he is doing, I just want my husband back and not to feel so alone in this process.

I am guessing that much of my feelings have to do with sleep deprivation and hopefully as the boys get older, this mama will get some more sleep. I just hope that my picture perfect family is still in the cards and more importantly that we can be a great mom and dad to these boys. I just want to feel well again...not like this zombie woman who stumbles around the house all day and resents her husband for going out into the world. I feel guilty even posting this because I know there are so many people that LONG for these problems. I did too. I just needed to get this off my chest and since the primary purpose of this blog is for me to remember, that's what I am doing.