I am apparently pregnant. At least according to the 2 dollar store sticks I peed on. It says it takes 2-10 minutes for results to show and that sucker shined the most convincing + sign at me in about 3 seconds flat.
I am having a really hard time processing all my emotions right now. We have 2 beautiful twin boys who recently turned 2. We have 2 embryos in the freezer that have already undergone PGD and we know are chromosomally normal. When I started the IVF process, I understood that you need lots of embryos and hopefully through the statistics (and God willing) that one (or more) would work. I was "ok" with the fact that not all of the embryos would turn into babies and we may not need all of the embryos to make our family. But for some reason, now that my two little peanuts are here on earth and I know they started in that very same place as those 2 frozen embryos (in fact it was the same IVF round and the embryologist just happened to pick my boys to transfer that day. It could have been the other two). Anyway, I just feel like they could be my babies waiting there for me. I have contemplated embryo donation and giving them to research and I just can't seem to get there. BUT....I kind of always wanted 2 kids. My husband and I are pretty content with our little family. So, when the annual fee for embryo storage came, it prompted this discussion and I think we basically had decided we'll wait for now, but maybe in another year, we'll feel like we are ready. I have also considered transferring just one embryo (because twins are tough!) but I know I will have the same feeling that I need to go back for the last one at some point and I don't want to be well into my 40's by the time this is all done.
So, then came our surprise. My period hasn't shown up in a while. Not totally strange because my cycles are wacky anyway. But, it started feeling like a really long time. Then, I started having some weird stuff going on...feeling nauseous after eating, not really into my morning coffee, feeling pressure in my diaphragm, and my pooch belly which seemed even more prominent (I still haven't totally gotten my stomach back to pre-pregnancy days). I started thinking, "Could I be pregnant?" But I reminded myself that my husband and I don't have sex all that often and even when we do, I know where in my cycle I am and usually try and play it safe. And yes - I am the idiot that told the doctor after having my twins that I don't need birth control because we tried for 4 years and my husband has no normal sperm and my cycles are wacked and there is not a chance in hell that I am getting pregnant. INSERT FOOT INTO MOUTH.
So, I finally decided to take the plunge yesterday and used an expired pregnancy test at home and the thing immediately turned positive. I think I stared at it and read the directions 3 times over to make sure I really understood the test result versus the control area. I knew what I saw. Today, I went by the store and bought a new test and yep, confirmed - positive.
So I am that girl that could not get pregnant to save her life and now, I am the girl that wasn't on birth control and oops - got knocked up and have no idea how far along I am. I heard these stories...I did...getting pregnant on your own after years of infertility, but I was not going to be one of them. My husband and I are total fertile failures.
I am feeling really overwhelmed for so many reasons. I know that with my husband's balanced translocation, there is a fairly high probability that I could miscarry. I also know that I am pregnant until proven otherwise.
I also know that I dropped the maternity coverage on my health insurance and have no maternity coverage. Awesome planning.
I know I sound bitter and probably like a complete bitch to be complaining on an infertility blog that I am pregnant. And I do have to admit that I have this flutter of giddy-up that my husband and I actually got pregnant on our own. Holy shit - we really did it!! And the smile I can't wipe off my face thinking about little boy and girl names and cuddling a newborn again. But I am also feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of caring for a third baby, having to pay for medical expenses out of pocket, buy a new car to fit our family and the realization that I might have 2 more babies waiting for me. I never, ever envisioned myself as a mom of 5!!!
I actually was kind of looking forward to going back to work full time and regaining some of "me" sometime soon. I love being a Mommy, but I feel like that is all I am anymore. Being in the financial services industry, I also know how incredibly expensive children are and trying to pay for their college is almost unaffordable these days, but it's something my parents did for me and something I had hoped to give my children.
So, now being the irresponsible person that I am - I guess I have to call the doctor and tell them I am knocked up. I don't even know the process for a normal pregnancy.
Why does life have to be so complicated?
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