Ok, so this definitely isn't an infertility related post...more like a post on toddlers and family dynamics, but this is my outlet, so here goes....
My BIL/SIL and I have kids 2 months apart from one another. We thought this would be awesome; that all 3 cousins would be so close and instant playmates (they live nearby and our family sees a lot of each other). Instead, it has kind of turned out to be a disaster. Their little girl is extremely outgoing. She runs up and hugs anyone (even people she doesn't really know, which I find kind of strange). She is happy, independent, and VERY loving and hands on. All great qualities, but in my opinion, she can be very overbearing (e.g., she tackled me as I am trying to sit on the floor and eat lunch and it sent my plate flying). My boys are not shy, but one in particular clams up a bit around larger groups and just wants to know where I am, or if he gets in an uncomfortable situation, he comes back to me. My other boy is pretty outgoing and independent himself, but not nearly to the extent of his cousin. Anyway, every time we get together, we have this awkward dynamic and it is never a positive experience. She immediately tackles and bear hugs my boys as soon as she sees them. They hate it, especially my quieter one and now that he is talking he says, "No hug!" and swats at her. If one of my boys sits in a chair, she comes up and starts rocking it. They don't want that. They want to rock on their own. She is constantly messing with them and they just want to be left alone. I feel like she appears to the family as this happy, loving girl; while my boys look like they are total sticks-in-the-mud. Her parents (my BIL/SIL) don't really try and reign her in. Often, me and DH have to tell her to leave them alone or suggest that our kids move away if they don't like it. It's really uncomfortable and I am not sure what to do about it. Any thoughts/suggestions?
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Infertility Never Leaves Us
I know that title isn't rocket science. I always knew it would be a part of me, but I have to say that the last two years, raising my twin boys has been a top priority and because we weren't TTC, infertility was never at the forefront of my mind, which was a huge change given it consumed me for so many years.
A few things have happened recently that I thought we worth writing about.
1) I am in awe every day that I wake up and I am pregnant. I am in awe that I don't have to insert progesterone suppositories, take medication and baby aspirin. My body is just working. And to me, that is a miracle.
2) I still detest people who get pregnant easily and have no appreciation for how difficult it is for so many people. My SIL is apparently pregnant. I say apparently because she has not officially announced, however, wearing belly bands, the size of her tummy, and her comments speak otherwise. She casually drops in, "I am going to eat and drink whatever I want" as she switches from coffee to coke and a few hours later eats deli meats. I am not going to judge (ok, maybe a little)...people can do what they feel comfortable in moderation; it's just the lack of appreciation and utter "in your face" attitude about it.
3) Seeing a baby on an ultrasound makes your heart swell and your eyes fill with tears. I have such mixed emotions on this pregnancy - nervous, yet excited; guarded, yet hopeful. I can't help but smile and fill with warmth and love when I see that baby and his/her little legs kick and heart beat on the ultrasound. It is absolutely amazing.
4) Scared, yet hopeful. This is definitely TMI, but after being away from home and eating too much over Labor Day weekend, I was apparently constipated. After a BM, I started bleeding bright red. It wasn't that small of an amount, but it stopped very quickly. The next day, same thing. My google research says I may have a sensitive cervix. I am also wondering if it has anything to do with the fact I had a pap smear on Friday and maybe my cervix is still not quite happy yet. Regardless, seeing red blood when you are pregnant is never a good sign. My boys were up and their normal full-of-energy selves. I found myself having this sulking bad attitude full of, "this is over" and just wanted to go in my room and close the door instead of play with them. I was also mad at myself for feeling that way. I wondered why when just a few weeks back, I wasn't sure I was all that happy about having another child and now I am depressed about the thought of losing the baby. I still don't understand it all; such a ball of conflicting emotions. I do think everything is ok with the pregnancy and it was an isolated incident, but the experience showed me that I obviously really do want this to work and I am somewhat protecting myself by having an ambivalent attitude about it to this point.
Ok, nap time is over. Just wanted to jot down those few thoughts before they escaped me.
A few things have happened recently that I thought we worth writing about.
1) I am in awe every day that I wake up and I am pregnant. I am in awe that I don't have to insert progesterone suppositories, take medication and baby aspirin. My body is just working. And to me, that is a miracle.
2) I still detest people who get pregnant easily and have no appreciation for how difficult it is for so many people. My SIL is apparently pregnant. I say apparently because she has not officially announced, however, wearing belly bands, the size of her tummy, and her comments speak otherwise. She casually drops in, "I am going to eat and drink whatever I want" as she switches from coffee to coke and a few hours later eats deli meats. I am not going to judge (ok, maybe a little)...people can do what they feel comfortable in moderation; it's just the lack of appreciation and utter "in your face" attitude about it.
3) Seeing a baby on an ultrasound makes your heart swell and your eyes fill with tears. I have such mixed emotions on this pregnancy - nervous, yet excited; guarded, yet hopeful. I can't help but smile and fill with warmth and love when I see that baby and his/her little legs kick and heart beat on the ultrasound. It is absolutely amazing.
4) Scared, yet hopeful. This is definitely TMI, but after being away from home and eating too much over Labor Day weekend, I was apparently constipated. After a BM, I started bleeding bright red. It wasn't that small of an amount, but it stopped very quickly. The next day, same thing. My google research says I may have a sensitive cervix. I am also wondering if it has anything to do with the fact I had a pap smear on Friday and maybe my cervix is still not quite happy yet. Regardless, seeing red blood when you are pregnant is never a good sign. My boys were up and their normal full-of-energy selves. I found myself having this sulking bad attitude full of, "this is over" and just wanted to go in my room and close the door instead of play with them. I was also mad at myself for feeling that way. I wondered why when just a few weeks back, I wasn't sure I was all that happy about having another child and now I am depressed about the thought of losing the baby. I still don't understand it all; such a ball of conflicting emotions. I do think everything is ok with the pregnancy and it was an isolated incident, but the experience showed me that I obviously really do want this to work and I am somewhat protecting myself by having an ambivalent attitude about it to this point.
Ok, nap time is over. Just wanted to jot down those few thoughts before they escaped me.
Monday, August 12, 2013
First OB visit
I went to the OB today to "confirm" the pregnancy. Surprisingly they were able to squeeze me in for a dating scan to see how far along I am since I really wasn't sure. I was guessing between 6 and 9 weeks and it turned out I was 8 weeks and 5 days. The baby looked great and it was amazing how much of a baby he/she already looked like. Despite being in those stirrups more times than I care to remember, I was shaking uncontrollably. The image of my first set of twins with no heartbeats is forever etched in my memory and I think subconsciously I was expecting the worst.
I can feel myself vacillating between being excited and being guarded because we have so many decisions to make and so much to overcome still. I spoke with my OB about my options for prenatal screening. He was light on details and referred me to a perinatologist and a genetic counselor with whom I have already met. Considering the translocation and my "advanced" maternal age at 35, I have to figure out which tests are right for us. I was originally thinking to skip the nuchal translucency u/s and go straight to a CVS for a definite answer on the chromosomes, but I spoke to the genetic counselor today and she told me a couple of things:
1) their center no longer does CVS'. They refer to somewhere that does over 1000/year.
2) They do amnios at 16.5 weeks (earlier than I expected).
3) They can see things on a nuchal ultrasound that a CVS won't tell them (e.g., structural issues, etc).
4) She indicated that CVS results can take some time to get back, whereas they can get amnio preliminary results very quickly.
She recommended I come in for a nuchal ultrasound and then if there is a problem, they would recommend proceeding with a CVS. Otherwise, I could decide if I want a definite answer and they could do an amnio a few weeks later. I still would rather know sooner than later, but the doctor comes HIGHLY recommended by everyone in the area (in fact, it's almost impossible to get in), they know my history, and their logic seemed to make sense so I think this is the gameplan for now.
I came home from my doctor's appointment to my two boys yelling, "MOMMY!" and wondered how they would handle it if they were no longer the center of attention and how in the world I was going manage them and a newborn. I still feel overwhelmed at the thought of it, but I know that should things work out, that we will figure out a way and that we are OVERLY blessed to have the family we do. Things happen for a reason and I know it will work out the way it is supposed to.
As a sidenote - I have no idea how I am going to hide my belly. At not even 9 weeks I am bigger than I was my first pregnancy at like 15 weeks and that was twins!
I can feel myself vacillating between being excited and being guarded because we have so many decisions to make and so much to overcome still. I spoke with my OB about my options for prenatal screening. He was light on details and referred me to a perinatologist and a genetic counselor with whom I have already met. Considering the translocation and my "advanced" maternal age at 35, I have to figure out which tests are right for us. I was originally thinking to skip the nuchal translucency u/s and go straight to a CVS for a definite answer on the chromosomes, but I spoke to the genetic counselor today and she told me a couple of things:
1) their center no longer does CVS'. They refer to somewhere that does over 1000/year.
2) They do amnios at 16.5 weeks (earlier than I expected).
3) They can see things on a nuchal ultrasound that a CVS won't tell them (e.g., structural issues, etc).
4) She indicated that CVS results can take some time to get back, whereas they can get amnio preliminary results very quickly.
She recommended I come in for a nuchal ultrasound and then if there is a problem, they would recommend proceeding with a CVS. Otherwise, I could decide if I want a definite answer and they could do an amnio a few weeks later. I still would rather know sooner than later, but the doctor comes HIGHLY recommended by everyone in the area (in fact, it's almost impossible to get in), they know my history, and their logic seemed to make sense so I think this is the gameplan for now.
I came home from my doctor's appointment to my two boys yelling, "MOMMY!" and wondered how they would handle it if they were no longer the center of attention and how in the world I was going manage them and a newborn. I still feel overwhelmed at the thought of it, but I know that should things work out, that we will figure out a way and that we are OVERLY blessed to have the family we do. Things happen for a reason and I know it will work out the way it is supposed to.
As a sidenote - I have no idea how I am going to hide my belly. At not even 9 weeks I am bigger than I was my first pregnancy at like 15 weeks and that was twins!
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Murphy's Law - I'm Pregnant
I am apparently pregnant. At least according to the 2 dollar store sticks I peed on. It says it takes 2-10 minutes for results to show and that sucker shined the most convincing + sign at me in about 3 seconds flat.
I am having a really hard time processing all my emotions right now. We have 2 beautiful twin boys who recently turned 2. We have 2 embryos in the freezer that have already undergone PGD and we know are chromosomally normal. When I started the IVF process, I understood that you need lots of embryos and hopefully through the statistics (and God willing) that one (or more) would work. I was "ok" with the fact that not all of the embryos would turn into babies and we may not need all of the embryos to make our family. But for some reason, now that my two little peanuts are here on earth and I know they started in that very same place as those 2 frozen embryos (in fact it was the same IVF round and the embryologist just happened to pick my boys to transfer that day. It could have been the other two). Anyway, I just feel like they could be my babies waiting there for me. I have contemplated embryo donation and giving them to research and I just can't seem to get there. BUT....I kind of always wanted 2 kids. My husband and I are pretty content with our little family. So, when the annual fee for embryo storage came, it prompted this discussion and I think we basically had decided we'll wait for now, but maybe in another year, we'll feel like we are ready. I have also considered transferring just one embryo (because twins are tough!) but I know I will have the same feeling that I need to go back for the last one at some point and I don't want to be well into my 40's by the time this is all done.
So, then came our surprise. My period hasn't shown up in a while. Not totally strange because my cycles are wacky anyway. But, it started feeling like a really long time. Then, I started having some weird stuff going on...feeling nauseous after eating, not really into my morning coffee, feeling pressure in my diaphragm, and my pooch belly which seemed even more prominent (I still haven't totally gotten my stomach back to pre-pregnancy days). I started thinking, "Could I be pregnant?" But I reminded myself that my husband and I don't have sex all that often and even when we do, I know where in my cycle I am and usually try and play it safe. And yes - I am the idiot that told the doctor after having my twins that I don't need birth control because we tried for 4 years and my husband has no normal sperm and my cycles are wacked and there is not a chance in hell that I am getting pregnant. INSERT FOOT INTO MOUTH.
So, I finally decided to take the plunge yesterday and used an expired pregnancy test at home and the thing immediately turned positive. I think I stared at it and read the directions 3 times over to make sure I really understood the test result versus the control area. I knew what I saw. Today, I went by the store and bought a new test and yep, confirmed - positive.
So I am that girl that could not get pregnant to save her life and now, I am the girl that wasn't on birth control and oops - got knocked up and have no idea how far along I am. I heard these stories...I did...getting pregnant on your own after years of infertility, but I was not going to be one of them. My husband and I are total fertile failures.
I am feeling really overwhelmed for so many reasons. I know that with my husband's balanced translocation, there is a fairly high probability that I could miscarry. I also know that I am pregnant until proven otherwise.
I also know that I dropped the maternity coverage on my health insurance and have no maternity coverage. Awesome planning.
I know I sound bitter and probably like a complete bitch to be complaining on an infertility blog that I am pregnant. And I do have to admit that I have this flutter of giddy-up that my husband and I actually got pregnant on our own. Holy shit - we really did it!! And the smile I can't wipe off my face thinking about little boy and girl names and cuddling a newborn again. But I am also feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of caring for a third baby, having to pay for medical expenses out of pocket, buy a new car to fit our family and the realization that I might have 2 more babies waiting for me. I never, ever envisioned myself as a mom of 5!!!
I actually was kind of looking forward to going back to work full time and regaining some of "me" sometime soon. I love being a Mommy, but I feel like that is all I am anymore. Being in the financial services industry, I also know how incredibly expensive children are and trying to pay for their college is almost unaffordable these days, but it's something my parents did for me and something I had hoped to give my children.
So, now being the irresponsible person that I am - I guess I have to call the doctor and tell them I am knocked up. I don't even know the process for a normal pregnancy.
Why does life have to be so complicated?
I am having a really hard time processing all my emotions right now. We have 2 beautiful twin boys who recently turned 2. We have 2 embryos in the freezer that have already undergone PGD and we know are chromosomally normal. When I started the IVF process, I understood that you need lots of embryos and hopefully through the statistics (and God willing) that one (or more) would work. I was "ok" with the fact that not all of the embryos would turn into babies and we may not need all of the embryos to make our family. But for some reason, now that my two little peanuts are here on earth and I know they started in that very same place as those 2 frozen embryos (in fact it was the same IVF round and the embryologist just happened to pick my boys to transfer that day. It could have been the other two). Anyway, I just feel like they could be my babies waiting there for me. I have contemplated embryo donation and giving them to research and I just can't seem to get there. BUT....I kind of always wanted 2 kids. My husband and I are pretty content with our little family. So, when the annual fee for embryo storage came, it prompted this discussion and I think we basically had decided we'll wait for now, but maybe in another year, we'll feel like we are ready. I have also considered transferring just one embryo (because twins are tough!) but I know I will have the same feeling that I need to go back for the last one at some point and I don't want to be well into my 40's by the time this is all done.
So, then came our surprise. My period hasn't shown up in a while. Not totally strange because my cycles are wacky anyway. But, it started feeling like a really long time. Then, I started having some weird stuff going on...feeling nauseous after eating, not really into my morning coffee, feeling pressure in my diaphragm, and my pooch belly which seemed even more prominent (I still haven't totally gotten my stomach back to pre-pregnancy days). I started thinking, "Could I be pregnant?" But I reminded myself that my husband and I don't have sex all that often and even when we do, I know where in my cycle I am and usually try and play it safe. And yes - I am the idiot that told the doctor after having my twins that I don't need birth control because we tried for 4 years and my husband has no normal sperm and my cycles are wacked and there is not a chance in hell that I am getting pregnant. INSERT FOOT INTO MOUTH.
So, I finally decided to take the plunge yesterday and used an expired pregnancy test at home and the thing immediately turned positive. I think I stared at it and read the directions 3 times over to make sure I really understood the test result versus the control area. I knew what I saw. Today, I went by the store and bought a new test and yep, confirmed - positive.
So I am that girl that could not get pregnant to save her life and now, I am the girl that wasn't on birth control and oops - got knocked up and have no idea how far along I am. I heard these stories...I did...getting pregnant on your own after years of infertility, but I was not going to be one of them. My husband and I are total fertile failures.
I am feeling really overwhelmed for so many reasons. I know that with my husband's balanced translocation, there is a fairly high probability that I could miscarry. I also know that I am pregnant until proven otherwise.
I also know that I dropped the maternity coverage on my health insurance and have no maternity coverage. Awesome planning.
I know I sound bitter and probably like a complete bitch to be complaining on an infertility blog that I am pregnant. And I do have to admit that I have this flutter of giddy-up that my husband and I actually got pregnant on our own. Holy shit - we really did it!! And the smile I can't wipe off my face thinking about little boy and girl names and cuddling a newborn again. But I am also feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of caring for a third baby, having to pay for medical expenses out of pocket, buy a new car to fit our family and the realization that I might have 2 more babies waiting for me. I never, ever envisioned myself as a mom of 5!!!
I actually was kind of looking forward to going back to work full time and regaining some of "me" sometime soon. I love being a Mommy, but I feel like that is all I am anymore. Being in the financial services industry, I also know how incredibly expensive children are and trying to pay for their college is almost unaffordable these days, but it's something my parents did for me and something I had hoped to give my children.
So, now being the irresponsible person that I am - I guess I have to call the doctor and tell them I am knocked up. I don't even know the process for a normal pregnancy.
Why does life have to be so complicated?
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Yep, I'm still alive!!
I have been HORRIBLE about blogging. I never in a million years thought I would be one of those people that just wouldn't have time after my babies arrived, but yep - I am. My twin boys are 17 months now and they are so much fun. The three biggest takeaways I have had since these guys have been born are:
Here are my little fellas. As I was walking through Costco this weekend a woman looked at the boys and said to me, "Ma'am, you are so blessed, so very blessed." It made me pause. I am used to the "aww, they are so cute" comments," but "BLESSED..." Indeed, I am.
- Infertility was stressful on marriage, but having children has been way harder for us. My DH and I have always had a great relationship, and actually were as close as can be through the years of infertility. I can honestly say that since the babies have been born, this is the worst our relationship has ever been. Sad, I know. I guess it's mostly my fault. I find myself being resentful he is never home, never spending time with us, always too busy. I never do anything for myself (which is probably my fault I don't get a sitter). Then when I get upset and he actually makes the effort, I snip at him for every little thing he isn't doing correctly. I know I shouldn't, but stress and lack of sleep make me seriously moody.
- Kids are HARD WORK. Now that isn't a surprise, and I was warned that "your life will never be the same," but man - I didn't think it would be quite this hard!
- It is impossible to imagine how much you will love and give for your child(ren) until you experience it. It is greater than anything imaginable.
Here are my little fellas. As I was walking through Costco this weekend a woman looked at the boys and said to me, "Ma'am, you are so blessed, so very blessed." It made me pause. I am used to the "aww, they are so cute" comments," but "BLESSED..." Indeed, I am.
Friday, March 2, 2012
7 Months
Oh my! Where does the time go?! I am so delinquent in posting. My boys are doing great! They have changed so much in the last month or so. They are sitting up on their own, on all fours and rocking back and forth (close to crawling), getting their 2 bottom teeth, and eating solids. They are about 15 lbs. Baby B finally passed Baby A in weight at their last doctor's appointment. He feels so much heavier, but they always weighed and measured about the same. They are only in the 5th percentile still. I am little worried about them being small, but hopefully my little muchkins will catch up at some point.
Baby B looks just like my husband. He continues to do everything first. He is 100% on or off and is totally Mr. Independent. He plays hard and sleeps hard. He is so demanding about his food. He wants it NOW!! He LOVES solids...making "mmmmm" sounds the whole time he is eating. So funny! He is so close to crawling....I put toys out in front of his and he can get on his hands and knees and lunge forward on his belly and then get back up and lunge again. He does this for about 3 feet until he gets his toy. Such a determined little fella!! He rolls and grunts his way to whatever he wants. We call him "tumbleweed" because he just plows down whatever is in his path!
Baby A looks like me. He is my little sweetie. He laughs so easily and is so good natured. He is content to sit and watch his brother explore. He is sitting on his own and getting on all 4's, but not crawling just yet. He likes his food, but isn't quite as obsessed like his brother! He has been talking so much lately. I call it singing because it's like he is hitting a note saying, "AHHHHHHHHH!" It is so funny. He has his favorite toys and lights up when he sees his little Monkey friend. He LOVES electronics. He always wants to see my phone and gasps at the monitor if I am watching his brother taking a nap.
I started going back to work 2 days a week when they turned 6 months old....in fact on the very day they turned 6 months old, which made me feel so guilty. But, the time at work has been good. I love my babies to death, but I was getting a little burned out. It is 24 x 7 x 365. The weekends aren't the weekends....they are more of the same. And while I love spending time with them, IT.IS.EXHAUSTING. Whoever said being a Mom is the hardest job in the world was definitely spot on. I am so lucky because my Mom has been watching the boys on the days I go in to the office. Leaving them with my Mom and having peace of mind is worth so much!
I am still pumping and feeding breastmilk and even to my surprise, I am still keeping up with them. However, I have had a major challenge with the breastmilk....I just discovered that my breastmilk may have too much lipase which is causing it to sour more quickly. I will do a separate post on this in case any of you ever have to deal with this. Long story short, is that I now have to scald my milk after pumping to keep it from going "bad." So, another step in the process, which is time consuming, but I feel like I am giving my babies the best nutrition possible and keeping them from getting sick, so it's worth it.
That's about it from here!
Baby B looks just like my husband. He continues to do everything first. He is 100% on or off and is totally Mr. Independent. He plays hard and sleeps hard. He is so demanding about his food. He wants it NOW!! He LOVES solids...making "mmmmm" sounds the whole time he is eating. So funny! He is so close to crawling....I put toys out in front of his and he can get on his hands and knees and lunge forward on his belly and then get back up and lunge again. He does this for about 3 feet until he gets his toy. Such a determined little fella!! He rolls and grunts his way to whatever he wants. We call him "tumbleweed" because he just plows down whatever is in his path!
Baby A looks like me. He is my little sweetie. He laughs so easily and is so good natured. He is content to sit and watch his brother explore. He is sitting on his own and getting on all 4's, but not crawling just yet. He likes his food, but isn't quite as obsessed like his brother! He has been talking so much lately. I call it singing because it's like he is hitting a note saying, "AHHHHHHHHH!" It is so funny. He has his favorite toys and lights up when he sees his little Monkey friend. He LOVES electronics. He always wants to see my phone and gasps at the monitor if I am watching his brother taking a nap.
I started going back to work 2 days a week when they turned 6 months old....in fact on the very day they turned 6 months old, which made me feel so guilty. But, the time at work has been good. I love my babies to death, but I was getting a little burned out. It is 24 x 7 x 365. The weekends aren't the weekends....they are more of the same. And while I love spending time with them, IT.IS.EXHAUSTING. Whoever said being a Mom is the hardest job in the world was definitely spot on. I am so lucky because my Mom has been watching the boys on the days I go in to the office. Leaving them with my Mom and having peace of mind is worth so much!
I am still pumping and feeding breastmilk and even to my surprise, I am still keeping up with them. However, I have had a major challenge with the breastmilk....I just discovered that my breastmilk may have too much lipase which is causing it to sour more quickly. I will do a separate post on this in case any of you ever have to deal with this. Long story short, is that I now have to scald my milk after pumping to keep it from going "bad." So, another step in the process, which is time consuming, but I feel like I am giving my babies the best nutrition possible and keeping them from getting sick, so it's worth it.
That's about it from here!
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Hope
When I started having trouble conceiving I knew of one acquaintance who had gone through fertility treatments and had a daughter using IVF. I'm not even sure I knew what IVF was at that time! ha! Anyway, over the last 3 years she has become one of my closest friends. She gave me this pillow that says "Hope" on it early in my journey. I hung it on my closet door. Every morning and evening I passed that pillow. Sometimes it gave me that extra boost I needed, sometimes a reinforcement of optimism I was feeling, sometimes I wanted to punch that pillow as I thought, "Hope! What a joke!" during a low point. Now that pillow hangs on the closet of my twins' nursery. Every time I put them down to bed or for a nap I see it and smile. I am so grateful for this gentle reminder to always have hope.
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