Left Behind

I feel like I'm getting left behind.

I felt that way before. Most of my friends had a relatively easy time getting pregnant (within 6 months of trying) and then there was me.
But I found new friends, friends with infertility, and then I had a new world where I was sort of "normal" again.
But now, all my wonderful, amazing friends that I struggled through infertility with are close to having their perfect family of 4 and then there's me - still working virgorously for just 1 child.

Friend #1

She had her first child no problem. First cycle off BCP and whaddya know. Second child - they tried and tried and no luck. I imagine secondary infertility must be even harder in some ways because if you've had success before, I imagine it's a tough pill to swallow to admit something is wrong the second go 'round. Anyway, they finally saw an RE, did several rounds of failed IUI's, finally found out she had endometriosis, did a laproscopy and got pregnant on her own. I found out I was pregnant with the twins like a week after she did. So, when her baby girl arrived, that should have been the same time I had two babies of my own. But that didn't work out.

Friend #2

My fellow PGD gal. She has a beautiful daughter who is 3 conceived naturally (how that happened is still an absolute mysery and a miracle!!) When they started trying for #2, she had no idea there was a problem until she started having miscarriage after miscarriage, some in the second trimester. They finally determined that she is a balanced translocation carrier like my husband. However, with the help of IVF and PGD, she recently brought her 2nd daughter home from the hospital and has a beautiful family of 4.

Friend #3

My friend who has been my guiding light through my entire journey - the first person I ever talked to about possible having a problem to sharing details of every cycle. She had her first baby using IVF 3 years ago and was ready for baby #2. Turns out our cycle timing was the EXACT SAME DAY. It was absolutely wonderful to have a friend literally and physically with you through the entire IVF cycle. We had back-to-back doctor's appts, we met at the lab for bloodwork and would get Starbucks before our ultrasound appointments. We were literally next door to one another during our egg retrievals and embryo transfers. Our journeys were lock-step and we dreamed of how cool it would be to go through IVF together, both get pregnant and our babies grow up together. But the journeys diverged when she got the positive pregnancy test and mine was negative. She is delivering her baby tomorrow.



I could not be happier for all three of these amazing ladies. They have been the most incredible friends I could ever ask for. But they have their families now and have to take care of their children and are moving on. They have been through their personal hell getting to where they are and they DESERVE to move on. I just keep wondering when it's going to be my turn.

Trying to Make Lemonade out of Lemons or Just Pout over my Lemons???

I constantly waiver between feeling mad, sad, bitter, jealous about our situation and then trying to be grateful for what we have. I have days where I wonder who is playing this horrible joke on us and can hardly bear the the Facebook updates stating, "Guess what? Our THIRD girl is on the way!!" GAG. I just don't understand why we are being put through hell to be able to create our family. I said to my husband the other day, "I am so damn tired of trying to see the one slice of good in a totally horrible situation." It is exhausting looking for the glimmer of hope in an otherwise completely crappy situation.

Other days, I have moments that smack me in the face and tell me I should be grateful for the things I do have. A story of a woman in her late 20's fighting breast cancer or hearing the news that one of our clients lost her husband. We could have THOSE problems - and should I just be grateful that my husband and I have jobs, a decent house, our health (aside from our reproductive challenges of course)?

I dream of the day I can look back and think of our infertility journey as a blip on the chart. It is just so all-consuming right now.

"But We're Worried about YOU"

My Mom and Dad are great. They really are. But sometimes, they totally frustrate me. Whenever I share information about my IVF cycles, they are so worried about me - what kind of long term effect the stimulation might be doing to me, concern over the egg retrieval, hate to hear if I am in any type of discomfort. I really tell them because a) I know they care; and b) they always lend an ear and provide support. But, sometimes it is so frustrating hearing, "As much as we want a grandchild, we want YOU to be safe. You are the most important thing to us." And I feel like yelling, "I understand that. And I want to feel that much love for a child someday too!"


I know they can't help it because I am their daughter and they love me, but don't they want me to be happy too?

More Waiting

I talked to my RE's office today. I can't do the frozen cycle next month. They don't want to give you estrogen right after stimulation so I have to get this period and then another one and then do transfer in November. UGH.............Life constantly on hold. So annoying!!! I feel like my babes are waiting for me in the freezer!!! We were planning to take a vacation in Nov/Dec. and now I don't feel like we can plan because my cycle is just so unpredictable. I have been determined to try and my live my life the best I can while I go through the process to try and create our family, but times like this certainly make it difficult.

One Year Anniversary - saying Goodbye to the Twins

September 21, 2009. That was the day I happily went to my OB/GYN office to check on my twins and instead found that neither of them had a heartbeat. I will never forget that day and the agonizing pain of realizing my dreams had just been ripped away. Still waiting and wondering if my twins will make their way back to me in this life on earth or if we will be reunited in heaven.

5 Normal/Balanced Blastocysts!

Woo hoo! Dr. PGD called to say that we have 5 normal/balanced blastocysts (out of 12 that were tested)....ahem, RE-tested. I am still bitter. Anyhoo, this is awesome news as I see it! So, I will talk to Dr. RE and Dr. IVF Center today and see what the gameplan is. We wait for my period to come and then start the FET protocol, which includes estrace pills three times a day for about 2 weeks and then the transfer. I think they will thaw 2 embryos and then if one or both don't make it, they thaw until they have 2. We'll transfer those 2 and then pray like crazy!!

Botched PGD Test!

So, we drive 2 hours for our supposed Embryo Transfer and about 15 min. before we arrived at the clinic I got a call from the PGD center saying that they have NO RESULTS. I wasn't prepared for that possibility. I dreaded the call saying we had no normal embryos, I hoped for the call saying we had many normal ones....but NO RESULTS???? The doctor from the PGD Center said "this has never happened before," but wouldn't that be our luck?? So, the new gameplan is to repeat the biopsy once the embryos become blastoycysts (today or tomorrow) and then re-perform the microarray PGD test and PRAY we get results the second time. To add insult to injury, we also have to freeze the embryos now because they can't stay in culture any longer and we won't have the new test results for 42 hours. So, now I have to wait a whole other cycle to transfer. UGH!!! I am so mad that these little embryos have to go through so much....not one, but TWO biopsies, freezing and thawing....how can they withstand all of that??? As if this wasn't hard enough. I am just so mad and sad and upset. My dreams of possibly having my babies in utero this weekend out the window in a flash. When talking to the PGD Center and the IVF Center and coming up with this new gameplan, I had my act together, mad, but composed, figuring out what's next, all the while my hubby in the seat next to me saying, "can you translate? I have no idea what you are talking about. All I heard was, 'this has never happened before.' " Sweet, sweet hubby. He still asks me what the chromosome "thing" is that he has. He's not into the details! But he does understand when his wife completely loses it. After I hung up the phone, that's exactly what I did. I just sobbed. I know I should be grateful we weren't given the worst news possible (that we had no healthy embryos), but you have so much hope, so much riding on this, and it is such a let down. I am realizing the futher we go in this journey that you not only deal with the given failure or roadblock or let down of that moment, but all of the past failures and challenges and have to deal with all of it - and sometimes it feels like more than I can bear.

Some Friends Rock and Some Suck C&%K

When you were getting married, did you have particular people that were just awesome? They shared in all the joys, helped you work out the details, etc. and then there were people you thought would be there for you and didn't bother to show up for the wedding? Yeah, I did.

And fertility journey has been kind of like that too. There are people I thought would be there for me and others I hardly knew at the beginning of all of this that have turned out to be the most amazing friends I could imagine.

Last week, I told one of my friends about my egg retrieval on Friday and I get this email from her on Friday that's like, "So, what are you up to this weekend? Anything fun? etc, etc" like absolutely nothing was going on. I felt like reaching through the computer and shaking her and saying, “This is only the most important thing in my life and you are oblivious!”

Then, I have this friend from high school....we were really close back in the day and have gone through periods where we talk and don't off and on…you know how it goes. Anyway, she recently emailed and asked how things were going. I told her it has been rough, the miscarriages, etc. She has a history of depression, so thought she might understand. So I get this voicemail from her that's like, "Hey! It's Beth. I don't even know if this is your phone number anymore since I haven't talked it you in For-ev-er." with this giant attitude. I'm like, "Seriously?" I just pour my heart out, divulging personal information, telling her I've been through rough times and then she cops this giant attitude like I suck for not keeping in touch??? No mention of "sorry to hear what you have been through" "would like to catch up" nothing like that, not to mention that my voicemail says my name in the greeting. Umm, hello?!! She always has been this gossip queen so I feel like she is just fishing for information to share with our old high school cronies she keeps in touch with. So now I have absolutely no desire to call her back....but I look like the jerk. It's just so frustrating. I try and tell myself that it's important to share what's going on a) so people are more aware/educated about infertility; and b) so people (that I assume care) can support me because how can they support me when they don't know what's going on?.... but it seems like everytime I share, I end up getting hurt, so it makes me want to crawl into a hole.

Did you Say 19???

I was in the Christian Family Store with my husband's grandmother "Nana" when my doctor called. We were buying a Bible for my brother-in-law and his fiance for Nana to give them as a wedding gift. I momentarily thought about quickly cutting off my cell phone, embarrassed at the loud ring in the Christian store, or what Nana would think if I had questions, but I recognized the number and had to know what was going on. So I answered. It was my RE and it was good news! He said, "We have lots of embryos. I think the lab said, '19'." I wasn't sure if I had heard correctly. "19????!" Yep - that's correct. WOO HOO!! So some of those little eggs fertilized!

Obviously just because you have good numbers doesn't guarantee anything in this process (as I have found in the past), but at least it helps you stay in the game and gives you something to feel hopeful about!

Egg Retrieval Was a Success!

22 eggs, 14 "good ones!" WOO HOO!! I knew there looked to be a lot of "black dots" on the ultrasound screen, but not all of them were full size. Hoping some of those little ones decide to fertilize! Feeling so much better after this retrieval than the last one. I think this is the first time I said my pain was "0" the first time. Didn't even take any Tylenol!

Thankful for NOT knowing

I go in for my ultrasound to see how the eggs are coming along. My doctor reads my chart from his partner's report of my weekend ultrasound and says, "He wrote that you should have 6-12 eggs ...that is a heck of a range." So, he checks things out and it turns out that he thinks I will get 12-14.

If I had known I might only have 6 eggs, I think I would have cried all weekend. Don't get me wrong - I understand some people would love to have 6...it's just when you are dealing with PGD and our odds, you need a heck of a lot more than that to make the numbers work.

Usually I want to know EVERYTHING. In this case, I'm glad I didn't know what that doctor wrote this weekend!! Not a darn thing I could do about it and I would have been a basket case!


Trigger shot tonight!! Egg retrieval on Friday!

It's All in a Name

The Infertile Farmer. I contemplated what to call this blog. I love the creative names of so many infertility blogs that I read... "Stirrup Queens," "Bottoms off and on the Table," "I Can Haz Bebe," "Wanted - One Good Embryo." Just the collection of names displays the vast array of emotions that go along with infertility. Hope and optimism, bitterness and sadness, anger, and even humor. Something that I have had the pleasure of experiencing is being a farmer and being infertile. I use the term "farmer" loosely. My husband is more of the farmer than I am and coming the 'burbs, this is new territory for me. His family has a farm. We have regular jobs, but much of our spare time is spent on the farm, taking care of the beef cattle, bailing hay, and what seems to be an endless supply of odds and ends job that come with farming. With beef cattle, we have lots of Momma cows, a few happy bulls that spend their days breeding. The purpose of the Momma Cows is to make babies. We have two groups of Momma cows - ones that have babies in the spring, and ones in the fall. So twice a year we have a vet come out to the farm and "preg check" the Momma cows. This basically entails the vet checking to see if the Momma cow is pregnant and announcing how far along she is, so we know when to expect the calf. Sometimes the vet announces, "She's open" and that means the Momma cow isn't pregnant in which case the guys usually confer and unless she has had great calves in the past or is a great cow, she is sent to town to be sold or butchered. Harsh, huh? I thought so too (and still do), but if you know the economics of farming, you soon realize you can't afford to feed cows through the winter that aren't producing any money (i.e., calves). That's a whole other discussion for another day. Point is - if you are a Bull and have bad sperm, you are going to have a very short life since the point of your entire existence is to breed cows. If you are a Momma cow and don't get pregnant, you are done too. And so when my husband and I discovered we had infertility problems, it was a bit daunting to realize we were one of those bulls/cows that would have been canned.