Lines in the Sand

I just got back from my brother in-law's wedding. It was a beautiful day and my now sister-in-law was a beautiful bride. They were together for 8 years before getting married, so it was one of those "long time coming" weddings. As I took everything in this weekend, so many thoughts rushed through my head..... when going through our last cycle and looking at the timing, I knew my pregnancy test would have happened just prior to the wedding so butterflies went through my stomach as I considered that I could be pregnant at their wedding. But instead, because of the botched PGD, there was no chance of being pregnant. So another milestone passed where I thought I could be pregnant and yet again, I'm not. At least I got to consume plenty of yummy champagne and drown my sorrows!

As I watched them hold her little nephew and play with her niece, I wondered if they would have any trouble having children and if my brother-in-law would be affected with a balanced translocation like my husband (we don't know if it was inherited or de nova). Of course I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, but this tiny part of me wishes it won't be a "cake-walk" either. Hearing myself say that out loud sounds horrible and I feel like an awful person. I just wish there was some way they could understand just 1% of what we are going through. They always just say, "Everything will be fine. Everything will work out. I just know it." Really???? How???? Cause I don't! And the thing is, they aren't saying that with an informed opinion. They don't know anything about our condition and what we are up against and so this blanket optimism just doesn't really sit well with me.

I think about the fact that my husband and I got married over 5 years ago and the idea that they may have kids before we do or heck, that they will have a house full of kids, and we may never have any kids – and that thought is just too much to bear. I try to refrain from these "Doom's Day" thoughts because really, what is the point in hashing through all these "what-if" scenarios? All it does is make me crazy. So then why do I keep doing it? All I can figure is that it's my own little way of trying to prepare myself for the possibilities.

"But We're Worried about YOU"

My Mom and Dad are great. They really are. But sometimes, they totally frustrate me. Whenever I share information about my IVF cycles, they are so worried about me - what kind of long term effect the stimulation might be doing to me, concern over the egg retrieval, hate to hear if I am in any type of discomfort. I really tell them because a) I know they care; and b) they always lend an ear and provide support. But, sometimes it is so frustrating hearing, "As much as we want a grandchild, we want YOU to be safe. You are the most important thing to us." And I feel like yelling, "I understand that. And I want to feel that much love for a child someday too!"


I know they can't help it because I am their daughter and they love me, but don't they want me to be happy too?