Reflections at 15 weeks

This stretch between doctor's appointments is killing me! The word is out about our pregnancy and I have no reassurance everything is going ok. My belly does seem to be growing and I've gained about 5 lbs so that is my only bit of reassurance. Things at work are really busy right now, so that helps the time to go by somewhat, but it still feels like it is taking for.ever. In fact things are pretty darn stressful at work. I am really trying to make myself relax, because I know that's what's best for the babies (and me), but it's been hard lately. I am waking up almost every night at 3am. Some of that is because I am falling asleep too early. I try and stay up until at least 10pm, but usually I end up falling asleep on the couch around 9pm. I never understood how people can fall asleep sitting up...and I am totally one of those people now. My husband says I drive him nuts with my bobble head so he usually tells me to lay down. ha ha! He has been such a sweetie lately...getting me water or rubbing my feet and helping with dishes and laundry...things that I usually take care of. I think I am getting spoiled!

As a sidenote, I called my RE's office yesterday to pay my ultrasound bill from my 6 week appt (they must be behind in billing!) I can tell when they hear my voice that they are scared out of their mind that something is wrong. So they always hesitantly say, "Oh, hi. Is everything ok?" I quickly say, "Everything is fine. I was just calling to pay my bill" and I can almost hear the sigh of relief on the other end of the phone. I think they don't want me back as bad as I don't want to be back there. I basically camped out in their office for 2 years straight. I literally was 1 step away from being amongst a handful of patients that got their money back for shared risk program. The thought makes me shudder...and yet it also makes me have tremendous hope for so many of you still fighting the fight. I know I've said this before, but I really and truly felt I was going to be one of those few people that ART didn't work for. Even my doctors were amazed I kept coming back. I am just so glad that I did.

I got an email from someone this week that said, "Congrats, MOM!" Mom. That word felt so strange. They were really talking to me??? I just can hardly believe this is happening. I feel beyond blessed. Blessed feels like the wrong word because I truly don't believe that God picks who He wants this to work for and that someone else may not be deserving. I think a lot of it was luck, but regardless, words cannot express how incredibly grateful I feel for this chance to finally be a Mom. Praying that these little babies are growing big and strong!

14 weeks

There hasn't been a whole heck of a lot to report. I have been feeling well minus the stupid dull headaches that seem to appear every day. I am trying to drink more (which I struggle with) and hoping that will help.

The belly seems to be growing some. Still fairly soft, but pooched out quite a bit that even my pants reserved for "fat days" are getting snug.

I splurged on a new bra. My normal bras with underwires were cutting in my boobs and leaving awesome red marks that started to make me concerned that I'd never produce any milk (that was sarcastic in case you couldn't tell...ok, at least half sarcastic. The paranoia never seems to end).

I hung out with a friend this weekend and took a trip to Babies R' Us to get some things for her kids. While we were there, I was asking her questions about car seats, strollers, etc. I feel like I want to look for that stuff because I am still feeling pretty clueless about the choices out there and I've already talked about how I analyze everything a million ways before buying something. But, I found that it felt weird. Other women were there with their big pregnant bellies and couples were registering...they looked like they belonged there. I felt totally out of place.

Another moment like that was in the maternity store. We don't have any real maternity stores nearby, so while I was visiting my friend, I popped in the mall to their maternity store. I am trying to figure out if I should just buy bigger sizes in regular clothes or buy maternity clothes. I was kind of thinking it would be good to buy things that are stretchy and could grow with me so I am not constantly outgrowing and having to buy new stuff. So, anyway, I ventured to the maternity store to just check out what was there. Again, I was surrounded by adorable pregnant bellies. I pulled a couple of things off the rack and the lady in the store said, "Did you want to try those on or are these a gift?" Awesome.

I feel like I am in this weird in-between stage right now where I am pregnant and feel like I should be doing things to prepare, but it's not obvious to the outside world yet, so I feel intimidated and out of place. I am guessing that some of this is in my own head and I shouldn't be so insecure. I am also wondering if I am being too much of a crazy planning lady and should let the stuff go until later, but I started doing the math and it freaked me out. They say to allow for 14 weeks for your crib to come in. I am hoping that the babies don't come until full-term, but for reality sake, I feel like I better have them by about 30-32 weeks just in case. So, we are talking that I need to order at like 16-18 weeks. That's 2-4 weeks from now! I barely even feel like this is really happening, nevermind ordering cribs in a few weeks. EEK!

Hoping things will start to feel more comfortable and natural before long.

Inconceivable

My hubby was out of town, so I decided to watch a chick flick last night, "Letters from Juliet." Highly predictable, but a love story that tugged at my heartstrings nonetheless. I spent the last 30-45 min. of the movie in tears. When the movie ended, and I flipped back to the TV, I found the most amazing TV special was on. It was a story about 2 couples who went to the same IVF clinic and after an embryo mix-up, one woman was pregnant with the other couple's baby. The couple gave the ultimate gift and delivered that baby and turned it over to biological birth parents, no strings attached. So I spent the next hour crying through every moment. I cannot even fathom what both couples have been through and how life altering that experience will forever be. It is an amazing story. Here's the website to the book that is coming out:

http://inconceivablebook.com/

Being on the Other Side

I am pregnant.
I dreamed of this for years and finally it looks like things might work out this time.
And I feel guilty.

Two of my favorite bloggers recently got BFN's and my heart is just breaking for them.

Why was I chosen?
Is it pure luck?
Is it like Vegas and I lost so many times that odds finally had to be me in my favor?
Yeah, I went through hell and back and felt it surely must be "my time" but it is for these amazing ladies and for so many other people, so I can't make sense of it.

It breaks my heart to read of others failed cycles.
I seriously feel like it could have just as easily been me.
I really thought that I was one of those people that this just wasn't going to work out for.

I want to provide support, but yet I know that my name can't come across the screen without the thought of, "She's pregnant. She can't understand."
I did the same thing.

I just wish I could articulate to everyone still in the trenches how much my heart goes out to you.
I know you don't feel this, but I am one of you.
I always will be.
And I pray your time is just around the corner.

Another "Coming Out" story

I decided to tell my hubby's aunt that we are pregnant.

Let me set the background here.....
I had previously told her about our complications and had a long heart-to-heart when we found out about hubby's chromosome issue to see if we could figure out where in the family it came from (which we never did BTW). Anyway, so she knows about the chromosome issue, she knows we were doing IVF and PGD, but she wasn't really in the loop on the timing of any cycles.

So, I said to her the other night, "I wanted to tell you that we are finally pregnant." She squealed with excitement (yay for a good reaction!) and then we start chatting a bit and she says, "You know, I was talking to my friend, Sue, about the trouble you guys were having. Awesome - I'm glad Sue now knows our business. Sue's daughter in law also had trouble getting pregnant and they said it was because she was too thin. You know, that might be your problem."
Me (with mouth on floor): "Well, that is what my OB/GYN told me about 3 years ago, that maybe I should put on some weight. I tried that and then I was just fat and still not pregnant. ha ha! (trying to make a joke while wondering WTH she is thinking)
So we manage to get past that and then she says, "So, do twins run in your family?"
And that was the point I realized she has absolutely no clue what is going on.
Ay yi yi!!!

Telling the Fam...and the bomb that was dropped on us

My husband decided to share our news with his family. Everything was great and I was really feeling the love with the first few people he told on Friday. My hubs was hanging out with his brother today and when we got home I asked him if he told his brother. He said yeah and then proceeded to tell me that his brother's response was, "You might not be the only one." Apparently his wife is pregnant. I feel like the most horrible person on the planet, but I am actually pissed and annoyed about this. They have been married for two months and she's already pregnant. Their relationship is bizarre at best, the marriage was questionable, and now she's already knocked up. When we found out about my husband's chromosome issue, I wondered if his brother would have problems if he ever had kids. Apparently not. Hubs said, "why would you wish that on them?" And I wouldn't. I don't. I wouldn't wish our experience on my worst enemy. Something just pisses me off that we have been married for 6 years, trying to have kids for over 3 and they get knocked up in less than 2 months. They never really tried to be there for us or understand what we were going through and some small piece of me maybe wishes it would have taken a few tries, to just experience wanting something and it not coming that easy....so that maybe they could understand in some small way.

I know this sounds so incredibly childish, but I am also pissed because I feel like this is my time. I have patiently watched and waited through so many pregnancies and I felt like it was finally my time. And now I have to share it. They live close by, we see them all the time, and it is going to be in my face the entire time. I feel so deflated, like the wind was taken out of my sail. I shouldn't let their situation impact ours. That is stupid. I should focus on US, and OUR babies, so why am I having a hard time doing that?

This could be way worse. We could have had another failed cycle and she could be pregnant and then how pissed would I be?? Holy smokes - I can't even fathom the rage, tears and irreparable damage that would have caused. I recognize she is still fairly early in her pregnancy and something could go wrong, at which point I will feel like complete crap for feeling what I am, but odds are that everything will be just fine. Hopefully I can get my head out of my ass and try and be happy for them.

12 weeks

We had our nuchal u/s and everything went just fine. It was so amazing seeing the babies again....squirming around, their little hearts beating, hands moving...just amazing! I almost feel like it's not my belly that I'm seeing on the screen. It must be someone else we are looking at!

I have to share a funny part of the story that I know you guys will appreciate....I went in the U/S room and there was a gown there waiting on the table, like usual. The nurse took my blood pressure, etc. and then said the doctor will be in momentarily. I looked at the gown and said, "So should I change before he comes back? Just bottoms or everything?" She said, "Oh, the ultrasound will be on your stomach so you don't have to undress." This is a new one! Going to the doctor and leaving my pants on! I haven't done that in about 4 years!! Actually I have to say that the transvaginal ultrasound seem to produce a much clearer image. The ones this time seem grainy compared to my 10 week transvaginal ultrasound.

I was a little frustrated because the doctor thought it was somewhat a moot point to check for all the things caused by chromosomal abnormalities given we did PGD and know the chromosomes already. I wanted the extra reassurance that the PGD results were accurate and I specifically asked during my last appointment if they felt it would be worthwhile and they said, "yes." He did go through the motions of everything and plugged my bloodwork in the computer, etc. but he didn't even really review the results with us....just handed us the paperwork and said "everything looks fine, but we already knew that." I felt like it was a little bit of a "rubber stamp" on what the PGD results had already told us. Of course, I'm glad they didn't find any glaring differences, but I almost wished they didn't even know about the PGD because maybe they would have been more thorough or something. I don't know. My hubby seems to think they were still very thorough, so maybe it was just me. They did check the babies' heart, brain, and facial structures and all of that looked good too, which is great. Apparently they can detect about half of birth defects by this point and they'll get to about 85% at the 20 week echo check.

I was hoping to feel a little more relieved than I do. I mean, so far, so good; but I can totally see why some people say that you never totally feel good until you have the baby in your arms. I still feel nervous about "coming out" and my next appointment isn't for another month, so I won't have any new info between now and 16 weeks. If something happens later on, I just don't think I could handle someone asking how the babies are and having to explain some horrific situation or just breaking down in tears (which is what I would probably do). I guess I need to get some "big girl pants" and just suck it up. Maybe a growing belly will help me to feel more pregnant and force me to talk! : ) I'm definitely feeling thicker, but still just basically feel fat. I can't wait to actually look and feel pregnant!!