Miracle Babies

This week I went to see one of my good friends new baby. When I was there, she was just finishing a playdate with another friend. They both have little girls who are 3 years old. Ordinarily, the thought of new babies and playdates are things I run from. But, this was different. These 3 year old girls that were chasing each other around the house, giddy from Halloween cupcakes, were both frozen embryos at one point. Both their momma's had sacrificed tremendously and gone through years of devastation before they were brought into the world. And then I looked at my girlfriend's new baby, another beautiful IVF baby. I was literally in the IVF Center when that child was conceived....because I was having my retrieval the very same day as her Mom. Of course, I was sad for a moment that my path didn't turn out like hers and that I could have a child at this very moment too (and don't). However, what was even stronger was an overwhelming sense of hope and gratitude that we live in 2010 where we have IVF and ICSI and that is what gave these amazing ladies the ability to have their family. It was just so powerful. There is a certain connection between women that experience infertility - an unspoken code, that we just understand each other. Thank God we have each other.

Facebook & Infertility

I was reading back through some of my blog posts and they are kinda heavy. Maybe I am just inspired to write when I am contemplating the tough questions. Who knows.
Anyway, to lighten things up a bit and because I got such a great laugh, I wanted to share this post about living in a world of infertility and Facebook. You have to be a Facebook user to fully appreciate some of the humor; hence my husband staring blankly at the screen, not finding it one bit amusing.

Whether or Not to Rain on Someone's Parade

I often wonder if my infertility experience has made me overly jaded and cynical. Ok - don't answer that. But, it has also been a wake up call to reality and possibilities.

I was reading a blog post from someone who has been struggling through infertility for several years. Through her many failed cycles, she has never had a positive pregnancy test, but this latest cycle she got a positive test. She is obviously over-the-moon happy. She appears to have graduated from the world of infertility and is already talking about pregnancy symptoms, what foods to avoid, and morning sickness. She has moved on to a new chapter.

I am so happy for her. I am. But this little voice in my head whispers, "Yeah, I was that over-the-moon happy girl twice too, and it ended in disaster." I feel like telling her, "Be careful getting your hopes up. Approximately one-third of all pregnancies end in miscarriage."

I feel the need to educate others. I feel the need to warn others because then if something goes wrong, maybe it won't be quite as hard. But who am I to rain on her parade?

I find myself doing this constantly. I have another friend who is considering trying for Baby #2. Depsite the fact that I have shared my story and lots of other stories (including secondary infertility) with her, she still makes comments like, "Well, I think we'll start trying around Christmas because then little Johnny will be 3 when the baby is born."

HA! Just because she had baby #1 easily doesn't mean baby #2 will be that easy.

Why am I a total brat and constantly think the worst? Why do I feel the need to speak out, to warn these people? Do I want them to suffer like I have? No - I really don't. Do I want to be understood? Yeah, I guess. Why do I always end up biting my tongue and saying nothing?

With the infertile, recently pregnant example, I contemplated leaving a comment, but decide not to, because really - what can she do about it anyway? So I scare her to pieces and then there's not a damn thing she can do. Awesome.

What frustrates me is example #2. I try to share, to educate, to help others to stretch and consider the possibilities, but it is obvious that people ultimately don't believe it will ever happen to them.

And that kind of pisses me off.

I didn't think it would happen to me either. But guess what?! It did! So that's when I feel like telling these people to get their head out of their ass and stop thinking they are somehow immune!


I guess it just drives home the isolation, the feeling of being totally different - and alone - and that no one understands. Even some people battling infertility. Which is weird.

I also realize that ignorance really is bliss. Everyone deserves the beyond-excited-I-can't-even-see-straight feeling when they get a positive pregnancy test. Everyone deserves to dream of their future and building their family. Just because my dreams have been crushed doesn't mean I should crush someone else's. I keep trying to remind myself that unfortunately, I was that unlucky minority and not everyone needs to know or fear the pain and loss I experienced. Let them have their moments, their dreams, and pray it all works out....just as I wanted.

Tug at my Heart Strings

Being the financial nerds that we are, my husband and I were discussing the cost of our medical bills and tax implications given we are only a few months away from the end of the year. My husband has horrible eye sight and was contemplating getting laser eye surgery. We figured we would do it in a year that we had lots of other medical expenses because once we hit the 7.5% AGI threshold, we can deduct everything beyond that. So our conversation went something like this....

Husband: If all goes well, hopefully we won't have such crazy medical expenses next year, so maybe I should do the surgery this year.
Me: HA! "If all goes well...." We've said that a time or two before! We're probably just getting started on the cost because we're on our last try of shared risk and then we get to pay full freight per cycle!
Husband: Yeah, seriously.
Me: [after seriously considering the question and losing my sarcasm] Actually, we will probably have high medical expenses either way next year. Either we'll be paying for more IVF/PGD or we'll be having a baby [and given we have a high deductible plan since we're self employed, we'll be footing most of that bill] so actually I guess it doesn't really matter if you do it this year or next.
Husband: Well, I was thinking that if we had a baby and I had to get up in the middle of the night, it would be nice to be able to see.

GULP. See - my husband doesn't say things like that. He doesn't think of things like that. He's a tough guy who is busy working, farming, whatever. And the thought that he WANTS to get up... in the middle of the night.... for a baby.... just puts a giant lump in my throat. I'm not really sure why I am so surprised. I mean, afterall, he has been along for this ride for the last 3 years too!

When Bad Things Happen to Good People

I recently read a book by Harold Kushner called When Bad Things Happen to Good People. My world has kind of been turned on its head since reading it. I wasn't raised with religion and have just recently (within the last year) been seriously exploring my faith and have actually ENJOYED going to church. Much of that has to do with our infertility struggles. I constantly asked myself things like

• Why me?
• What have I done to deserve this?
• Does God think I would be that horrible of a mother?
• Is God punishing me for not being more faithful to Him?

Friends that knew much more about faith than I did assured me that God LOVES me, not that He is punishing me.

I had finally come to a place where I felt like God has a plan for us. Although we can't understand it now, we will come to see and it will be for the best. It will work out the way it is supposed to. I am usually a believer that "things happen for a reason." I guess I just needed to feel there was purpose to what I was experiencing.

This book throws all of that out the window.

I enjoyed many aspects of Kushner's book, which offered the view that there is randomness in the world and that God is as outraged as we are about the injustice that occurs. It provided some comfort in knowing that Sh!t does happen and it's not God that is punishing us, but rather that God is actually there with us when we are grieving. He is the one that helps us to keep going even when we have hit rock bottom and don't think we have anything left to give. Where else do we get that strength from?

However, I am feeling fairly unsettled after reading the book. I feel like God has been stripped of His power, that He is so limited and I guess I always just thought of an all-powerful God. I would like to just write-off Kushner's viewpoint; however, I can't reconcile between an all-powerful God that could stop cancer, hurricanes, infertility and chooses not to with this limited God that Kushner portrays.

God seems less tangible than before I read the book and I feel further from Him. And that makes me mad.

Much of this probably has to do with the fact that my faith is still very new and developing. It kind of makes me sad that I am rocked so easily and shows just how weak my beliefs are. I wanted to believe I was further along than this.

I enjoy books like this one that offer new perspective and make me think, but I don't like feeling so unsettled about things after reading them. I am making my hubby read it so we can discuss! He usually helps me clear things up!

Nobel Prize

Dr. Robert Edwards of Britain won the 2010 Nobel Prize in medicine yesterday for developing in-vitro fertilization. Louise Brown was the first baby born using IVF in 1978 and since then over 4 million babies have been born using IVF. How awesome is that?!

One of my girlfriends that just had a baby using IVF wrote this on Facebook yesterday, "Timing couldn't be more fitting that I get to congratulate and thank Dr. Edwards on his Nobel Prize. His work has allowed us to have a family, and to use the words of a friend, no words can express our gratitude." Amen sister!

While I can't say I am glad to have been dealt this hand of cards, I do think about how lucky I am to be living in 2010 where we have the science and technology like IVF and PGD. If I had been born 50 years ago, there would be viurtually no hope for a biological child. People like Dr. Brown made it possible for people like me to even have a chance and for that I am incredibly grateful.

Lines in the Sand

I just got back from my brother in-law's wedding. It was a beautiful day and my now sister-in-law was a beautiful bride. They were together for 8 years before getting married, so it was one of those "long time coming" weddings. As I took everything in this weekend, so many thoughts rushed through my head..... when going through our last cycle and looking at the timing, I knew my pregnancy test would have happened just prior to the wedding so butterflies went through my stomach as I considered that I could be pregnant at their wedding. But instead, because of the botched PGD, there was no chance of being pregnant. So another milestone passed where I thought I could be pregnant and yet again, I'm not. At least I got to consume plenty of yummy champagne and drown my sorrows!

As I watched them hold her little nephew and play with her niece, I wondered if they would have any trouble having children and if my brother-in-law would be affected with a balanced translocation like my husband (we don't know if it was inherited or de nova). Of course I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, but this tiny part of me wishes it won't be a "cake-walk" either. Hearing myself say that out loud sounds horrible and I feel like an awful person. I just wish there was some way they could understand just 1% of what we are going through. They always just say, "Everything will be fine. Everything will work out. I just know it." Really???? How???? Cause I don't! And the thing is, they aren't saying that with an informed opinion. They don't know anything about our condition and what we are up against and so this blanket optimism just doesn't really sit well with me.

I think about the fact that my husband and I got married over 5 years ago and the idea that they may have kids before we do or heck, that they will have a house full of kids, and we may never have any kids – and that thought is just too much to bear. I try to refrain from these "Doom's Day" thoughts because really, what is the point in hashing through all these "what-if" scenarios? All it does is make me crazy. So then why do I keep doing it? All I can figure is that it's my own little way of trying to prepare myself for the possibilities.