One Year Ago

What a difference a year makes! The last month or so has been surreal watching the "anniversary" dates on the calendar...the date of our embryo transfer, the date of our positive beta and now Christmas Eve is approaching and it is the date we drove to our RE's office and saw our babies' heartbeats on the monitor for the first time. It was so quiet and calm that day, very few people on the roads that morning, the doctor's office/hospital so still and quiet. All was calm and we saw two little blinking lights on the ultrasound monitor. Our two little shining stars. It also happens to be the day I first puked after church service that night! LOL! The dates bring back the flurry of emotions...how terrified I was, how I wanted to be hopeful, but could barely let myself, how I wanted to adore the Christmas cards we received with these picture perfect families but I still resented them, how I desperately wanted more than 2 stockings hanging from our mantle. The list goes on. The feelings overwhelming. And when I look at my two little guys sitting here, almost 5 months old, it is completely surreal. I just never believed this day would come.

Life after Babies

For years, I had images of our perfect little family. Once I was pregnant I knew we were close to achieving that. Now that the babies are here, I'm not sure how realistic I was being. Someday we may get there and be this picture perfect family of four with a mom and dad that love each other like crazy and these healthy, well behaved, well adjusted kids.... the whole 9 yards. For now that picture perfect family is just a dream.

I know I should be posting about how everything is just roses and how I am so in love with my little miracles (which I totally am and for the record completely exceed my expectations for their portion of our picture perfect family), but I want to take just a minute to say THIS IS FREAKING HARD.

I am tired. Physically and emotionally. This job is 24 x 7 and I am awake for about 20 of those 24 hours! The moments when both babies are crying and I only have one set of arms. I have had a few days where I just cry while they are crying. I long for a shower that lasts more than 2 minutes. I want to exercise to get rid of this untoned belly, but that time (and energy) doesn't exist. I want a hot cup of REAL CAFFEINATED coffee, and to drink it while it's hot! Those are some small things. The bigger thing is me and my husband.

We have been through a lot together and always had an amazing relationship, infertility and all; but these past few months have been rough. I basically don't see him through the week. He gets home from work at 6ish, we scramble around trying to eat ourselves and feed the boys and put them to bed and then I am in bed by 8pm. Then I pass him in the morning, as I am stumbling around getting bottles ready, looking like a complete zombie from being up all night and he is rested, fresh, in his suit, going to work with coffee in hand. There is a part of me that is jealous he gets to go out in the world and do whatever the hell he wants. There is a part of me that feels trapped here in my house, trapped to a breast pump 4 hours a day. I don't feel like he understands my life and I don't understand his. We don't have time to talk about it - or time to talk period.

Additionally, my Mom has been staying with us since the boys were born. I am so thankful for her help and the sleep I am able to get because she is here (and that hubby sleeps all night because she is here). Not that I should complain one bit, but I think it somewhat adds to the dysfunction of my husband and I to have someone else in the house all the time. She goes to see my dad on weekends, and that is my small little insight of what it is like as a family of 4. Those days we feel more like a normal couple, but he still has a million projects to do - cut the grass, fix things around the house, visit his grandmother, etc. I want him to just help me and hang out with the boys. I can tell he is totally in "provider" mode and feels like he has to make the money, fix things, even grocery shop and clean sometimes and while I totally appreciate all he is doing, I just want my husband back and not to feel so alone in this process.

I am guessing that much of my feelings have to do with sleep deprivation and hopefully as the boys get older, this mama will get some more sleep. I just hope that my picture perfect family is still in the cards and more importantly that we can be a great mom and dad to these boys. I just want to feel well again...not like this zombie woman who stumbles around the house all day and resents her husband for going out into the world. I feel guilty even posting this because I know there are so many people that LONG for these problems. I did too. I just needed to get this off my chest and since the primary purpose of this blog is for me to remember, that's what I am doing.

3 months

Where does the time go?? Everyone has Halloween decorations and fall mums...heck it's even SNOWING here tonight...and I feel like it should still be July. I now fully understand what people say when they say the beginning was just a blur!

My little guys are doing great. They were 3 months old this week and are weighing about 11.5 lbs. They are smiling, cooing, holding objects and keeping this mama very tired. We are doing better in the sleep department, but still have a ways to go. I am going to do a whole separate post on sleep training.

I am still pumping and feeding breastmilk (about 4 oz every 3 hours)...and freezing a ton extra. I have filled boxes in my father in law's deep freezer. It's kind of insane what your body can do when it actually works RIGHT....something I haven't been used to for a very long time!!

I recently sent my RE that "Thank you" note....the one with pictures of my little miracles to be posted on his wall. I dreamed of sending that picture and note for so long. In fact, I thought about sending him a thank you note my entire pregnancy, but I was never fully convinced that I was in fact going to have real, live babies. I felt like it would jinx me so I never did. It felt amazing to put that picture and note in the mail. I often wondered how the staff at my RE clinic were able to live in infertility hell day in and day out. A few years was more than enough for me! But then I thought about getting those pictures and reading those success stories....every one has to start by saying "I don't know how to thank you for giving me the baby of my dreams." Talk about fulfilling work and making a difference! Wow! So I guess those successes must be the fuel that keeps them going.

The Perfect Storm

The last few weeks have been the "perfect storm" literally and figuratively! We had an earthquake, moved houses...during a hurricane, I was sick with a fever, my computer crashed, and the boys were going through a growth spurt and wanted to eat every 1.5 hours! It has been a wild ride and we are still recovering, so apologies for not posting for so long.

The good news is that the boys are doing great. They are getting so big. At their 5 week check up they were up to 8 lbs each. That's pretty good considering they were just under 5 lbs when they were born.


Some things we are working on...

Breastfeeding - I don't know why, but we never got good at this. Matthew can latch well and seems to drink, but putters out after about 10 min. I think he hasn't gotten enough, so offer him a bottle and then will practically drink a whole bottle, which makes me feel so discouraged. Ryan and I have had a hard time latching. It takes 10-20 attempts, usually we finally get it, but he is so frustrated and I feel awful. So the end result is that I am primarily pumping and bottle feeding milk to them. I do try to nurse them once a day just to leave that door open and I really need to get my act together and go see a lactation consultant. My goal was to tandem breastfeed (seemed to be the most efficient way of doing things), but I can even get one to nurse a complete feeding. I have also had major issues with plugged ducts. I had heard of them, as well as mastitis, but I never imagined I would get them like every other day. I was spending an hour soaking in a bath every day and massaging my boobs, and then I got good at finding them. This is probably TMI, but basically I can eventually see a little white spot on my nipple and I have to squeeze it, almost like popping a pimple. Out comes a little white hardened milk, just about the size of the grain of sand and usually Niagara Falls erupts behind it because the milk was so backed up! It is pretty comical to see milk just spray out of my boobs and me try and catch it in a bottle!

So that's the boob story...

Sleep - that has been another challenge. When the boys came home from the hospital they were eating every 3 hours. Then a growth spurt hit and they wanted to eat every 1.5 - 2.5 hours. By the time you feed, change, pump, wash bottles, prep new bottles, it's time to start all over again. After a few weeks of that I finally decided about 4-5 days ago I was done with that and we are working on stretching out feedings and feeding more at each one. Now we are back to 2-3 hrs during the day and about 3 hours at night, although last night we got our first 4.5 hour stretch (pure bliss!!) We have always tried to keep them on the same schedule because otherwise you feed non-stop, but while we have been working on stretching feedings, I have let each one go as long as they can to try and encourage the right behavior and not feed just because their brother is hungry.


A couple of random thoughts...

• I am shocked that the boys seem oblivious of each other. Everything I read said they wanted to be together (same crib, etc.) from the beginning. These guys don't seem to even realize their brother is in the world. Kind of makes me sad, but I am guessing that may change soon.
  
  
• Pacifiers - I have been so undecided on this. I really don't want a 4year old who can't do without his binky. Also given our breastfeeding challenges I was worried about nipple confusion. BUT we seem to have hit a cranky phase where eating, burping, farting doesn't seem to do the trick. My mom busted out the pacifiers and tried one out and SILENCE. It was like magic. I think I am going to try to use for "emergencies" or at least when nothing else is working.
  
  
• I always thought kids either liked vibrating chairs or swings...these kids don't seem to be a fan of either! Matthew pretty much only sleeps on his stomach, which of course is not recommended because of SIDS.
  
  
• LOVE my City Mini Double stroller!
  
  
• I think I am going to need a boob job after nursing. My boobs are huge and heavy and my Target nursing bras aren't cutting it.
  
  
• When will my belly button return to normal and the stupid linea negra go away? I have about 8 lbs to pre-pregnancy weight, but I am more concerned with how strange my belly looks than the weight.
  
  
• When will the bleeding stop?? It tapered off about 3 weeks ago, then started up again around 5.5 weeks and tapered off and now it seems back again. My doctor doesn't seem bothered by it, but I am a little concerned everything isn't clearing out properly especially considering the issues with my placenta delivery.
  
  
• Being up and in the kitchen every 3 hours is not a good thing. I eat constantly. Not good for losing weight, not good on my teeth since I basically eat immediately after brushing.
  
  
• It is amazing how little sleep you can actually function on. I was always one of those people that needed my sleep. Now I get about 4-5 hours split into 2 - 2.5 hour increments and somehow manage.
  



• One of the things I was most unprepared for was how little I was going to see my husband. He is either working, farming, moving us, unpacking boxes, grocery shopping, or watching the kids while I sleep. We spend so little time together it makes me sad.



• I absolutely love having twins, but part of me feels like things are so mechanical. I just want to sit and enjoy each child and spend quality time and I feel like I have to hurry through everything to get it all done. Hoping that will get better with time.



• After going through pregnancy, delivery, breastfeeding and being one of those infertile people that felt like I had to experience that - I can now say I really think you can love a child that is not your flesh and blood just as much. So much of it is about once they are here - not just the pregnancy and birth story - and that seems to be the focus. Probably because we can't see any further. But after being on the other side of the mountain, each little child is precious no matter how they got here.



• I feel so so so incredibly blessed to finally be a mommy and cannot wait to see how these little guys will grow and develop. I dream of playing ball, riding bikes, going to the zoo. Cannot. wait! But for now I am enjoying tiny fingers and toes and all the grunts and farts! : )
  
  
  
  

Body recovery update

I am still very "weirded out" (for lack of a better word) by my belly. I just expected loose skin instead of this small baby bump with an outtie belly button. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled not to have the loose skin, but my belly just feels so mis-shapen. Here is a recent pic. I have 15 lbs left to lose as of 2 weeks postpartum. I have a feeling those extra lbs are staying with me for a while because my boobs are ginormous and feel like they weigh 15 lbs a piece!!!

My tailbone has been so sore and according to Dr. Google, apparently you can bruise or even break your tailbone during childbirth. Who knew?!!

I am hoping to bounce back a little more. My bleeding has pretty much stopped, hemorrhoids are in check and pooping going ok. The swelling in my legs is SO much better. I still have a little in my ankles and feet, but I have knees and calves again. Hallelujah!! LOL! So while many things are much improved, for some reason, I feel 100 years old. It just hurts to go from sitting to standing and I feel like I move at a snail's pace. I think it has to do with the blood loss and it's just going to take time. I am just used to being so active and fast paced that it feels strange when my body just aches and is telling me to slow down.

So that's the update for now!

Week 2

The boys are getting bigger and stronger. They already do tummy time and can pick their heads up and turn them. I call Matthew our little break dancer because he does this superman move where he rolls forward on his chest and his legs are up in the air. They are eating about 2 oz. every 3 hours. Breastfeeding has gotten better, but it is still hit or miss. It seems like all the stars have to properly align - they have to be hungry, awake, alert, but not too fussy and then we can feed. Otherwise we spend 10 min. trying to get latched and finally just give up and I have Mom or hubby give them a bottle. The bottle feels like it is undermining my cause because they get milk so easily, but they obviously need to eat. It's just hard. I know they are drinking breastmilk from the bottle, which is the most important thing to me, but I just wish breastfeeding was easier so we could eliminate some steps of this long feeding process and that it wasn't so frustrating for me and babies.

Honestly, that has been my biggest and pretty much my only struggle so far. Otherwise they are such good babies. Their funny little faces when the sleep and their sprays of pee during changing time keep me laughing and I can't get enough of kissing their soft baby skin.

We went to the pediatrician yesterday for their 2 week check up. Both boys had gained almost a pound and they now weigh 5 lbs 12 oz. and 5 lbs 7 oz. Theyhave almost graduated from preemie outfits and diapers!! The pediatrician was really pleased with their weight gain. The worst part of the visit...the doctor heard a heart murmur on Matthew. She said she didn't think anything was structurally wrong and that most murmurs resolve themselves by 6 mos. but she wants us to see a pediatric cardiologist just to be on the safe side. She said not to worry (yeah right). I did some reading online and it does sound to be fairly common and many murmurs are totally benign. Just praying that is the case here.

Week 1

We came home on Friday, August 1st. It was so strange to walk in my house after being gone for 5 days unexpectedly. I found my bathing suit and towel randomly hanging on the door knob (because I had gone swimming the morning of my doctor's appointment when I was sent to the hospital). Just things not as tidied as I would have had them. Plus - moving boxes everywhere. We didn't quite finish the new house before our little guys arrived. But, it's just fine. The little guys don't have a fab nursery, but they are staying with us downstairs anyway and the swings, bouncy seats and pack n' play seem to be doing the trick for now. Poor hubby has had to spend time going to the new house to finish up projects. I will be SO glad when the house is ready!

My Mom is here and has been AMAZING! I have no idea what I would do without her.

Our first big outing was to the pediatrician on Sunday, August 3rd. I think they have you come as a test - to see if you can get your act together, feed, change, get the little ones in the car seat properly and get to an appointment on time. Not an easy task! The boys got a great report and are maintaining their birth weights. No jaundice or temperature issues (which were a little borderline when we were discharged from the hospital).

We are on a 3 hour schedule. Whichever little guy is more awake, I start breastfeeding him and we let the other one sleep. I work on breastfeeding for about 10 min. If I can get them to latch, we stay nursing. If not, and if the little guy is upset, I turn him over to hubby or my Mom to get a bottle of pumped milk. It is hard to strike the balance between helping them learn to breastfeed and not letting them spend too much energy if it isn’t working (they need to keep their weight). I have found that I have to get them naked and good and awake for them to nurse properly. Cutting out either of those things = a not so good nursing session. So basically, I nurse one, hand them over for a bottle to finish them up and then I work with the other little one. Mom or hubby bottle feeds one, burps him and then puts him down in a swing and takes the other one to feed him a bottle. At the end, we get everyone changed, dressed and swaddled up in a blanket. We were changing them at the start of the feeding to wake them up and while it did wake them up, we end up with more poop and pee during the feeding, so twice as much work in changing. So we changed up the order.

I'm starting to find that the days all kind of run together. Getting outside is huge! It makes you feel human again. But, it is so stinking HOT and HUMID! UGH!

I am so in love with every little thing on these guys - the tiny fingers and toes, the little grunts, yawns, hiccups, burps and farts - all adorable. I can't stop myself from kissing them and cuddling them.