Life after Babies

For years, I had images of our perfect little family. Once I was pregnant I knew we were close to achieving that. Now that the babies are here, I'm not sure how realistic I was being. Someday we may get there and be this picture perfect family of four with a mom and dad that love each other like crazy and these healthy, well behaved, well adjusted kids.... the whole 9 yards. For now that picture perfect family is just a dream.

I know I should be posting about how everything is just roses and how I am so in love with my little miracles (which I totally am and for the record completely exceed my expectations for their portion of our picture perfect family), but I want to take just a minute to say THIS IS FREAKING HARD.

I am tired. Physically and emotionally. This job is 24 x 7 and I am awake for about 20 of those 24 hours! The moments when both babies are crying and I only have one set of arms. I have had a few days where I just cry while they are crying. I long for a shower that lasts more than 2 minutes. I want to exercise to get rid of this untoned belly, but that time (and energy) doesn't exist. I want a hot cup of REAL CAFFEINATED coffee, and to drink it while it's hot! Those are some small things. The bigger thing is me and my husband.

We have been through a lot together and always had an amazing relationship, infertility and all; but these past few months have been rough. I basically don't see him through the week. He gets home from work at 6ish, we scramble around trying to eat ourselves and feed the boys and put them to bed and then I am in bed by 8pm. Then I pass him in the morning, as I am stumbling around getting bottles ready, looking like a complete zombie from being up all night and he is rested, fresh, in his suit, going to work with coffee in hand. There is a part of me that is jealous he gets to go out in the world and do whatever the hell he wants. There is a part of me that feels trapped here in my house, trapped to a breast pump 4 hours a day. I don't feel like he understands my life and I don't understand his. We don't have time to talk about it - or time to talk period.

Additionally, my Mom has been staying with us since the boys were born. I am so thankful for her help and the sleep I am able to get because she is here (and that hubby sleeps all night because she is here). Not that I should complain one bit, but I think it somewhat adds to the dysfunction of my husband and I to have someone else in the house all the time. She goes to see my dad on weekends, and that is my small little insight of what it is like as a family of 4. Those days we feel more like a normal couple, but he still has a million projects to do - cut the grass, fix things around the house, visit his grandmother, etc. I want him to just help me and hang out with the boys. I can tell he is totally in "provider" mode and feels like he has to make the money, fix things, even grocery shop and clean sometimes and while I totally appreciate all he is doing, I just want my husband back and not to feel so alone in this process.

I am guessing that much of my feelings have to do with sleep deprivation and hopefully as the boys get older, this mama will get some more sleep. I just hope that my picture perfect family is still in the cards and more importantly that we can be a great mom and dad to these boys. I just want to feel well again...not like this zombie woman who stumbles around the house all day and resents her husband for going out into the world. I feel guilty even posting this because I know there are so many people that LONG for these problems. I did too. I just needed to get this off my chest and since the primary purpose of this blog is for me to remember, that's what I am doing.

3 months

Where does the time go?? Everyone has Halloween decorations and fall mums...heck it's even SNOWING here tonight...and I feel like it should still be July. I now fully understand what people say when they say the beginning was just a blur!

My little guys are doing great. They were 3 months old this week and are weighing about 11.5 lbs. They are smiling, cooing, holding objects and keeping this mama very tired. We are doing better in the sleep department, but still have a ways to go. I am going to do a whole separate post on sleep training.

I am still pumping and feeding breastmilk (about 4 oz every 3 hours)...and freezing a ton extra. I have filled boxes in my father in law's deep freezer. It's kind of insane what your body can do when it actually works RIGHT....something I haven't been used to for a very long time!!

I recently sent my RE that "Thank you" note....the one with pictures of my little miracles to be posted on his wall. I dreamed of sending that picture and note for so long. In fact, I thought about sending him a thank you note my entire pregnancy, but I was never fully convinced that I was in fact going to have real, live babies. I felt like it would jinx me so I never did. It felt amazing to put that picture and note in the mail. I often wondered how the staff at my RE clinic were able to live in infertility hell day in and day out. A few years was more than enough for me! But then I thought about getting those pictures and reading those success stories....every one has to start by saying "I don't know how to thank you for giving me the baby of my dreams." Talk about fulfilling work and making a difference! Wow! So I guess those successes must be the fuel that keeps them going.