2 Little Stockings

I love Christmastime for many reasons: the music, snuggling up in a blanket by the fire, sipping on yummy hot chocolate, reflecting on things and people I am thankful for, wrapping presents, and lots of other things. However, there are so many days that those bits of joy are overshadowed by gloom thanks to stupid infertility.

I actually think something is wrong with me because I have come to despise Christmas cards. I mean, who hates Christmas cards??? I think my middle name is Scrooge. Everyone sends these cute little cards with pictures of their perfect family and every year I am left to figure out what the heck to send. I have a friend that doesn't have kids and she puts pics of her and her husband, usually pictures from trips they took that year. I considered doing that, but to me, it just paints the perfect picture of what is NOT there - a child. Granted, I doubt anyone else would see it that way, but I do and I hate it.

I hate the fact that year after year we have our same two cheapo stockings. I had in my mind that I would order up some nice stockings from Pottery Barn when we have a child and can all have pretty matching ones with our names on them. Yeah - not happening.

I absolutely love shopping for little outfits and toys for nieces, nephews, and children of my friends, and I constantly find myself keeping that special outfit because it's so stinking cute and I want my OWN child to wear it someday.

I hate the stupid dynamics of trying to figure out if we are going to see my family or my husband's family this year and I dream of the day we can stay home and have our OWN Christmas traditions.

I feel like I have had these dreams for so long and each Christmas, I realize that another year has passed and they are not coming to fruition. I want so badly to believe that I will look back on these years as a small blip on the radar screen and chuckle to myself that I should have savored the peace and quiet of the season because now I have a house full of bustling kids up at 4am wanting to see what Santa brought. But I am scared out of my mind that that day will never come.

More Waiting

I talked to my RE's office today. I can't do the frozen cycle next month. They don't want to give you estrogen right after stimulation so I have to get this period and then another one and then do transfer in November. UGH.............Life constantly on hold. So annoying!!! I feel like my babes are waiting for me in the freezer!!! We were planning to take a vacation in Nov/Dec. and now I don't feel like we can plan because my cycle is just so unpredictable. I have been determined to try and my live my life the best I can while I go through the process to try and create our family, but times like this certainly make it difficult.