Miracle Babies

This week I went to see one of my good friends new baby. When I was there, she was just finishing a playdate with another friend. They both have little girls who are 3 years old. Ordinarily, the thought of new babies and playdates are things I run from. But, this was different. These 3 year old girls that were chasing each other around the house, giddy from Halloween cupcakes, were both frozen embryos at one point. Both their momma's had sacrificed tremendously and gone through years of devastation before they were brought into the world. And then I looked at my girlfriend's new baby, another beautiful IVF baby. I was literally in the IVF Center when that child was conceived....because I was having my retrieval the very same day as her Mom. Of course, I was sad for a moment that my path didn't turn out like hers and that I could have a child at this very moment too (and don't). However, what was even stronger was an overwhelming sense of hope and gratitude that we live in 2010 where we have IVF and ICSI and that is what gave these amazing ladies the ability to have their family. It was just so powerful. There is a certain connection between women that experience infertility - an unspoken code, that we just understand each other. Thank God we have each other.

Left Behind

I feel like I'm getting left behind.

I felt that way before. Most of my friends had a relatively easy time getting pregnant (within 6 months of trying) and then there was me.
But I found new friends, friends with infertility, and then I had a new world where I was sort of "normal" again.
But now, all my wonderful, amazing friends that I struggled through infertility with are close to having their perfect family of 4 and then there's me - still working virgorously for just 1 child.

Friend #1

She had her first child no problem. First cycle off BCP and whaddya know. Second child - they tried and tried and no luck. I imagine secondary infertility must be even harder in some ways because if you've had success before, I imagine it's a tough pill to swallow to admit something is wrong the second go 'round. Anyway, they finally saw an RE, did several rounds of failed IUI's, finally found out she had endometriosis, did a laproscopy and got pregnant on her own. I found out I was pregnant with the twins like a week after she did. So, when her baby girl arrived, that should have been the same time I had two babies of my own. But that didn't work out.

Friend #2

My fellow PGD gal. She has a beautiful daughter who is 3 conceived naturally (how that happened is still an absolute mysery and a miracle!!) When they started trying for #2, she had no idea there was a problem until she started having miscarriage after miscarriage, some in the second trimester. They finally determined that she is a balanced translocation carrier like my husband. However, with the help of IVF and PGD, she recently brought her 2nd daughter home from the hospital and has a beautiful family of 4.

Friend #3

My friend who has been my guiding light through my entire journey - the first person I ever talked to about possible having a problem to sharing details of every cycle. She had her first baby using IVF 3 years ago and was ready for baby #2. Turns out our cycle timing was the EXACT SAME DAY. It was absolutely wonderful to have a friend literally and physically with you through the entire IVF cycle. We had back-to-back doctor's appts, we met at the lab for bloodwork and would get Starbucks before our ultrasound appointments. We were literally next door to one another during our egg retrievals and embryo transfers. Our journeys were lock-step and we dreamed of how cool it would be to go through IVF together, both get pregnant and our babies grow up together. But the journeys diverged when she got the positive pregnancy test and mine was negative. She is delivering her baby tomorrow.



I could not be happier for all three of these amazing ladies. They have been the most incredible friends I could ever ask for. But they have their families now and have to take care of their children and are moving on. They have been through their personal hell getting to where they are and they DESERVE to move on. I just keep wondering when it's going to be my turn.

Some Friends Rock and Some Suck C&%K

When you were getting married, did you have particular people that were just awesome? They shared in all the joys, helped you work out the details, etc. and then there were people you thought would be there for you and didn't bother to show up for the wedding? Yeah, I did.

And fertility journey has been kind of like that too. There are people I thought would be there for me and others I hardly knew at the beginning of all of this that have turned out to be the most amazing friends I could imagine.

Last week, I told one of my friends about my egg retrieval on Friday and I get this email from her on Friday that's like, "So, what are you up to this weekend? Anything fun? etc, etc" like absolutely nothing was going on. I felt like reaching through the computer and shaking her and saying, “This is only the most important thing in my life and you are oblivious!”

Then, I have this friend from high school....we were really close back in the day and have gone through periods where we talk and don't off and on…you know how it goes. Anyway, she recently emailed and asked how things were going. I told her it has been rough, the miscarriages, etc. She has a history of depression, so thought she might understand. So I get this voicemail from her that's like, "Hey! It's Beth. I don't even know if this is your phone number anymore since I haven't talked it you in For-ev-er." with this giant attitude. I'm like, "Seriously?" I just pour my heart out, divulging personal information, telling her I've been through rough times and then she cops this giant attitude like I suck for not keeping in touch??? No mention of "sorry to hear what you have been through" "would like to catch up" nothing like that, not to mention that my voicemail says my name in the greeting. Umm, hello?!! She always has been this gossip queen so I feel like she is just fishing for information to share with our old high school cronies she keeps in touch with. So now I have absolutely no desire to call her back....but I look like the jerk. It's just so frustrating. I try and tell myself that it's important to share what's going on a) so people are more aware/educated about infertility; and b) so people (that I assume care) can support me because how can they support me when they don't know what's going on?.... but it seems like everytime I share, I end up getting hurt, so it makes me want to crawl into a hole.