I found my sanity...temporarily at least

I am SO glad I went to the doc yesterday. I still slept horribly last night, but when I woke up, I had images of those beautiful babies and thumping hearts in my mind instead of crazy head trash. I relished the thought of Baby A dancing and moving around and calm little Baby B wondering if Baby A would settle down in there! I feel SOOOO much better. I'm not sure how long it will last, but I'll take it for as long as I can!! I am trying to remind myself this is the furthest I have made it and that is a big deal!! Small successes, right?

My hubby and I have been talking about what these babies would mean and the changes we would need to make. Things like our car. We both need new cars. Well, maybe I should say "want" instead of "need," but they are getting pretty old! While I would love to get an SUV (damn snow around here) and feel like I could justify it if we have two cubs (BTW, that is our nickname for the twins), I think I would forever feel like crap driving some big SUV with just me and hubby if things don't work out. In fact, we've been talking about getting an SUV for several years, but after every failed cycle, we just "back-burner" it again. I don't want a constant reminder of what's not in the back seat. Plus I start thinking about the $$$ involved in a new car plus all of the baby gear we need to buy and it starts freaking me out a bit!

Also, the work situation. We have our own business and while hubby has the lead and is the brains, I make everything "tick." I really think I want to come back to work, at least part-time to have some professional, adult interaction, but I am trying to be realistic about how long it is going to take for me to get adjusted with 2 newborns. The business has to keep going, so I can't just disappear for weeks or months on end. We've talked about hiring someone else, which is kind of hard for me to swallow because I am a control freak and generally anti-change, but I know it would be a necessary thing. But then would that be a temporary thing or permanent? Would we replace what I am doing or supplement it, which affects the skill set we are looking for. When we start backing into the timeframe of when we would need to start looking for someone and how long it will take to train them, etc., we better get moving like NOW! And now seems too soon because how do we know this is really going to happen?

It's just hard. These are big life things. Trust me, these are problems I am thrilled to have! It's just complicated and I think when you have a history of infertility, the uncertainty we feel is even worse. I keep thinking I will feel more confident at the NEXT appointment. And then the next appointment comes and I move the timeframe out. After reading some other stories, I'm not sure that ever changes and while the negative thoughts gradually get pushed to the back of your mind the further you make it, I'm not sure you can fully breathe until you are holding your little one(s) in your arms. And then of course, I'm sure Mom's would tell you that is just when the REAL worrying begins!!