First OB visit

I went to the OB today to "confirm" the pregnancy.  Surprisingly they were able to squeeze me in for a dating scan to see how far along I am since I really wasn't sure.  I was guessing between 6 and 9 weeks and it turned out I was 8 weeks and 5 days.  The baby looked great and it was amazing how much of a baby he/she already looked like.  Despite being in those stirrups more times than I care to remember, I was shaking uncontrollably.  The image of my first set of twins with no heartbeats is forever etched in my memory and I think subconsciously I was expecting the worst.

I can feel myself vacillating between being excited and being guarded because we have so many decisions to make and so much to overcome still.  I spoke with my OB about my options for prenatal screening.  He was light on details and referred me to a perinatologist and a genetic counselor with whom I have already met.  Considering the translocation and my "advanced" maternal age at 35, I have to figure out which tests are right for us.  I was originally thinking to skip the nuchal translucency u/s and go straight to a CVS for a definite answer on the chromosomes, but I spoke to the genetic counselor today and she told me a couple of things:
1) their center no longer does CVS'.  They refer to somewhere that does over 1000/year.
2) They do amnios at 16.5 weeks (earlier than I expected).
3) They can see things on a nuchal ultrasound that a CVS won't tell them (e.g., structural issues, etc).
4) She indicated that CVS results can take some time to get back, whereas they can get amnio preliminary results very quickly.

She recommended I come in for a nuchal ultrasound and then if there is a problem, they would recommend proceeding with a CVS.  Otherwise, I could decide if I want a definite answer and they could do an amnio a few weeks later.  I still would rather know sooner than later, but the doctor comes HIGHLY recommended by everyone in the area (in fact, it's almost impossible to get in), they know my history, and their logic seemed to make sense so I think this is the gameplan for now.

I came home from my doctor's appointment to my two boys yelling, "MOMMY!" and wondered how they would handle it if they were no longer the center of attention and how in the world I was going manage them and a newborn.  I still feel overwhelmed at the thought of it, but I know that should things work out, that we will figure out a way and that we are OVERLY blessed to have the family we do.  Things happen for a reason and I know it will work out the way it is supposed to.

As a sidenote - I have no idea how I am going to hide my belly.  At not even 9 weeks I am bigger than I was my first pregnancy at like 15 weeks and that was twins!

Murphy's Law - I'm Pregnant

I am apparently pregnant.  At least according to the 2 dollar store sticks I peed on.  It says it takes 2-10 minutes for results to show and that sucker shined the most convincing + sign at me in about 3 seconds flat.

I am having a really hard time processing all my emotions right now.  We have 2 beautiful twin boys who recently turned 2.  We have 2 embryos in the freezer that have already undergone PGD and we know are chromosomally normal.  When I started the IVF process, I understood that you need lots of embryos and hopefully through the statistics (and God willing) that one (or more) would work.  I was "ok" with the fact that not all of the embryos would turn into babies and we may not need all of the embryos to make our family.  But for some reason, now that my two little peanuts are here on earth and I know they started in that very same place as those 2 frozen embryos (in fact it was the same IVF round and the embryologist just happened to pick my boys to transfer that day.  It could have been the other two).  Anyway, I just feel like they could be my babies waiting there for me.  I have contemplated embryo donation and giving them to research and I just can't seem to get there.  BUT....I kind of always wanted 2 kids.  My husband and I are pretty content with our little family.  So, when the annual fee for embryo storage came, it prompted this discussion and I think we basically had decided we'll wait for now, but maybe in another year, we'll feel like we are ready.  I have also considered transferring just one embryo (because twins are tough!) but I know I will have the same feeling that I need to go back for the last one at some point and I don't want to be well into my 40's by the time this is all done.

So, then came our surprise.  My period hasn't shown up in a while.  Not totally strange because my cycles are wacky anyway.  But, it started feeling like a really long time.  Then, I started having some weird stuff going on...feeling nauseous after eating, not really into my morning coffee, feeling pressure in my diaphragm, and my pooch belly which seemed even more prominent (I still haven't totally gotten my stomach back to pre-pregnancy days).  I started thinking, "Could I be pregnant?"  But I reminded myself that my husband and I don't have sex all that often and even when we do, I know where in my cycle I am and usually try and play it safe.  And yes - I am the idiot that told the doctor after having my twins that I don't need birth control because we tried for 4 years and my husband has no normal sperm and my cycles are wacked and there is not a chance in hell that I am getting pregnant.  INSERT FOOT INTO MOUTH.

So, I finally decided to take the plunge yesterday and used an expired pregnancy test at home and the thing immediately turned positive.  I think I stared at it and read the directions 3 times over to make sure I really understood the test result versus the control area.  I knew what I saw.  Today, I went by the store and bought a new test and yep, confirmed - positive.

So I am that girl that could not get pregnant to save her life and now, I am the girl that wasn't on birth control and oops - got knocked up and have no idea how far along I am.  I heard these stories...I did...getting pregnant on your own after years of infertility, but I was not going to be one of them.  My husband and I are total fertile failures.

I am feeling really overwhelmed for so many reasons.  I know that with my husband's balanced translocation, there is a fairly high probability that I could miscarry.  I also know that I am pregnant until proven otherwise.

I also know that I dropped the maternity coverage on my health insurance and have no maternity coverage.  Awesome planning.

I know I sound bitter and probably like a complete bitch to be complaining on an infertility blog that I am pregnant.  And I do have to admit that I have this flutter of giddy-up that my husband and I actually got pregnant on our own.  Holy shit - we really did it!!  And the smile I can't wipe off my face thinking about little boy and girl names and cuddling a newborn again.  But I am also feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of caring for a third baby, having to pay for medical expenses out of pocket, buy a new car to fit our family and the realization that I might have 2 more babies waiting for me.  I never, ever envisioned myself as a mom of 5!!!

I actually was kind of looking forward to going back to work full time and regaining some of "me" sometime soon.  I love being a Mommy, but I feel like that is all I am anymore.  Being in the financial services industry, I also know how incredibly expensive children are and trying to pay for their college is almost unaffordable these days, but it's something my parents did for me and something I had hoped to give my children.

So, now being the irresponsible person that I am - I guess I have to call the doctor and tell them I am knocked up.  I don't even know the process for a normal pregnancy.

Why does life have to be so complicated?

Yep, I'm still alive!!

I have been HORRIBLE about blogging.  I never in a million years thought I would be one of those people that just wouldn't have time after my babies arrived, but yep - I am.  My twin boys are 17 months now and they are so much fun.  The three biggest takeaways I have had since these guys have been born are:

1. Infertility was stressful on marriage, but having children has been way harder for us.  My DH and I have always had a great relationship, and actually were as close as can be through the years of infertility. I can honestly say that since the babies have been born, this is the worst our relationship has ever been.  Sad, I know.  I guess it's mostly my fault.  I find myself being resentful he is never home, never spending time with us, always too busy.   I never do anything for myself (which is probably my fault I don't get a sitter).  Then when I get upset and he actually makes the effort, I snip at him for every little thing he isn't doing correctly.  I know I shouldn't, but stress and lack of sleep make me seriously moody.
2. Kids are HARD WORK.  Now that isn't a surprise, and I was warned that "your life will never be the same," but man - I didn't think it would be quite this hard!  
3. It is impossible to imagine how much you will love and give for your child(ren) until you experience it.  It is greater than anything imaginable.

Here are my little fellas. As I was walking through Costco this weekend a woman looked at the boys and said to me, "Ma'am, you are so blessed, so very blessed."  It made me pause.  I am used to the "aww, they are so cute" comments," but "BLESSED..."  Indeed, I am. 

7 Months

Oh my! Where does the time go?! I am so delinquent in posting. My boys are doing great! They have changed so much in the last month or so. They are sitting up on their own, on all fours and rocking back and forth (close to crawling), getting their 2 bottom teeth, and eating solids. They are about 15 lbs. Baby B finally passed Baby A in weight at their last doctor's appointment. He feels so much heavier, but they always weighed and measured about the same. They are only in the 5th percentile still. I am little worried about them being small, but hopefully my little muchkins will catch up at some point.

Baby B looks just like my husband. He continues to do everything first. He is 100% on or off and is totally Mr. Independent. He plays hard and sleeps hard. He is so demanding about his food. He wants it NOW!! He LOVES solids...making "mmmmm" sounds the whole time he is eating. So funny! He is so close to crawling....I put toys out in front of his and he can get on his hands and knees and lunge forward on his belly and then get back up and lunge again. He does this for about 3 feet until he gets his toy. Such a determined little fella!! He rolls and grunts his way to whatever he wants. We call him "tumbleweed" because he just plows down whatever is in his path!

Baby A looks like me. He is my little sweetie. He laughs so easily and is so good natured. He is content to sit and watch his brother explore. He is sitting on his own and getting on all 4's, but not crawling just yet. He likes his food, but isn't quite as obsessed like his brother! He has been talking so much lately. I call it singing because it's like he is hitting a note saying, "AHHHHHHHHH!" It is so funny. He has his favorite toys and lights up when he sees his little Monkey friend. He LOVES electronics. He always wants to see my phone and gasps at the monitor if I am watching his brother taking a nap.

I started going back to work 2 days a week when they turned 6 months old....in fact on the very day they turned 6 months old, which made me feel so guilty. But, the time at work has been good. I love my babies to death, but I was getting a little burned out. It is 24 x 7 x 365. The weekends aren't the weekends....they are more of the same. And while I love spending time with them, IT.IS.EXHAUSTING. Whoever said being a Mom is the hardest job in the world was definitely spot on. I am so lucky because my Mom has been watching the boys on the days I go in to the office. Leaving them with my Mom and having peace of mind is worth so much!

I am still pumping and feeding breastmilk and even to my surprise, I am still keeping up with them. However, I have had a major challenge with the breastmilk....I just discovered that my breastmilk may have too much lipase which is causing it to sour more quickly. I will do a separate post on this in case any of you ever have to deal with this. Long story short, is that I now have to scald my milk after pumping to keep it from going "bad." So, another step in the process, which is time consuming, but I feel like I am giving my babies the best nutrition possible and keeping them from getting sick, so it's worth it.

That's about it from here!

Hope

When I started having trouble conceiving I knew of one acquaintance who had gone through fertility treatments and had a daughter using IVF. I'm not even sure I knew what IVF was at that time! ha! Anyway, over the last 3 years she has become one of my closest friends. She gave me this pillow that says "Hope" on it early in my journey. I hung it on my closet door. Every morning and evening I passed that pillow. Sometimes it gave me that extra boost I needed, sometimes a reinforcement of optimism I was feeling, sometimes I wanted to punch that pillow as I thought, "Hope! What a joke!" during a low point. Now that pillow hangs on the closet of my twins' nursery. Every time I put them down to bed or for a nap I see it and smile. I am so grateful for this gentle reminder to always have hope.

Separate Rooms

When I was pregnant I was sure I wanted my twins either in the same crib or in separate cribs, but in the same room. I read so much about how they had this bond from being in the womb together and how they comforted each other. I don't know if it's just my guys, and it's actually kind of hard to say, but they don't really care all that much about each other. In fact, it wasn't until about a month ago that they even acknowledged each other's existence. Now they will watch each other and smile at one another, but they would still much prefer to interact with adults. Anyway, I have had them in separate cribs, but the same room for quite some time. We got through sleep training (along with some crying), but toughed it out in one room. Everything I read said they will sleep through each other crying. That was true SOME of the time. I truly believe they go through sleep cycles and when they are in a deep sleep, yes, they will sleep through some crazy crying. However, if they are in a light sleep or on the verge of waking up and the other is fussing, they are done. Anyway, the latest challenge is that one of the boys has learned to roll over. Instead of sleeping during naps, he is practicing his new "skill." And he was disturbing his brother. As I began thinking about it, I realized that it is always going to be something. Soon the other one will start rolling, then they will start pulling up, and heaven forbid when they start talking to each other instead of sleeping! After lots of agonizing, I finally decided to separate them into different rooms this week. So far, it seems to be much better for both of them, but there is a part of me that feels sad or guilty or something....like I am breaking a twin bond. I guess I wanted to believe they would have that bond, that need to be together, but I never saw it. Everyone seems to sleep better when they are in different rooms, so I guess we'll go with that for now. I can always put them back together, right?

The Drill Sergeant

So, apparently this is my new nickname given by my husband. He says it in good humor, referring to my over-the-top scheduling ways. In all seriousness, this is something I am struggling with. I read lots of books while pregnant and I had planned to keep the boys on a schedule, but not be too rigid. But I am starting to question the "not too rigid" part. I basically follow this routine every day: they wake up at 6:30am, eat, play for 1 hour (or as long as they can tolerate), take a nap and then we start over 3 hours later with the same feed-play-nap routine (based on the book Baby Wise). For the most part, it has worked well. The boys nap in their cribs and know when we go into their room and it's dark it means sleepy time. There are a few challenges with this. 1) it creates 4 naps a day which I have to work around; and 2) they are so used to their schedule and routine that when I want to take them somewhere, they aren't quite sure what's going on. I want to be able to go visit friends 2 hours away, go to restaurants, do some of the things that I enjoyed, but it always seems like too much trouble and I feel like I'm messing them up, so I tend to kind of be a "homebody." I have tried to go places and have them sleep in their pack n' play. Most of the time it has been a huge failure (partially because I think one pack n' play is too small for them and it's such close quarters among two noisy sleepers), but mostly they look around like, "where the heck am I?" On Christmas Eve, one of my guys decided to go into a 45 minute scream fest. I have not seen him do that since he was like 2 months old. I still don't really know what caused it. I think the combination of being somewhere weird, overstimulation (a thousand gifts/decorations), tired (it was the witching hour afterall). Bottom line is that I was seriously ready to pack my bags and leave. He was miserable, I was miserable and I'm pretty sure no one wanted to listen to that screaming during Christmas Eve dinner. So what I am getting at is that for the 90% of the time when we are home, having a structured schedule/routine works well. It's the 10% I am struggling with when I actually want to go out in the world. I kind of feel like the only way to make them more "adaptable" is to get them out more, but there is a part of me that thinks it's just not worth the headache and that pretty soon they will only be having 2-3 naps a day and can tolerate staying up longer, so just wait it out and it will get easier as they get older. What do you think? Does it get easier? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.