Movement!

Sorry for being a horrible blogger lately. I have been thinking about how much I needed to do an update, but have been having trouble finding the time. I spent about 2 out of the last 3 weeks in paranoia again. I kept wondering why I wasn't feeling the babies move. Everyone was congratulating us, talking showers and I kept wondering if this was all going to fall apart. And then I felt them. It has been the most amazing and reassuring thing ever. It's like little fish swimming around. Ever since I felt them for the first time, I have felt them every day since. It's usually when I am working at my computer or watching TV on the couch at night. I keep telling my husband to feel my stomach, but they will never move for him. One more week until my next OB appt. I am so anxious to go back and see these little guys and make sure everything is going ok. It's hard to believe I am almost 20 weeks! I have been feeling great....almost too good. No food aversions anymore, not that tired, no pain other than the occasional twinge here or there. We are narrowing down our crib selection and pretty much finished one of our registries. 2 showers are on the calendar and I have been reading books galore. We're interviewing candidates to fill in for me at work and looking into part-time day care (holy wait lists!!) I feel like there is so much preparation that I need to do, but yet I can still hardly believe this is even happening. I'm wondering when reality is going to set in!

First Trip to Babies.R.us

In one word...overwhelming. I had a friend go with me to BRU this past weekend and help me with what you definitely need (or need 25 of!!) and what is a waste. There are so many gizmos, gadgets and different choices that my head was spinning before we left the first stop...bottles. Different sizes, drop ins or not, ones for colicky babies, ones that go with your breast pump, different nipple shapes and sizes and flows. And then you have the dishwasher rack, the drying rack, the cleaning brushes for all these pieces and parts. Who knew this could be so complicated?! It was fun and exciting, but it was also overwhelming. The other thing I've found from asking around...there are some products that everyone seem to agree on, but in general people have very different opinions about what worked for them. The baby's preferences seem to drive a lot of it and since we don't know these little guys yet, that makes it tough. I'm hoping now that I have a baseline understanding about a lot of it that things will become easier!

A few other things worth mentioning....I am WEAK! I went to climb over a small retaining wall in a parking lot to get to the restaurant where we ate and lunch and I thought my legs were going to give out on me. I am used to being fairly in-shape. I don't know if it was my lack of good work outs, the extra 10 lbs or my change in center of gravity, but regardless I felt pretty pathetic!

Friends have been talking about showers and picking dates. It all kind of scares me. I keep thinking, "I hope I am still pregnant by then." I don't live in daily fear and panic anymore (thank goodness!) but it still feels a little surreal to me.

Started looking at day care options....ugh. My Mom says she is going to help, and hubby and I have our own business so I will have a flexible schedule. I am hoping between me and my Mom that we can cover it, but I am thinking I may need some help 1-2 days a week or when Mom needs a break. Finding part-time for 2 babies isn't going to be so easy. So we'll see...

I am swamped at work, but wanted to take a quick minute to capture everything going on so I can remember this special time!

We have Penises!

17 weeks today! WOO HOO! We had our ultrasound on Monday. I have been so busy at work with little time to write. Everything is great though! I think I am still in shock when the doctors say everything looks normal. I guess I just haven't felt "normal" for so long!!

Heart rates were good, both babies were right on track in terms of growth, we could measure their little femurs and other bones, and confirmed they are making pee! We also confirmed that both babies are BOYS!!! We knew because of PGD, but I just wanted to see with my own eyes. It was so funny...during the ultrasound, one of the little guys put up a hand and pushed the other one. The other one raised an arm to try and block the push. My husband said, "Oh great! They are already fighting!" Too funny! It is amazing they are so teeny tiny and yet are already doing all these amazing things.

We shared the sex of the babies with our families and close friends. Everyone seems so disappointed we don't have at least one girl. As my husband said, "Just be thankful we have ANY babies, people!!" Amen to that!! It's funny how people want to get picky all of a sudden. Oh and they are already weighing in on names. People crack me up how they push their opinions on you.

Definitely the question we are asked most is if twins run in our family. I have been saying that my husband's family does have twins (because they do)....but it's not on the blood side. We'll let that minor detail slide by though!

My belly has definitely popped in the last week and I bought my first pair of maternity pants last weekend and have worn them every day since! HA HA! I am waiting for a box of clothes a friend is sending, which I am hoping will come soon because I don't think I can go back now that I have experienced the stretchy waistbands! : )

Another accomplishment of the week is that I had dinner with a group of "Mom's of Multiples." That was a lot of fun and I think those ladies will be a great resource. It was funny...I casually mentioned that we had problems in the past and did IVF to a couple of people and I got these blank stares. I don't think there was anyone there that had twins as a result of IVF. It quickly put me back in line that multiples does not equal infertility....and not that I thought it did, I guess I just figured that some of them may be IVF babies too. So while I have great Momma resources, they will never know that side of the journey.

I checked out a bunch of books from the library and have a cart full of books on Amazon that I need to order.

We are getting there. This is just now becoming real. A belly and 10 lbs gained helps remind me of that! I really feel great though and just continue to feel so incredibly grateful. I just didn't know if I would ever be a Mom and it's just so hard to believe this is really happening!!

Reflections at 15 weeks

This stretch between doctor's appointments is killing me! The word is out about our pregnancy and I have no reassurance everything is going ok. My belly does seem to be growing and I've gained about 5 lbs so that is my only bit of reassurance. Things at work are really busy right now, so that helps the time to go by somewhat, but it still feels like it is taking for.ever. In fact things are pretty darn stressful at work. I am really trying to make myself relax, because I know that's what's best for the babies (and me), but it's been hard lately. I am waking up almost every night at 3am. Some of that is because I am falling asleep too early. I try and stay up until at least 10pm, but usually I end up falling asleep on the couch around 9pm. I never understood how people can fall asleep sitting up...and I am totally one of those people now. My husband says I drive him nuts with my bobble head so he usually tells me to lay down. ha ha! He has been such a sweetie lately...getting me water or rubbing my feet and helping with dishes and laundry...things that I usually take care of. I think I am getting spoiled!

As a sidenote, I called my RE's office yesterday to pay my ultrasound bill from my 6 week appt (they must be behind in billing!) I can tell when they hear my voice that they are scared out of their mind that something is wrong. So they always hesitantly say, "Oh, hi. Is everything ok?" I quickly say, "Everything is fine. I was just calling to pay my bill" and I can almost hear the sigh of relief on the other end of the phone. I think they don't want me back as bad as I don't want to be back there. I basically camped out in their office for 2 years straight. I literally was 1 step away from being amongst a handful of patients that got their money back for shared risk program. The thought makes me shudder...and yet it also makes me have tremendous hope for so many of you still fighting the fight. I know I've said this before, but I really and truly felt I was going to be one of those few people that ART didn't work for. Even my doctors were amazed I kept coming back. I am just so glad that I did.

I got an email from someone this week that said, "Congrats, MOM!" Mom. That word felt so strange. They were really talking to me??? I just can hardly believe this is happening. I feel beyond blessed. Blessed feels like the wrong word because I truly don't believe that God picks who He wants this to work for and that someone else may not be deserving. I think a lot of it was luck, but regardless, words cannot express how incredibly grateful I feel for this chance to finally be a Mom. Praying that these little babies are growing big and strong!

14 weeks

There hasn't been a whole heck of a lot to report. I have been feeling well minus the stupid dull headaches that seem to appear every day. I am trying to drink more (which I struggle with) and hoping that will help.

The belly seems to be growing some. Still fairly soft, but pooched out quite a bit that even my pants reserved for "fat days" are getting snug.

I splurged on a new bra. My normal bras with underwires were cutting in my boobs and leaving awesome red marks that started to make me concerned that I'd never produce any milk (that was sarcastic in case you couldn't tell...ok, at least half sarcastic. The paranoia never seems to end).

I hung out with a friend this weekend and took a trip to Babies R' Us to get some things for her kids. While we were there, I was asking her questions about car seats, strollers, etc. I feel like I want to look for that stuff because I am still feeling pretty clueless about the choices out there and I've already talked about how I analyze everything a million ways before buying something. But, I found that it felt weird. Other women were there with their big pregnant bellies and couples were registering...they looked like they belonged there. I felt totally out of place.

Another moment like that was in the maternity store. We don't have any real maternity stores nearby, so while I was visiting my friend, I popped in the mall to their maternity store. I am trying to figure out if I should just buy bigger sizes in regular clothes or buy maternity clothes. I was kind of thinking it would be good to buy things that are stretchy and could grow with me so I am not constantly outgrowing and having to buy new stuff. So, anyway, I ventured to the maternity store to just check out what was there. Again, I was surrounded by adorable pregnant bellies. I pulled a couple of things off the rack and the lady in the store said, "Did you want to try those on or are these a gift?" Awesome.

I feel like I am in this weird in-between stage right now where I am pregnant and feel like I should be doing things to prepare, but it's not obvious to the outside world yet, so I feel intimidated and out of place. I am guessing that some of this is in my own head and I shouldn't be so insecure. I am also wondering if I am being too much of a crazy planning lady and should let the stuff go until later, but I started doing the math and it freaked me out. They say to allow for 14 weeks for your crib to come in. I am hoping that the babies don't come until full-term, but for reality sake, I feel like I better have them by about 30-32 weeks just in case. So, we are talking that I need to order at like 16-18 weeks. That's 2-4 weeks from now! I barely even feel like this is really happening, nevermind ordering cribs in a few weeks. EEK!

Hoping things will start to feel more comfortable and natural before long.

Inconceivable

My hubby was out of town, so I decided to watch a chick flick last night, "Letters from Juliet." Highly predictable, but a love story that tugged at my heartstrings nonetheless. I spent the last 30-45 min. of the movie in tears. When the movie ended, and I flipped back to the TV, I found the most amazing TV special was on. It was a story about 2 couples who went to the same IVF clinic and after an embryo mix-up, one woman was pregnant with the other couple's baby. The couple gave the ultimate gift and delivered that baby and turned it over to biological birth parents, no strings attached. So I spent the next hour crying through every moment. I cannot even fathom what both couples have been through and how life altering that experience will forever be. It is an amazing story. Here's the website to the book that is coming out:

http://inconceivablebook.com/

Being on the Other Side

I am pregnant.
I dreamed of this for years and finally it looks like things might work out this time.
And I feel guilty.

Two of my favorite bloggers recently got BFN's and my heart is just breaking for them.

Why was I chosen?
Is it pure luck?
Is it like Vegas and I lost so many times that odds finally had to be me in my favor?
Yeah, I went through hell and back and felt it surely must be "my time" but it is for these amazing ladies and for so many other people, so I can't make sense of it.

It breaks my heart to read of others failed cycles.
I seriously feel like it could have just as easily been me.
I really thought that I was one of those people that this just wasn't going to work out for.

I want to provide support, but yet I know that my name can't come across the screen without the thought of, "She's pregnant. She can't understand."
I did the same thing.

I just wish I could articulate to everyone still in the trenches how much my heart goes out to you.
I know you don't feel this, but I am one of you.
I always will be.
And I pray your time is just around the corner.